Does joint custody work?

[Anonymous]

Has it worked for you? What arrangement do you have? Do you wish you had primary custody? What do you think is the best arrangement for a child (not parents)?

DD is soon to be 6. Seeking collective wisdom. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

It has worked well in our family and here are the things that I think make it successful. Both parents live in the same school district. The schedule revolves around the kids and not some arbitrary determination made by the parents. For us, this has meant that sometimes for periods of time, there are only occasional overnights with one parent and the kids are primarly at the other parent's. Mostly this occurs due to sports activities and school requirements that don't fit with one of the parent's work schedules. Both parents are cooperative and don't undermine or talk bad about the other parent other to the kids. Rules are different in each house and that is just accepted unless it truly is a safety or health issue. This requires a lot of letting go, which is hard. In the end, I think this probably works best for our family over primary custody.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm not clear how primary physical custody would be all that different for the child. There'd still be overnights. So DD would deal with the transition, etc.

Joint physical does not mean 50-50. You can do 4/3.

[Anonymous]

P.S. It's worked for my child. Who is in high school. Top student, plays a travel sport, has friends, helps around the house, both houses!

[Anonymous]

I can give the perspective of someone who grew up in a joint custody situation. It was awful. My brother and I were split 50/50 from ages 7 and 9 through high school. Two nights at mom's house, two nights at dad's every single week. We were always living in suitcases, never able to settle and be comfortable in one place for any length of time. I distinctly remember waking up, unsure of which home/bed I was in and trying to readjust every day. My parents worked reasonably well together and did not badmouth or undermine each other but the whole arrangement was ridiculous. Who would want to live like that, as a constant traveller? I honestly can't understand why people think this is acceptable for kids. Children do need to have relationships with both parents but they also need to have a stable home with one bedroom and one set of clothes/toys. I know that there are no really good answers when there is a divorce but 50/50 custody is definitely not a good, healthy compromise. I don't even want to go into all of the negative effects this had on my adult life. They are too bizarre to even explain here but it was not good for many years. I am finally at a point where I know how to live in one house and in a relationship with one person, but it took a loooong time to get there. And I constantly feel restless and uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

9:39

I am sorry that was your experience. Your situation makes the case for fewer transitions and longer stretches. Every other week works for lots of families. I think 2/2 is awful, and cannot believe that so many people do it.

I actually read a post once on DCUM from a woman who had a positive experience with 50-50 (not sure how her parents did it) and amusingly she noted that when she got to college ... and what I expected to read next was that she was relieved to have one place to stay ... she was restless at first because she was so used to moving back and forth. It can work.

[Anonymous]

I should have written "I think 2/2 CAN BE awful. I am surprised that so many people do it, it would not work for my child."

[Anonymous]

Well, we have 50/50 joint legal and physiacl, and our son switches houses every Sunday. This has been the case since he ws two-and-a-half. He's now nine and by far the most well adjusted of the three of us. A week is a long time for a two year old, but now it's a good stretch of time. It gives everyone time to adjust and feel settled and DS actually feels like he lives somewhere, but it's not TOO long.

Do I hate it? Absolutely. Could I think of a better alternative? No, I really couldn't. His dad loves him and he loves his dad. Our marriage was awful and completely unsalvageable, but taking either of them away from each other wasn't an option that made any sense. We parent better together divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can give the perspective of someone who grew up in a joint custody situation. It was awful. My brother and I were split 50/50 from ages 7 and 9 through high school. Two nights at mom's house, two nights at dad's every single week. We were always living in suitcases, never able to settle and be comfortable in one place for any length of time. I distinctly remember waking up, unsure of which home/bed I was in and trying to readjust every day. My parents worked reasonably well together and did not badmouth or undermine each other but the whole arrangement was ridiculous. Who would want to live like that, as a constant traveller? I honestly can't understand why people think this is acceptable for kids. Children do need to have relationships with both parents but they also need to have a stable home with one bedroom and one set of clothes/toys. I know that there are no really good answers when there is a divorce but 50/50 custody is definitely not a good, healthy compromise. I don't even want to go into all of the negative effects this had on my adult life. They are too bizarre to even explain here but it was not good for many years. I am finally at a point where I know how to live in one house and in a relationship with one person, but it took a loooong time to get there. And I constantly feel restless and uncomfortable.

Thanks for sharing this. I am very sorry about your experience. I can't imagine myself going back and forth the same way I would expect of my DD to, if I agree to joint custody. You are right, there is no really good answer that's a win for everyone. And what I am realizing now is that I need to start making decisions that I believe are the best for DD and not think about what would be better for my ex. I really appreciated your input.

[Anonymous]

PP here. To the poster who moved every two days, I'm sorry. That sounds truly awful. It takes ALL of us AT LEAST one day to adjust to the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm not clear how primary physical custody would be all that different for the child. There'd still be overnights. So DD would deal with the transition, etc.

Joint physical does not mean 50-50. You can do 4/3.

I was thinking - MWF visits and Friday overnights, rather than over nights during the week. I suppose it could be done in a joint custody situation too, but my ex would never agree to it. He is very selfish and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

It's worked for us so far - our daughter turns 3 in a couple of months. We were never married, never lived together. We get along well and tend to agree on parenting stuff. We have joint custody, but I'm the primary, so I have our daughter 5 days a week. We trade off holidays and we both take her on vacations. We currently live about 10 miles apart and I got his opinions on the preschools I was considering; we took both our home locations into consideration. We make all decisions together. He got to pick the day of the week that he has her, and we switch back and forth as to who gets which weekend day/night with her. She has a bedroom at each house and toys and clothes at each house. It's working for us. If he ever gets reassigned (he's toying with going back on active duty military status) or this stops working for us, we'll switch things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's worked for us so far - our daughter turns 3 in a couple of months. We were never married, never lived together. We get along well and tend to agree on parenting stuff. We have joint custody, but I'm the primary, so I have our daughter 5 days a week. We trade off holidays and we both take her on vacations. We currently live about 10 miles apart and I got his opinions on the preschools I was considering; we took both our home locations into consideration. We make all decisions together. He got to pick the day of the week that he has her, and we switch back and forth as to who gets which weekend day/night with her. She has a bedroom at each house and toys and clothes at each house. It's working for us. If he ever gets reassigned (he's toying with going back on active duty military status) or this stops working for us, we'll switch things up.

So you do have primary physical custody and NOT joint physical custody (which is what I am considering). I understand joint legal is pretty standard. So what I am hearing from you is that primary physical custody is working for you. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:39

I am sorry that was your experience. Your situation makes the case for fewer transitions and longer stretches. Every other week works for lots of families. I think 2/2 is awful, and cannot believe that so many people do it.

I actually read a post once on DCUM from a woman who had a positive experience with 50-50 (not sure how her parents did it) and amusingly she noted that when she got to college ... and what I expected to read next was that she was relieved to have one place to stay ... she was restless at first because she was so used to moving back and forth. It can work.

9:39 here. Yes that was my experience too. Always restless and uncomfortable staying in one place. In college I tried having two boyfriends and spending time at both their homes. They were aware of each other. It was like I was most comfortable doing that because that was the only "normal" that I knew. I felt like I was two different people all of the time. I've settled down now but I am constantly afraid that I will someday do that to my kids and I am kind of obsessed with getting a vacation home Maybe that is my way of handling my restlessness now that I am a bit more mature.

I will say that at least they loved me and plenty of people have worse childhoods than I did so I don't want to complain. Just offering a perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:39

I am sorry that was your experience. Your situation makes the case for fewer transitions and longer stretches. Every other week works for lots of families. I think 2/2 is awful, and cannot believe that so many people do it.

I actually read a post once on DCUM from a woman who had a positive experience with 50-50 (not sure how her parents did it) and amusingly she noted that when she got to college ... and what I expected to read next was that she was relieved to have one place to stay ... she was restless at first because she was so used to moving back and forth. It can work.

I just think every other week is really hard for a 5/6 year old. And the stability issue is still there. If there is liberal visitation - what drawback is there to giving the child a stable place to stay? Thanks for your thoughts.