Talk me out of adopting as a single woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious how having an adopted child is different than having a child by birth for a single parent. Once the adoption is done, what is the difference?

I am single mom with an adopted child and I can sort of answer the question. It depends on the child. A child adopted from an institutional settings will have some degree of issues so that can translate into having to run to multiple therapy appointments, needing to pay out of pocket for care, etc and then just being generally very tired from all the extra that goes along with that.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent, not adoptive. It's hard, but I am also having a lot of fun. I used to think anyone could do it, but I am no longer sure of that. I think you have to be organized enough to pull off the essentials, but comfortable with chaos, because you can't do it all.

There are some thing that are easier for single parents. You don't have to discuss anything with anyone. Many of my married friends seem to spend hours going back and forth about who is going to do what. You won't have to do that. While most men I know do at least some childcare, most of the women are still taking the career hits (but are still working), are still doing all of the logistics (pediatrician's appointments, noticing that the child is outgrowing clothes), and are making travel plans to visit the husband'd family. I'm sure some husbandss are a net benefit, but I wouldn't bet on all of them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. Instead of spending time and energy having to negotiate with a SO, I just do everything myself. I actually think it take less time for me to do everything myself. I always tell people that if a DH doesn't add to your life by making it easier, then what good is he? I'm not a man hater but useless men are not for me. Ones that claim that they work and therefore should be exempt from any housework and childcare are not for me. Having someone like that in my house would piss me off. Quite a few of my friends complain non-stop about their useless husbands. I like the Nike slogan "Just do it." For me, that means "Just do it myself and be done with it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should try Match before adopting or at least while going through the process. Once you have a child, its like having a much needier dog. One that causes you to lose incredible amounts of sleep, money, and friends/interests. Pretty much the only thing keeping me sane is a partner to juggle the hardship and joys. I'm not sure how much of a time sink your job / career is, but it can be difficult to juggle a career and kids. If you have a laid back job then it might be only very difficult rather than impossible with a time & energy consuming job.

Wow. That's quite an analogy!

[Anonymous]

I would say, start the research and keep dating/figuring out what is right for you. Process can take a couple years, but you sound like a good candidate. when I was 34 I thought marriage was out the window too, and by 35 I figured my eggs were toast.... (sorry for that mixed metaphor!). I had vaguely toyed with adopting or having a child on my own, but decided to wait until I was closer to 40. I met DH at 37, married and pregnant at 38, with #2 coming at 41. You never know. It does sound, however, like you've made some poor choices in men--maybe there was no way of knowing with #1, but with #2? Usually there are clues you're dating someone who has a family (not just another woman, but a family!!!). Perhaps some self-exploration is in store to help you make better choices when it comes to men. know I had to do that in order to recognize and appreciate a good man and break my patterns of falling for messed up, emotinoally unavailable (but somehow intriguing and exciting) men. Good luck.