Angry Doesn't Begin to Describe My Anger Right Now

[Anonymous]

I have always thought that things like inheritances, trust funds that you gain access to when you turn 50, etc, etc SHOULD be considered Monopoly money

I would never leave money to someone who thought this way. The people I know who have left money or established trusts did it to provide additional financial security for the recipients, not so they could treat it like it didn't matter. OP's husband screwed up. If he were my SO, I'd be willing to forgive, because that's what partners do, but only if he understood what the problem was with his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling. To me this is a basic trust issue. If you and he disagreed about this and he went and did it anyway, that's a red flag. It says there's a basic lack of teamplay here and bad faith dealing on his part. I might excuse it if say, he took 5 grand out of the 100 grand because he couldn't resist doing it, had an impulse or felt he owed it to his friend. But that he went ahead and invested everything knowing that you were refusing? To me that would be a sign that there is something fundamentally amiss. I'm sorry, OP. I would be angry too.

Ditto. Your husband needs to explain why he thought it was ok to completely override your opinion and act unilaterally. Was the inheritance from someone in his family, so he thought of the money as just "his"? I would be really furious and have a hard time getting over it without some counseling and some improvement in the relationship. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Given that OP's DH took 100k (a significant sum even for DCUMers barely getting by on 300k a year) and invested it *over OP's objections* ...

Part of me is thinking DH is building a little independent nest egg and telling OP "oops, I lost the money." I'd ask for trade records, etc.

[Anonymous]

Did you inherit it? Did he? Or was it a joint inheritance? If it was just his, I'd still be mad, but a little less so. He can legally do with is as he pleases. Including being stupid with it, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm truly sorry this has happened and can understand your anger. Not wanting to add further to your pain, but do you think it's possible your DH has a gambling problem? Some people tell themselves they're making "investments" (and really rationalize that that's what they're doing) when they're risk-takers looking for "the big one."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you inherit it? Did he? Or was it a joint inheritance? If it was just his, I'd still be mad, but a little less so. He can legally do with is as he pleases. Including being stupid with it, unfortunately.

Yes, I agree with this. Was the money left to one of you explicitly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling. To me this is a basic trust issue. If you and he disagreed about this and he went and did it anyway, that's a red flag. It says there's a basic lack of teamplay here and bad faith dealing on his part. I might excuse it if say, he took 5 grand out of the 100 grand because he couldn't resist doing it, had an impulse or felt he owed it to his friend. But that he went ahead and invested everything knowing that you were refusing? To me that would be a sign that there is something fundamentally amiss. I'm sorry, OP. I would be angry too.

Ditto. Your husband needs to explain why he thought it was ok to completely override your opinion and act unilaterally. Was the inheritance from someone in his family, so he thought of the money as just "his"? I would be really furious and have a hard time getting over it without some counseling and some improvement in the relationship. Sorry, OP.

I agree. Making a mistake and losing the money is not the issue. Ignoring your input is the problem. And I also would like to know if it was your inheritance or his. Although ultimately you are a TEAM and thus should make these decisions together. And I agree, get the records.

Does he regularly make unilateral decisions and ignore your input? If so you have a serious problem here.

[Anonymous]

I would also be FURIOUS. I agree with PP that said you need marriage counseling. He betrayed your trust in a major way. Even if you were to forgive him this time, it will fester...and fester. One day, when you are fighting about something else or he does something minor, it will rear its ugly head again.

[Anonymous]

Who inherited it? If it was from his family, I think it was his call to do what he wanted with it. I would still be livid he didn't take your opinion into account, but it a way, it was his money to lose. I'm not saying this doesn't represent a huge problem in your marriage - the fact that he didn't wait until you agreed on a plan, but I think there is some justification for him doing what he wants with the money.

Now, if it came from your side of the family - I'd be more than livid.

My husband has done a few bonehead things with our money. For the most part, he did it during the time period he made a lot, so I just chaulked it up to "he made it, he can lose it." But now that we are are a tighter budget, I've realizing I need to start controlling the finances. Our new rule is that he can only "invest" money that we can afford to lose. Which is none. And he cannot make any financial decisions without my agreement (and visa-versa).

[Anonymous]

You set yourself up for problems if you give in, and then get angry when things don't work out. Of course your DH is to blame. But when you give in, you take responsibility for the decision.

You have to find a way to reach agreement that you will both stand behind, regardless of the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, 100k isn't just a small amount in my world-- it's a huge amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I can't even begin to imagine how angry you are. I'd be livid too and it is understandable.

Your husband has trampled on your trust. I'm with the others who say you should both go to therapy.

I also agree with needing to understand where the money was lost and how -- the friend should sit down with *both* of you -- don't continue to let your husband be the conduit.

Who was the money left too? Was it you?

[Anonymous]

OP, what has he said since this all exploded?
I would be beyond furious too.

[Anonymous]

DH here, while normally I'm relatively sympathetic to other DHs being described on this board, this is an exception. Assuming that the facts are as you described them and there are no other mitigating circumstances, this is an epic fail. His core responsibility, as a DH, is competence. He failed, in a particularly foolish and incompetent way (even leaving aside the trust issues). He needs to figure out a way to make that right, either by taking a second job, foregoing individual expenditures, something like that. Undoing the damage you have caused builds character, which it sounds like he needs.

[Anonymous]

You will need the records for tax purposes so that wil help you find out what he invested in. chances are you will be single in a year because there will be zippo records of this.