Just found out about my husband's second affair

[Anonymous]

DW of a sex/love addict here. It could be SA or love addiction. In either case, the critical question is if it's a compulsion that he can't control - not whether it wreaks havoc. (Also, it's clearly wrecking havoc if he's about to lose his marriage.) A qualified therapist could make an addiction determination if the OP feels this could be a possibility. Dr. David Bissette is the best in the area.

But, if the greater point is that this disorder should not be used to excuse bad behavior, I completely agree. The behavior has to stop for the marriage to survive, whether it is compulsive disorder or just a question of bad character. OP, what has your DH said about all of this? Has he given you a concrete plan for how he will make it stop and re-earn your trust?

[Anonymous]

OK -- if you do stay with him, don't expect perfect fidelity and don't be SHOCKED! SHOCKED! if/when he cheats again.

On the other hand, if he's not yelling at you, treats you well otherwise, then find out if:

1) He can be open about his straying, and
2) He is willing to let you pursue other interests.

If the answer to either of those two is "no," then that's not good, and I don't know if (I'm a guy) I could put up with that.

Then of course you run the risk of his pursuit of extra nookie takes away too much from his relationship with you. It's one thing to take a long lunch every week or so, it's another to be gone three nights a week every week.

[Anonymous]

1. It's not a sex addiction. It's a lack of consideration for his wife and low impulse control.

2. You can't make a marriage work with someone who refuses to work it with you.

3. He did not have sex with her just once.

4. It will happen again. This is not a one night stand. This is a pattern of behavior. You don't need to live your life with a man who behaves like this. Muster up your dignity and leave.

[Anonymous]

Sweetie, I hope you leave him.

[Anonymous]

My husband had a year-long affair with a coworker (he left the job after the affair). I made him leave the home briefly, but we reconciled. I always said I would never take back a cheater, but here I am. But....the affair absolutely devastated me. Took me years to get over it. I still think about it sometimes, (affair was 4.5 years ago). I can say without a doubt that knowing how long it took ME to deal with it, that I absolutely, positively WOULD NOT reconcile with my husband if he had another affair.

Weirdly enough, I could deal with my husband having casual one-night stands. This would only apply if he traveled for work and the PROTECTED sex happened then. He doesn't travel, so he gets no outside sex. He DEFINITELY doesn't get to build an emotional relationship with another woman while we're married.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Seems like your husband is forming emotional bonds, along with the sex. I could not deal with this a second go round.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I'm going to be in your place myself in a few years. My husband had a one night stand three months ago. He told me himself, but I suspect it was only because it was a mutual acquaintence and she said she was going to tell me if he didn't. We have been reconciling and he's been great, but I have been absolutely devastated since. I had told him on a number of occassions prior that if he cheated on me, I wouldn't think twice about leaving. Of course, when you have two kids and completely co-mingled finances and a long history, it's much much easier said than done, and I've decided to work this out and move on, mostly for our children. I have of course told him (and I actually do believe it myself) that if it happens again, I will take it as a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and I will leave. We have in the past three months deeply explored why it happened, talked about boundaries and drinking (he was drunk when his one night stand occurred), etc. I'm hoping we will resolve the issues that led to this happening in the first place.

Obviously since I went back on what I thought I'd do in the first place, I could go back on it again, but I believe strongly in that "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" thing. Presumably he knows how absolutely devastated you were the first time and how you are probably still affected by it today and he STILL chose to cheat. And he didn't even have the decency to tell you himself? If you don't just decide to leave immediately, at least ensure that your reaction is much much stronger this second time. Did you kick him out the first time? He definitely definitely needs to be living apart from you this time. I would suggest acting as if you are moving on. Kick him out, call a divorce lawyer, see him only for counseling, make the motions in case that's where this is going. And then you'll be prepared. And if after a year or two (seriously, that long), he can show you, living apart from you, that he is serious about reconciliation, then next year you and he can work on that slowly.

And I would also drop the excuses - the sex addiction, the weight loss and depression. He can work on that himself during his year away from you. He can prove to you that he wants you back over the next year(s) by getting help for these problems. These are not your problems at this point. The way he has acted, he does not deserve your help and he is not your responsibility any more. Taking care of YOU will be enough for you to handle.

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm so afraid this is going to happen to me. I know how the first time feels. I can't imagine the second. It's time to kick him out and work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Please leave him. He's only sorry because he was caught. He didn't even tell you himself.

Or stay and be miserable when he does it again. This man does not respect you or your marriage.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if he's having sex with you 5 times a week. He's either feeling guilty, loves sex, or is horny thinking of her.

He's not a sex addict. He's an asshole.

Get out.

[Anonymous]

I've only been through reconciliation with someone that cheated once, but he acted similar to how your husband is acting now.

It's probably partially real, but mostly fueled by the fact that he's been caught and wants to keep you from taking him to the cleaners.

Leaving is very hard especially if you have a family. Do you have anyone that could come stay with you, help you think through things?

He needs to leave your home immediately and suggest he start going to individual counseling. Cease all contact with him. Only allow him to contact the person staying with you to see the kids. Give yourself a few weeks of not seeing him and talking with your friend or family members to decide what you want to do next (and let him know that is what you are going to do).

If you decide to continue to make it work - counseling is a must. Individual for both of you and together. Don't let him move back in unless you feel great strides have been made in counseling. And that may take quite a while. If you never feel good about him, then you should end it and contact a divorce attorney.

If you decide that it really is over then contact a divorce attorney and begin counseling or mediation to decide how to co-parent effectively.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice everyone.
To answer a few questions, yes he does yell at me sometimes. He has a temper when things don't go his way. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses for him. We have no children, prior to this we were ttc. I asked him to leave he refuses to. He's not worried about me taking him to the cleaners, he's broke. I hope I'm strong enough to leave. I don't have any family here, and I don't have much savings.

I'm so sad. He had to just fuck everything up.

[Anonymous]

Op, with these news facts I will say will no reservation that there is no reason for you to stay with the man. Most women you stay in bad marriages do so because they want stability. You have no kids to "protect", he has no money for you to lose and he is a cheating asshole. What possible reason can you find to put put up with his crap. Love? My dear, you will find someone to love again. Chances are that if you leave and make a good choice with your next partner you will look back and wonder why your stuck with this man for so long.

Get out and good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a very good friend somewhere? A best friend? Go to them now or as soon as possible. Stay there for a few days. Cry all you want. Go back home, pack your things, and move temporarily with friends or family. Go to counseling, yoga, vacation, whatever you need. Hopefully with time you will be confident whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

It's not a simple matter of "how many times" someone fools you. This is such an over simplified way of viewing the decision to end one's marriage. Hillary and Bill anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice everyone.
To answer a few questions, yes he does yell at me sometimes. He has a temper when things don't go his way. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses for him. We have no children, prior to this we were ttc. I asked him to leave he refuses to. He's not worried about me taking him to the cleaners, he's broke. I hope I'm strong enough to leave. I don't have any family here, and I don't have much savings.

I'm so sad. He had to just fuck everything up.

LEAVE! SERIOUSLY - RIGHT NOW! These things get worse - never better.

[Anonymous]

He is what he is. Stay or go... that is all you can control