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[quote=Anonymous]Op here,

You are not wrong that emotions are high and while I've lived far away for 30 years now I know I'm sensitive about being aggressively criticized about "ruining the family by moving" because it's been going on regularly for 30 years - even in times when things are ok and there's nothing going on. I've been able to be more detached or manage dealing with it in the past and I'm working on it.

I hear you and understand that asking my sister what I can do to help is probably not helpful. I also understand the caretaking is falling on her so I guess I thought I was being sensitive to that. There actually are some things I could do remotely to help but she wants to do them.

To clarify, the aggressive attacks are coming from my Mom. Rarely from my sister. She just acts resentful, which I can understand and handle.

In this case Mom reached out to tell me that I'm horrible, that I don't care and my sister needs help and I'm not providing it. That's why I reached out to my sister to ask this particular time.

For 2 years now I have been the person arranging the home health aides off and on as they have been needed. That is something my Mom has wanted and how she has wanted to be cared for (she refuses assisted living and can afford to pay for this option). I do it to help and also so my sister doesn't have that to manage too. It is more work than you'd think bc my Mom is difficult and consistently arguing with and rejecting aides which I navigate and deal with the company about. I'm fine doing it as I genuinely do want to take some things off the plate.

I did offer to take on working out the palliative care. Help was declined and I was told there was a call next week with the doctor about it (they are doing it, it's too difficult to patch me in too).

Honestly, even just writing all that out and reading your responses has helped. I in know way believe I'm a victim here. I always have acknowledged all that my sister does.

I'd just love to figure out how to better navigate this as it's not ending soon. It's hard to process and grieve what's coming when I'm being verbally punched in the face by Mom on the regular.

I'm grateful for the perspectives, as we live in an area with so many transplants who also likely have families elsewhere. I just want to try and do what I can. I have to learn to become ok with the resentment that comes with me living elsewhere.[/quote]

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