Reply to Help breaking the news to my best friend who is TTC

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[quote=Anonymous]You are a good friend for asking this question.  I went through five years of fertility treatments before conceiving my daughter through the use of donor eggs.  As a couple of people have previously stated, infertility (particularly primary infertility) is an anguish that someone who has not gone through it could not possibly understand.  Until you actually go through multiple IUIs, surgeries, IVFs and years of trying with not even a hint of success there is no way that you can ever understand how much it hurts to realize that you will not be able to do something that you took for granted ever since you were a little girl and which (seemingly) everyone else can take for granted.  In addition, infertility is generally a medical condition for most people.  Many of us did not "wait too long" and therefore have problems.  No one ever seems to accept that and feels that people with IF should move on and adopt as if that is so easy mentally or in actual practice.  Or they blame the infertile person as if it somehow their fault.  Infertility is a lonely medical condition as most people don't (and can never) get it and because it does not kill you they think that you should be grateful that you aren't suffering from something else.  Before I knew I was infertile I thought all the same things as everyone else.

I say all this to tell you that your friend is clearly struggling.  She may not be the best friend you need and your friendship may end because of this because she cannot support or be happy for you in the way you hoped or she "should."  But I can tell you as someone who has lived it, every day she gets out of bed and goes to work etc she is doing the best that she can.  Maybe she is not a prime friend candidate right now...but she is still a person who has good qualities.  They are just hidden under all of her pain.  If it were me, I would want to get a note or an e-mail from you telling me the news.  That way, she can process it in her own way.  While she "should" be happy for you it is going to be like a kick in the head and she may need some time and space to be able to respond in the best way she can.  Tell her that while you are very happy about your news you know that this is probably painful for her and that you would like to give her the space to be in touch with you when and in the way she can.  If you do not hear from her that really is a pity and I feel bad for both of you.  It is a sad situation all around.  My hope is that she will reach out despite her pain and be in touch as much as she can be.  Your friendship has already changed and will continue to change.  All you can do is a friend is accept her for who she is and the pain she is dealing with (and the way she is dealing with it).  Or not.  And move on.   Good luck.  And congatulations on #3.[/quote]

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