Reply to Just found out about my husband's second affair

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm so sorry.  I'm afraid I'm going to be in your place myself in a few years.  My husband had a one night stand three months ago.  He told me himself, but I suspect it was only because it was a mutual acquaintence and she said she was going to tell me if he didn't.  We have been reconciling and he's been great, but I have been absolutely devastated since.  I had told him on a number of occassions prior that if he cheated on me, I wouldn't think twice about leaving.  Of course, when you have two kids and completely co-mingled finances and a long history, it's much much easier said than done, and I've decided to work this out and move on, mostly for our children.  I have of course told him (and I actually do believe it myself) that if it happens again, I will take it as a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and I will leave.  We have in the past three months deeply explored why it happened, talked about boundaries and drinking (he was drunk when his one night stand occurred), etc.  I'm hoping we will resolve the issues that led to this happening in the first place.

Obviously since I went back on what I thought I'd do in the first place, I could go back on it again, but I believe strongly in that "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" thing.  Presumably he knows how absolutely devastated you were the first time and how you are probably still affected by it today and he STILL chose to cheat.  And he didn't even have the decency to tell you himself?  If you don't just decide to leave immediately, at least ensure that your reaction is much much stronger this second time.  Did you kick him out the first time?  He definitely definitely needs to be living apart from you this time.  I would suggest acting as if you are moving on.  Kick him out, call a divorce lawyer, see him only for counseling, make the motions in case that's where this is going.  And then you'll be prepared.  And if after a year or two (seriously, that long), he can show you, living apart from you, that he is serious about reconciliation, then next year you and he can work on that slowly.

And I would also drop the excuses - the sex addiction, the weight loss and depression.  He can work on that himself during his year away from you.  He can prove to you that he wants you back over the next year(s) by getting help for these problems.  These are not your problems at this point.  The way he has acted, he does not deserve your help and he is not your responsibility any more.  Taking care of YOU will be enough for you to handle.

I'm so sorry, OP.  I'm so afraid this is going to happen to me.  I know how the first time feels.  I can't imagine the second.  It's time to kick him out and work on yourself.[/quote]

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