Talk me out of adopting as a single woman

[Anonymous]

1. Once you have a child your chance of finding a partner will fall dramatically.
2. Having a child is an enormous responsibility. Having one on your own is a nightmare. What happens if you get cancer?

[Anonymous]

OP, parenting is really, really hard. Single parenting is harder. Single parenting with a job, OMG just shoot me. A high level job with lots of stress, meetings, expectations that you can travel or make yourself available or stick around another hour for am impromptu meeting? Ugh.

If you are the kind of person who really needs sleep, and likes quiet sometimes, and hates to have your place be a mess, or has emotional problems like anxiety or depression, I would not recommend it.

If you are able to function at work and emotionally with your child on little or no sleep, you don't mind chaos sometimes, and you are emotionally strong, then sure go for it.

I am not being flip; I am serious. Sleep deprivation in the first years nearly killed me, my job, and did not help my marriage.

Also, parenting two is harder than one. The constant fighting! The trying to balance needs.... if you are going to be a single parent only have one.

And I agree no harm in waiting a few years to be sure you are sure.

[Anonymous]

I am 43, single, ttc for 3 years via IUI/IVF with donor sperm. If I had to do it all over again, I would have chosen the adoption route. Of course, hind sight is 20/20! I could not have known my struggles w/ fertility, the $$$, unpredictibility, etc. That said, I know I tried to conceive, and have no regrets, no unanswered questions about trying. It is what it is. In the meantime, I am enjoying my life, have traveled the world, look at the blessins I do have. Life is short...I do not want to simply dwell on the negative, and not "live" my life. Another thing is that ttc is a bit like gambeling. Once you start, it uus hard to stop. You keep thinking that maybe the next time will work. I also teach pre school, and each year I am amazed how quicly and deeply I bond with my new students. It really is special and incredible. Having that,experience, I know if I end up adopting, that bond will be instantaneous. Good luck with your decision, OP.

[Anonymous]

My on
Y reason for saying "no" is that your post talks more about dating than it does about the rest of your life.

How important is finding mr. Right? If it is still something you long for, and a search you are not willing to abandon, then worry about that and not kids.

Yeah, single parents do get married sometimes, but dating, particularly dating that doesn't interfere with parenting, is almost impossible.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can adopt at any age!

I'd say go for it if you wanted to conceive on your own but since age matters lesser if you're adopting I'd say wait.

I come from a family all put together with several members being from closed adoption so nobody here is more pro-adoption than me. But I'll say you're trying to fill a void in your sentimental life and that's not healthy to try to put a child in a hole where just mr. right will fit.

Good for you for turning those jerks down and give it time. Focus on other things and let it happen.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a bad ideas, but you're still quite young. I've had many female friends who didn't marry until their later 30s. Maybe give it another year or two to see how things work out? I don't think there is anything wrong with being a single mom, but it is incredibly difficult.

[Anonymous]

I was 34 when I adopted my child on my own. Best decision I ever made.

As far as it being hard to be a parent- meh, I didn't think it was hard. My child is school age now and I find it more challenging then when she was a toddler to juggle schedules and be involved. It helped that I had a flexible workplace and boss with 6 kids so he understand when I had kid issues.

As far as meeting someone, its not that much harder than it was before I had a child to meet someone but finding and entering a long term relationship has been and that been my call as my standards changed a lot and I now have to consider if I want this person involved with my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also teach pre school, and each year I am amazed how quicly and deeply I bond with my new students. It really is special and incredible. Having that,experience, I know if I end up adopting, that bond will be instantaneous. Good luck with your decision, OP.

Thank you for postin this. We have been considering adoption and your post gave me something to think about that is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can adopt at any age!

I'd say go for it if you wanted to conceive on your own but since age matters lesser if you're adopting I'd say wait.

I come from a family all put together with several members being from closed adoption so nobody here is more pro-adoption than me. But I'll say you're trying to fill a void in your sentimental life and that's not healthy to try to put a child in a hole where just mr. right will fit.

Good for you for turning those jerks down and give it time. Focus on other things and let it happen.

Very good point 08:56! As an adoptee, I was trying to put my finger on why the OP's proposal bothered me and I think you hit the nail on the head. There are enough issues surrounding adoption (feelings of abandonment, insecurity, etc) without also feeling responsible for your adopted parent's happiness or filling a void in their life. In adoption discussions (or even anonymous sperm/egg donor scenarios), there seems to be very little focus on the implications for the adoptee and how they feel. I know many adult adoptees, myself included, who do not think that adoption gave them a better life and there is resentment for feeling like property.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you give yourself a deadline that includes more time for yourself and dating? Maybe make an agreement with yourself that if you're not in a serious relationship by the time you're 36-37, you'll pursue adopting.

Your baby lust is completely normal. I started having the same thoughts and feelings about babies (wanting to buy everything in Buy, Buy Baby, being insanely jealous of any pregnant woman or person with a baby, etc.) a few years before we actually tried to get pregnant. DH always said the "when" of having kids was up to me. Although I really started wanting them soon after we got married, I also wanted us to reach certain financial milestones b/f having kids and spend some time alone with my husband. I'm so glad we waited.

A few other thoughts... No matter how financially secure you feel now, having to pay for a nanny/childcare, AND preschool, AND save for college, AND buy a house in a good school district or pay for private school, really can make even those who are financially secure suddenly feel way less so. I also agree with the comment on adopting a girl. My boys are still young, but already, there are times when they prefer their dad and want to do guy stuff. Be prepared for your social life to take a big hit. I think this is true even with two parent couples- there's just not enough time for yourself. I also have a divorced friend who keeps dating and when things start to get serious, the men start to question if they are willing to take on her two kids.

Despite how tough it is, I'm sure that adopting is something you would never regret.

[Anonymous]

Another thought OP - if you are heart is set on adopting a baby, you may be facing either a transacial adoption or adoption of a child who could end up with "special needs".

Here's the thing - if you are a black single woman, no problem, its not a transracial adoption and so the chance of adopting a healthy, black infant is very good. If you are white, you need to decide if you are ok with adopting a child who is not white. If you are not, and that's fine, then you need to realize that its a good possibility that a white infant you adopt will have "special needs" resulting from poor prenatal environment -drug, alcohol, mental illness, etc. Before you believe all the people who decry this as mean and wrong, start looking at adoption websites and google for "available domestic adoption situations" . Also know that adoptive parents feel pressured to never admit their child has problems. This stems from lots of reasons one being dire warnings family and friends give them that adopted children will have problems! I have know other adoptive parents (I am one myself) say their child is perfectly healthy and fine but they don't mention that their child is in three different kinds of therapy, has an IEP, and they are desperately trying everything they can to get behavior under control. I mention this because you need to know that you have to think long term - time and energy needed for therapy, cost for private therapy, etc

[Anonymous]

Please wait at least two years, OP. You are too interested in finding a partner now. This is not the right time.

[Anonymous]

just go to a sperm bank
much easier than adoption

[Anonymous]

OP - I am a single adoptive mom. Feel free to contact me at [e-mail]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, parenting is really, really hard. Single parenting is harder. Single parenting with a job, OMG just shoot me. A high level job with lots of stress, meetings, expectations that you can travel or make yourself available or stick around another hour for am impromptu meeting? Ugh.

If you are the kind of person who really needs sleep, and likes quiet sometimes, and hates to have your place be a mess, or has emotional problems like anxiety or depression, I would not recommend it.

If you are able to function at work and emotionally with your child on little or no sleep, you don't mind chaos sometimes, and you are emotionally strong, then sure go for it.

I am not being flip; I am serious. Sleep deprivation in the first years nearly killed me, my job, and did not help my marriage.

Also, parenting two is harder than one. The constant fighting! The trying to balance needs.... if you are going to be a single parent only have one.

And I agree no harm in waiting a few years to be sure you are sure.

I agree with this.

If you still are hoping to find a partner, I think you should give yourself a few more years. Maybe seek therapy and/or work hard at understanding why your past relationships didn't work. Maybe there were red flags with your previous long term relationships from which you could learn. I had trouble finding Mr. Right until I was 35 years hold. I went on EHarmony, and I found DH. Had DC #1 at age 36 and now pg with DC#2. I worked hard at understanding why I hadn't found the right person earlier. For me the type of person that I always sought turned out to be inherently problematic. Once I realized that, things worked out. I read the Carolyn Hax column a WaPo a lot.