Does joint custody work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, we have 50/50 joint legal and physiacl, and our son switches houses every Sunday. This has been the case since he ws two-and-a-half. He's now nine and by far the most well adjusted of the three of us. A week is a long time for a two year old, but now it's a good stretch of time. It gives everyone time to adjust and feel settled and DS actually feels like he lives somewhere, but it's not TOO long.

Do I hate it? Absolutely. Could I think of a better alternative? No, I really couldn't. His dad loves him and he loves his dad. Our marriage was awful and completely unsalvageable, but taking either of them away from each other wasn't an option that made any sense. We parent better together divorced.

Why is having primary custody equated to taking DC away ... he could have weekday visitations and weekend overnights. They would still see each other. Thanks for your post! This is really helping me understand both sides of the argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9:39

I am sorry that was your experience. Your situation makes the case for fewer transitions and longer stretches. Every other week works for lots of families. I think 2/2 is awful, and cannot believe that so many people do it.

I actually read a post once on DCUM from a woman who had a positive experience with 50-50 (not sure how her parents did it) and amusingly she noted that when she got to college ... and what I expected to read next was that she was relieved to have one place to stay ... she was restless at first because she was so used to moving back and forth. It can work.

I just think every other week is really hard for a 5/6 year old. And the stability issue is still there. If there is liberal visitation - what drawback is there to giving the child a stable place to stay? Thanks for your thoughts.

I think you are right about this. This is 9:39 again and I definitely do not think longer visits are the answer. It was so hard for me to just be away from my mom for 2 days. I missed her so much it was physically painful. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to be away from her for a whole week at a time- especially for really young kids. My SIL did this when her DD was only 2 and it broke my heart to see the situation unfold. SIL never wanted my input so I didn't tell her. I think the MWF visits and Fri overnights might be a reasonably good solution under the circumstances. Good luck- I hope it works out well for your family.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone considered parents traveling while the kids stay out in one house. (Purely hypothetical question.) It seems unreasonably hard, but otoh that's what you are asking kids to do. Obvs once remarriage is on the table this type of plan would need to be revisited. Cheaper too, as the second home could be a 1 bedroom...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered parents traveling while the kids stay out in one house. (Purely hypothetical question.) It seems unreasonably hard, but otoh that's what you are asking kids to do. Obvs once remarriage is on the table this type of plan would need to be revisited. Cheaper too, as the second home could be a 1 bedroom...

Sorry, stay put, not out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, we have 50/50 joint legal and physiacl, and our son switches houses every Sunday. This has been the case since he ws two-and-a-half. He's now nine and by far the most well adjusted of the three of us. A week is a long time for a two year old, but now it's a good stretch of time. It gives everyone time to adjust and feel settled and DS actually feels like he lives somewhere, but it's not TOO long.

Do I hate it? Absolutely. Could I think of a better alternative? No, I really couldn't. His dad loves him and he loves his dad. Our marriage was awful and completely unsalvageable, but taking either of them away from each other wasn't an option that made any sense. We parent better together divorced.

Why is having primary custody equated to taking DC away ... he could have weekday visitations and weekend overnights. They would still see each other. Thanks for your post! This is really helping me understand both sides of the argument.

Because even though our marriage was terrible for everybody, we are equal parenting parters and remain so. This way nobody gets to be the good guy all the time, nobody gets to be the bad guy all the time. Our household activities and chores are not divided by gender. My son has learned that grownups fix cars and do dishes and re-finish floors and cook no matter what sex they are. There are definite plusses. He's nine. He's in school during the weekday. We only distrupt the school week schedule when absolutely necessary (almost never), because we feel that stability over the course of the school week is incredibly important. We are not easily played off of each other, either. Everyone gets a full weekend day, so we get to share the fun stuff, and at the same time nobody is the Disneyland parent. The proof's in the pudding. He's a great kid. He's a happy kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered parents traveling while the kids stay out in one house. (Purely hypothetical question.) It seems unreasonably hard, but otoh that's what you are asking kids to do. Obvs once remarriage is on the table this type of plan would need to be revisited. Cheaper too, as the second home could be a 1 bedroom...

This is what my mom said she would have done if she could do the whole thing over. The parents should be the ones making the sacrifices- not the kids.

[Anonymous]

Believe me, parents in joint custody situations ARE making sacrifices. I would LOVE to never deal with my ex again, have to consult with him on anything. But, being a good parent is a job I signed up for, including encouraging good parenting behavior in a person I'm no longer married to, so I pull up my big girl panties and deal.

I've never understood how people think joint custody is somehow taking the easy way out. It takes serious balls and hard work.

[Anonymous]

Not to mention, hello, being away from one's kid for a week at a time is really, really hard for parents, too. If there were a different way to do this that worked better for us, we would have done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, parents in joint custody situations ARE making sacrifices. I would LOVE to never deal with my ex again, have to consult with him on anything. But, being a good parent is a job I signed up for, including encouraging good parenting behavior in a person I'm no longer married to, so I pull up my big girl panties and deal.

I've never understood how people think joint custody is somehow taking the easy way out. It takes serious balls and hard work.

That's not really what I meant. I didn't think joint custody was easy for parents but, frankly, these are your mistakes and your husband's mistakes that the kids are paying for. Yet they are the ones who are split in two- not you. A PP suggested letting the kids live in one home and the parents would be the ones who have to split themselves in two by living with the kids part of the time and in an apartment on the other days. This has worked for some people but no very few people seem to consider this solution. I think it's because it seems so awful to have to live in two homes. And trust me, it is awful. That's why I don't think kids should have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not really what I meant. I didn't think joint custody was easy for parents but, frankly, these are your mistakes and your husband's mistakes that the kids are paying for. Yet they are the ones who are split in two- not you. A PP suggested letting the kids live in one home and the parents would be the ones who have to split themselves in two by living with the kids part of the time and in an apartment on the other days. This has worked for some people but no very few people seem to consider this solution. I think it's because it seems so awful to have to live in two homes. And trust me, it is awful. That's why I don't think kids should have to do it.

Many couples don't work because they can't live together - one is messy, one is a neat freak. Or one is good at paying the bills and the other not. I can certainly see where "sharing" a home for the child and having seperate apartments just would not work. Who cleans? Who pays the bills? What if he wants cable but she doesn't?
A good friend of mine and his sister were raised joint custody. He loved it - it allowed him to remain close to both parents. They also only lived a few bloacks apart, so that made it easy. I think it was one week at each house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, parents in joint custody situations ARE making sacrifices. I would LOVE to never deal with my ex again, have to consult with him on anything. But, being a good parent is a job I signed up for, including encouraging good parenting behavior in a person I'm no longer married to, so I pull up my big girl panties and deal.

I've never understood how people think joint custody is somehow taking the easy way out. It takes serious balls and hard work.

That's not really what I meant. I didn't think joint custody was easy for parents but, frankly, these are your mistakes and your husband's mistakes that the kids are paying for. Yet they are the ones who are split in two- not you. A PP suggested letting the kids live in one home and the parents would be the ones who have to split themselves in two by living with the kids part of the time and in an apartment on the other days. This has worked for some people but no very few people seem to consider this solution. I think it's because it seems so awful to have to live in two homes. And trust me, it is awful. That's why I don't think kids should have to do it.

OK, I get that. Thanks for responding. I know of a couple of folks who have tried the above, and if it works, great. Makes a lot of sense. But, it's not for everybody. Especially if there are factors in the split that make sharing a living space with the other parent impossible (boundary issues, etc.). If I were doing this with a different person I would have considered it seriously.

Trust me, my son is so much better off with his folks divorced, but I didn't have a crystal ball when I got married, and hey, if I'd dodged that error, he wouldn't be here. Emotional trauma is for everybody. Why should grownups hog it all? ...kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe me, parents in joint custody situations ARE making sacrifices. I would LOVE to never deal with my ex again, have to consult with him on anything. But, being a good parent is a job I signed up for, including encouraging good parenting behavior in a person I'm no longer married to, so I pull up my big girl panties and deal.

I've never understood how people think joint custody is somehow taking the easy way out. It takes serious balls and hard work.

That's not really what I meant. I didn't think joint custody was easy for parents but, frankly, these are your mistakes and your husband's mistakes that the kids are paying for. Yet they are the ones who are split in two- not you. A PP suggested letting the kids live in one home and the parents would be the ones who have to split themselves in two by living with the kids part of the time and in an apartment on the other days. This has worked for some people but no very few people seem to consider this solution. I think it's because it seems so awful to have to live in two homes. And trust me, it is awful. That's why I don't think kids should have to do it.

OK, I get that. Thanks for responding. I know of a couple of folks who have tried the above, and if it works, great. Makes a lot of sense. But, it's not for everybody. Especially if there are factors in the split that make sharing a living space with the other parent impossible (boundary issues, etc.). If I were doing this with a different person I would have considered it seriously.

Trust me, my son is so much better off with his folks divorced, but I didn't have a crystal ball when I got married, and hey, if I'd dodged that error, he wouldn't be here. Emotional trauma is for everybody. Why should grownups hog it all? ...kidding.

That makes sense and all you can really do is make the most of a difficult situation. And hey, it could be a lot worse, right? At least both parents want him.

[Anonymous]

OP, what about joint physical with 4/3? Fewer transitions, not as long apart? We did that when my child was younger and it worked.

Have you spoken with a lawyer? Do you have funds to finance a custody challenge? As in tens of thousands of dollars? If so, your lawyer's advice might be fueling this, or else she would advise you to negotiate, not litigate. It is hard to get primary custody through the courts, especially in DC as well as MD and VA. That's the reality.

Also every child is different. Tons of children switch off after two days and are not bothered by it. The PP's experience is not everyone's.

It's a lot for a mother to come to terms with. It's taken me years, and there's lots that drive me nuts about it but it's worked for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what about joint physical with 4/3? Fewer transitions, not as long apart? We did that when my child was younger and it worked.

Have you spoken with a lawyer? Do you have funds to finance a custody challenge? As in tens of thousands of dollars? If so, your lawyer's advice might be fueling this, or else she would advise you to negotiate, not litigate. It is hard to get primary custody through the courts, especially in DC as well as MD and VA. That's the reality.

Also every child is different. Tons of children switch off after two days and are not bothered by it. The PP's experience is not everyone's.

It's a lot for a mother to come to terms with. It's taken me years, and there's lots that drive me nuts about it but it's worked for our child.

OP here. Thanks for your post. My concern is that her week is still broken between the two houses and it has got to be hard on her, as every one else here acknowledges. And if I can change it now for her - why shouldn't I at least try?

According to my lawyer, almost always, the mother gets primary custody. What makes you think that it is hard? I am curious to your source. I am afraid, as you said, the availability of funds might be fueling my lawyer's advice.

Yes, every child is different. My child has a hard time with transition. I can't imagine that other children are not bothered by it. It is imposed on them - they don't have any say - so they accept it.

[Anonymous]

OP, transition IS hard. For everybody. Even the most well adjusted of the well-adjusted struggle with it. I like weekend transitions for this reason. It's easier to just not put any big demands on anybody emotionally, and we just hang around the house adjusting. But every child is different.

FWIW, I'm in Maryland, where I understand joint custody is the preferred arrangement (as is the case with an increasing number of states). When I was out seeking legal advice, I talked to four different attorneys (30 minute consult), and they all had a slightly different take on my situation. It might be worth it to get a second legal opinion. The other sage piece of advice I got was that the more we agreed to outside of court, the better, because if we went before a judge, we would wind up with something that nobody was happy with.

On a side note, my brother, who gives music lessons, recently told me about a student he had who he couldn't seem to get to make any progress with, didn't really seem present at lessons. Turns out the saxophone lesson was the transition point. No wonder.