I don't get all the frills about TTC

[Anonymous]

I was actually in this EXACT situation recently. A friend dealing with infertility posted about how offensive it is for a mom to post about how sad she is that she has to put away her toddler's outgrown baby clothes. I responded to her (this was a friends-only journal, not FB) and said that I see her point, but that she should understand people aren't trying to offend. I've lost both my parents and I used the fact that she posts about doing things with her mom all the time as an example - should I never respond to those things because AT LEAST SHE HAS A MOM!??!? We went back and forth a bit, but got past it.

That said, as someone who hasn't dealt with infertility but knows others who have, I think it's in a category of its own. Knowing you may never have children isn't the same as losing a parent, not having as much money as your peers, etc. And we should all be sensitive.

[Anonymous]

I miscarried my frist pregnancy and around the time of my miscarriage about 6 women at my church had children. I didn't share that we'd been pregnant and miscarried, but I did avoid these families as much as I could for a couple months. The only thing that bothered me was when I was forced to talk to one of the dads, he was rude to me. I asked how their older son was doing with the baby and he snapped, "I wish people would quit asking me that." He is a super nice guy and I was shocked. I wanted to say - "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to talk to you and make any semblance of a nice, interested question??" In a way, it was a lesson for me in "you never know what other people are going through, so be thoughtful and kind as much as you possibly kind." I have three wonderful kids now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:29 here - I think it's totally ok for a TTC person to hide all their friends who have kids or pregnancies if it makes them feel bad. I hide plenty of people for other reasons, like my uber-political friends during election season, or those people who play all the games and take all the quizzes. You shouldn't have to see stuff you don't want to see. But I think it's unreasonable to ask people not to post non-offensive stuff that *might* hurt someone's feelings.

I do the same.
OP, if someone's posts are bothering you, just hide them. And they won't even know it.

[Anonymous]

You've got a great point OP. People shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.
For all the people commenting on the Facebook thing: there's a difference between blocking (so you can't see the person AND they can't see you) and hiding (where you don't see their status updates and wall posts). OP said her friend blocked someone....though maybe she meant hid?

As someone pointed out: just because xy and z happens or doesn't happen, the world keeps turning.

[Anonymous]

OP, looking to ruffle feathers here? You seem extremely insensitive. your examples lack compassion and good examples to support your case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And I don't see the difference between paying for IVF for a 44 year old, and paying for a heart stent for a 75 year old.

Really? IVF is for infertilty: infertility is not a life threatening disorder Heart stent is for heart disease: a life threatening disorder

I completely see the difference. A woman will not die without IVF, when needed. A 75 yr old will likely die without a heart stent, when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you get the gold medal for empathy today OP!

OP, you'll have to share your gold medal with me because I completely agree. It is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

The couple of people I know who expect special treatment because they are TTC are also high maintenance, self-centered people. One of them was obsessed with getting married and upset that "everyone else was married" except for her. Then she got married and began focusing on getting the right job. That didn't quite work out but she then shifted focus to TTC. So I think to a large extent it is personality-driven and these folks are upset over one thing or another and expect the world to cater to them because of it.

I'm not suggesting that TTC isn't extremely difficult or unfair. I went through it myself. I experienced sadness and jealousy when others were pregnant or had children. It was hurtful. Yet I did not change my outward behavior towards others or expect them to hide their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miscarried my frist pregnancy and around the time of my miscarriage about 6 women at my church had children. I didn't share that we'd been pregnant and miscarried, but I did avoid these families as much as I could for a couple months. The only thing that bothered me was when I was forced to talk to one of the dads, he was rude to me. I asked how their older son was doing with the baby and he snapped, "I wish people would quit asking me that." He is a super nice guy and I was shocked. I wanted to say - "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to talk to you and make any semblance of a nice, interested question??" In a way, it was a lesson for me in "you never know what other people are going through, so be thoughtful and kind as much as you possibly kind." I have three wonderful kids now.

Other people get to have bad days, too, not just you. Also, "we" were not pregnant. You, a woman, was pregnant. You and your DH were expecting a child but he sure as hell was not pregnant!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I ask the same question about SN children. Why does everyone have to walk on egg shells with them? They and their parents can do no wrong and everyone else has to put up with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree 100%. This walking on eggshells shit for those TTC is over the top.

If I'm being completely honest, I sympathize most with women who have medical conditions that caused their infertility. Not so much for women who wanted to focus on reaching partner at their firm and thought they were perfectly okay to start working on their family at 45+.

I feel terrible for this, but I often think the same thing to for the older women who decided to "have it all" because she needed to be a partner, VP, whatever. I really don't feel like hearing the 49 yo VP at my office get snarky about other women being pregnant because she is struggling with getting pregnant now that she is content to sit on her laurels after climbing the ladder.

One thing that I have to force myself to think is that these women may have had these same issues at 30, so I need to treat them with the same respect and have empathy, but it is hard. Those women also usually turn into the obnoxious DC mothers that I would hate anyway, so it is tricky to feel for them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I agree with OP to some extent. Many of these women deserve our senstivity and compassion but sometimes it's ridiculous. When I got pregnant with my first child my SIL actually tried to talk me into an abortion when my pregnancy ran into complications early on. She then gave my brother hell for visiting me in the hospital when DD was born and refused to come herself. He said she was jealous that I got pregnant first and 'didn't think it was fair because I wasn't even tryng'. Very childish. What was supposed to be the happiest day of my life was marred by her selfish behavior. She should've been happy that after all my health issues that she had a healthy niece. Would she have felt better if my child were born with an illness, etc??? With her, I think it was a maturity issue but to be honest, a woman like that has no business having kids in the first place. To this day, my brother and I don't speak and they are still childless. I hate that he allowed her to be so controlling but I have to respect his decision re: distance to avoid drama. I have two friends that had a m/c and difficulty ttc while we were trying for #2. I was very sensitive to not bring it up to them. I always cringe when someone asks a childless friend when they are going to start their family. Whether somebody doesn't want kids or is having difficulty conceiving, that's a very personal question and IMO insensitive. At the same time, some women can become consumed and bitter.

[Anonymous]

A woman TTC is in a frenzy. It is a natural response to all the hormones and stuff. It is natures way to continue the species. So, she is going to be sensitive and easily upset. Unfortunately most people don't understand or care about this. Human nature is very strong, regardless of whether or not we recognize it. I say give the poor ttc woman a break, and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like most people agree that it's reasonable to be sensitive to people, but it's not reasonable to expect the entire world will rotate around your problems. I don't know if that's agreeing or disagreeing with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I always cringe when someone asks a childless friend when they are going to start their family. Whether somebody doesn't want kids or is having difficulty conceiving, that's a very personal question and IMO insensitive. At the same time, some women can become consumed and bitter.

100% this.

People need to stop asking people that question, or "when are you having another/are you going to have another?" I get these alot because my first is in K. We waited to start TTC until she was 4 for many reasons, but have been trying for over a year now. I'm not as emotional about it as some, but I still wish people weren't so nosey. It is just an uncomfortable topic in general. Our reproductive systems are none of anyone's business.

I was recently stuck right in the middle of a conversation between my friend who is going through IVF and her BIL's pregnant young 20-something girlfriend. The 20-something had no IDEA what she had just stepped into when she asked if they wanted kids and they should really have them. I wanted to smack her because I was sitting next to her, but my friend was pretty good about answering without being snotty. But, really - get a clue, chick.

The consumed, bitter folks are just as obnoxious. I am sorry for your struggles, but it isn't fair to bring everyone else down, either.