Does joint custody work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, transition IS hard. For everybody. Even the most well adjusted of the well-adjusted struggle with it. I like weekend transitions for this reason. It's easier to just not put any big demands on anybody emotionally, and we just hang around the house adjusting. But every child is different.

FWIW, I'm in Maryland, where I understand joint custody is the preferred arrangement (as is the case with an increasing number of states). When I was out seeking legal advice, I talked to four different attorneys (30 minute consult), and they all had a slightly different take on my situation. It might be worth it to get a second legal opinion. The other sage piece of advice I got was that the more we agreed to outside of court, the better, because if we went before a judge, we would wind up with something that nobody was happy with.

On a side note, my brother, who gives music lessons, recently told me about a student he had who he couldn't seem to get to make any progress with, didn't really seem present at lessons. Turns out the saxophone lesson was the transition point. No wonder.

Yes, I have two lawyers that I am consulting, they are recommending different approaches - and I am trying to figure out which is the best for DD. BTW, there was domestic violence (not to DD, but she witnessed verbal abuse). It is such a hard decision. I think 10 years from now, I will regret not fighting harder for DD.

Saxophone lesson story - heartbreaking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They also only lived a few bloacks apart, so that made it easy. I think it was one week at each house.

OP, I really have no experience so maybe I shouldn't be butting in but wondering if this is an option. I had a friend in jr.high whose parents were divorced but both lived within walking distance of school. They had a custody arrangement, I forget whether it was week-to-week or 4/3, but it allowed her to at least see the other parent during the non-custodial times if she wanted or needed to. Staying at mom's house this week, but really missing dad, so could easily walk over for dinner or to do homework for an hour or two one night.

I'm sure the transitions were still tough, but at least there wasn't no contact (I know, bad English) during the off-custody periods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also only lived a few bloacks apart, so that made it easy. I think it was one week at each house.

OP, I really have no experience so maybe I shouldn't be butting in but wondering if this is an option. I had a friend in jr.high whose parents were divorced but both lived within walking distance of school. They had a custody arrangement, I forget whether it was week-to-week or 4/3, but it allowed her to at least see the other parent during the non-custodial times if she wanted or needed to. Staying at mom's house this week, but really missing dad, so could easily walk over for dinner or to do homework for an hour or two one night.

I'm sure the transitions were still tough, but at least there wasn't no contact (I know, bad English) during the off-custody periods.

I am very open to visits any time, as long as we can both agree on it. From her babyhood I had been asking her dad to be more involved. After I asked for a divorce, he did become more involved. I think he should be taking her to school everyday or something that allows him to see her often. However, I know he has entertained the thought of moving further away and would have done so if custody wasn't an issue.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

11:01 here - we have joint legal custody and joint physical custody in Virginia, but I just have her more of the time, mostly because she's so young. (also because I'm much better at juggling multiple priorities than my ex is.) As she gets older, we may explore other options that would have her at dad's for longer periods of time. He could ask for 50/50 custody at any time and I'd be ok with it - he's a good parent - but I don't think he will.

[Anonymous]

My parents had 50/50 custody but did a two week switch. That gave me time to feel settled in each place. In retrospect, that must have been really hard on them, being by themselves for 2 weeks at a time. But, it was a decent arrangement for me. They only lived about 10 minutes apart, I had the same school, of course, same friends, similar routine, and two sets of everything. It was a hassle sometimes because I'd leave one shoe at one house and its mate at the other house, for example. When I turned 16, the arrangement continued and I kinda started to feel like I was living out of my car. When I moved out on my own, it was a relief to live in the same place with all my stuff together.

When I head back to my hometown now with my family, we still do 50% at one parent's house and 50% at the other's, even though they still live in the same small town. Old habits die hard.

I think a one week switch would work fine but, for me, less than a week would have been more difficult. It is disruptive, no matter how you cut it. Kids, however, are flexible and can learn to roll with it.

[Anonymous]

A very philosophical question, OP. Whether it "works" is entirely subjective on many levels. Not everyone's experience is like 9:39's, which sounded very tough for her. I'm sure there are also a lot of children from intact households, who only ever had one room growing up, who as adults suddenly (inexplicably?) find themselves having trouble staying put (assuming that is a virtue we strive to instill). On the other hand, having regular, weekly access to both parents brings some (most?) children with definite benefits as well. Definitely a complex question involving a ton of variables that may ultimately have no "right" answer, which is really just to say be thoughtful and cautious about how much you "fight" for DD's time. And mindfully separate your own feelings for your ex- from what's really best for DD. The answer might surprise you and have nothing to do with the schedule you end up with.

Also, don't retain the lawyer who told you that most mothers end up with primary physical custody in DC. Just not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very philosophical question, OP. Whether it "works" is entirely subjective on many levels. Not everyone's experience is like 9:39's, which sounded very tough for her. I'm sure there are also a lot of children from intact households, who only ever had one room growing up, who as adults suddenly (inexplicably?) find themselves having trouble staying put (assuming that is a virtue we strive to instill). On the other hand, having regular, weekly access to both parents brings some (most?) children with definite benefits as well. Definitely a complex question involving a ton of variables that may ultimately have no "right" answer, which is really just to say be thoughtful and cautious about how much you "fight" for DD's time. And mindfully separate your own feelings for your ex- from what's really best for DD. The answer might surprise you and have nothing to do with the schedule you end up with.

Also, don't retain the lawyer who told you that most mothers end up with primary physical custody in DC. Just not the case.

I am thinking long and hard about it. I so appreciate different view points being discussed here.

The lawyer said it about VA, not DC. And it seems like there is a code on physical abuse and custody.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Sometimes splits during the school week work better for pickup, right from school instead of pickup or dropff from home sweet home, it takes the sting out of the transition. 4/3 works great for a number of families I know, including mine. As for custody, in DC it's really, really hard for mothers to get custody if the dad wants joint, Maryland, too. I didn't realize you were VA. Of course do what you thinks best! Your DD will be fine, that's the important thing to remember.

[Anonymous]

P.S. What I've observed is parents do the best they can after coming to some sort of agreement on the schedule and then work around work and family travel ... Remember every dime you spend on a legal battle is money not going into a child's college fund. We were frugal, my ex and I but ended up spending enough for a trip for four to the Galapagos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Sometimes splits during the school week work better for pickup, right from school instead of pickup or dropff from home sweet home, it takes the sting out of the transition. 4/3 works great for a number of families I know, including mine. As for custody, in DC it's really, really hard for mothers to get custody if the dad wants joint, Maryland, too. I didn't realize you were VA. Of course do what you thinks best! Your DD will be fine, that's the important thing to remember.

It is such a hard decision. Thanks again for sharing your opinion and helping me clarify things. If you get a chance - will you please remind me again what your 4/3 arrangement is?

I just spoke to my collaborative lawyer - she affirmed that in the past 21 years (and 32 for the other lawyer) - the FFX county court has never ordered joint custody. However, she put the cost up to 50K to 80K - I nearly got a heart attack. I wonder if anyone here has gone through contested custody and know how much it would end up costing.

[Anonymous]

Hi our 4/3 varied depending on work about we used to split weekends, DS was with me Sun - W, it varied. I liked splitting weekend when DS was younger.

I have a friend in DC her custody battle cost each parent over $100,000. I'm the PP who suggested to watch your lawyer's advice!

It took me a long time to warm to the two homes idea, but we made it fun... I am not exaggerating when I say every divorced child I know is doing great!

[Anonymous]

Your fairfax lawyer, if she has been practicing that long, is lying to you. Judges in Fairfax award shared custody all the time. It may not be 50/50 but anything over 90 overnights is considered "shared" in Virginia. It is so fact specific that I find your lawyers generalization incredibly irresponsible. Factors matter such as: how far apart will you be living, what are your respective work hours, what has been your historical roles, etc. Etc. I'm not saying you won't get primary physical if you win (as I have no idea what the facts are), I'm just saying that your perception is wrong and your attorney is giving you a false sense of security.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you are being taken for a ride! Joint custody is the norm almost everywhere these days, unless a parent is unfit, and even then, the definition of "fit" is much broader than you might expect. Find yourself a new lawyer. It will cost you tens of thousands to mediate a settlement and easily $100k to litigate. I spent over $40k on mediation and settlement in DC and was a day away from needing another $45k for a litigation retainer. Discovery, depositions, expert witnesses, it adds up faster than you can imagine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your fairfax lawyer, if she has been practicing that long, is lying to you. Judges in Fairfax award shared custody all the time. It may not be 50/50 but anything over 90 overnights is considered "shared" in Virginia. It is so fact specific that I find your lawyers generalization incredibly irresponsible. Factors matter such as: how far apart will you be living, what are your respective work hours, what has been your historical roles, etc. Etc. I'm not saying you won't get primary physical if you win (as I have no idea what the facts are), I'm just saying that your perception is wrong and your attorney is giving you a false sense of security.

Interesting. I wonder if we are getting terms mixed up. Joint legal - both lawyers said - is a must. Joint physical is what's apparently never ordered. I've heard it from two different lawyers. What's your source?

It is scary if they are giving me a false sense of security. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you are being taken for a ride! Joint custody is the norm almost everywhere these days, unless a parent is unfit, and even then, the definition of "fit" is much broader than you might expect. Find yourself a new lawyer. It will cost you tens of thousands to mediate a settlement and easily $100k to litigate. I spent over $40k on mediation and settlement in DC and was a day away from needing another $45k for a litigation retainer. Discovery, depositions, expert witnesses, it adds up faster than you can imagine!

So what was your custody settlement? What did you disagree on? Thanks for sharing your experience.