devastated by emotionally abusive husband
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Anonymous
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Hi,
DH and I have had problems for a long time. I think he is emotionally abusive with me. He has ignored me, withheld loving comments, attention for me for years, is dismissive when I try to approach him to discuss anything. He dismisses any feeling I express, whether it is a happy or negative one. He is passive, apathic, cold. I work full time and we have a toddler. On top of that he comes home pretty late, which leaves me with a lot to do by myself after work. If I ever try to vent or voice some concerns regarding our schedule, he will mock me, say that I have no reason to complain. He mocks my gestures, my accent (I am foreign), my eye blinking. Our anniversary just passed, he ignored it and my "happy anniversary" message went unanswered, and when on with life like any other day. He has made me feel as if anything that means something to me is just a burden to him. He "fights" really dirty and refuses to have adult discussions. During arguments, he has told me his stomach hurts when he looks at me. That he wishes I would die, that I am an ugly monster (when, objectively, I know I am good looking) Other example: after being notified in advance of the appointment and putting it on his calendar, he backed out of going to the obstetrician to find out the gender of our baby when I was pregnant. He has a scheduling conflict. The worse was that he tried to blame it on me by saying i hadn't told him date/time. I was able to find older emails I had sent him with the info. After excuse #1 failed (blaming me), he just plainly said that I was being a princess for making a big deal of it. I am made to feel ashamed at my feelings. One of my aunts just had a stroke. I was pretty shaken by that. He offered no support. when my grandma (who basically raised me0 passed away a couple of years ago he said that i was faking being sad and upset. We spent some days at his parents house this summer, and his mom told me that she noticed his verbal/aggressive reactions towards me. He can be so volatile that she was a little worried about how to approach him so she just suggested to him we go to coupple's counseling. And the list goes on and on. Icing on the cake: He is moving out this month and says that unless I deal with MY issues and get heavily medicated, he will not consider getting back together. Needless to say i am devastated and so angry by the fact that he can't recognize what he is doing to me. I guess I would like to know the following: -Has anyone gone through this? -Is this emotional abuse? -How do I salvage/preserve the little self-esteem I have left? Sorry, this message is all over the place, it probably reflects my state-of mind right now. TIA |
Anonymous
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oh, come on!
Troll alert. |
Anonymous
| Lock the doors after he moves out. |
Anonymous
OP here- Jesus, are you saying this b/c you think I am bullshitting? Really, I am not. I am 100% serious. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry, but honestly you're better off with him moving out. You may start to feel better just because you're no longer being berated/ignored on a daily basis.
Do you have family you can talk to? The fact that he is deserting his wife and young child should get you some support. It sounds like even his family sees him as the problem. If possible, find a therapist or a support group where you can talk out your experiences and your issues. This type of abuse leaves deep wounds and it takes time and attention to heal them. Take care of yourself and your child. |
Anonymous
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It absolutely is emotional abuse. Is there any indication it might escalate to physical abuse?
What are your finances like? Can you make it alone for now? Enough money for a lawyer? Or are things very tight? I'd start triaging your life. Make a plan to protect your financial assets, your custody of your child, and anything else you need to do. Making a plan and implementing it will help you feel more in control and will help with the self-esteem issue as well. Get a credit report to see what's out there. Open a credit card in your own name if you don't already have one. Make sure your savings is safe (don't let him withdrawal all your joint money). Talk to a lawyer about a separation agreement, temporary alimony (if applicable, it's hard to get), and temporary child support (much easier to get). If you work, think about using your EAP program at work (if you have one) to get the name of a therapist. It helps to talk to someone who is objective and unbiased. S/he can give you coping tools to help you through this and help you regain self-esteem. If you are in Montgomery County and if finances are tight, try the Family Justice Center in Rockville. It's a one-stop shop for victims of domestic violence. And while you may not think emotional abuse is DV, it can be. They have resources for therapy (you and kids), help with ex parte orders and other legal issues, housing, free cell phones, etc. Best wishes, OP. You can be strong, regardless of what he says. Be strong for your child. And be strong for yourself. You deserve a good, happy life. |
Anonymous
Agreed. I am a man. I have at times been an asshole, but I think it was the exception rather than the rule. If what you are describing is accurate (there are two sides to every story), you should leave now. I cannot fathom treating even my ex wife this way and I HATE her. You have to think about all the time that remains in your life between now and when you die. Then think about who you want to spend it with. Your child will grow up and treat his spouse the same way if you stay. It seems like he is feeding off your need for him to want you. Send him divorce papers. Then find a pretty decent man. They exist. If you are even remotely attractive, it shouldn't be much of a problem. |
Anonymous
| He's moving out and won't come back? I'd be thankful. |
Anonymous
No, I am saying it because your entire posts rattles off these obviously abusive situations and then at the end you wonder to the world, are you emotionally abused? It is like you are seeking attention or something. Be glad he wants to leave. Thank your lucky stars. How can this even be a real question? |
Anonymous
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What exactly "devastates" you here?
Is your goal to fix the marriage? |
Anonymous
It's not obvious to someone who's in an abusive situation. Especially when the abuser is gaslighting her, which this one is evidently doing. |
Anonymous
You are truly an asshole. |
Anonymous
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OP, if your DH is doing all of these things, he is certainly emotionally abusive. Also, as PP pointed out, he's gaslighting you, which is another form of emotional abuse. I don't think you can reasonably expect things to work out with him - not with the level of abuse you describe.
Get recommendations for lawyers right away. Your DH fights dirty now? If I were you, I'd expect him to pull out all the stops on your divorce, and prepare accordingly: make sure you get the best lawyer possible who's skilled enough to deal with difficult personalities like your DH. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| OP, sounds like a nightmare. Let him go. Don't let him back. Seriously. |
Anonymous
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Here's the link to the Family Justice Center OP. If you're in DC or NOVA, please let us know. Maybe someone will be able to point you toward resources in your area.
http://www.familyjusticecenter.org/Details/Montgomery-County-MD-Family-Justice-Center.html |