Already Depressed about Valentine's Day

[Anonymous]

It has been at least five years, OP. It is not unexpected at this point. Perhaps seeking the guidance of a skilled therapist would be beneficial if you aren't happy either planning something yourself for both of you to enjoy or accepting it.

[Anonymous]

Last year I got something for DH and he didn't get anything for me. This year we discussed ahead of time and agreed we don't want to celebrate it. I wish he had communicated more last year. I feel great about this year's plan because it is a dumb holiday and DH shows his love in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend (who is married to a lawyer) buys 2 dozen roses herself from the place with the nicest flowers in town.

She also takes herself out to lunch as a treat.

She does the same for Mothers Day.

Treat yourself. Ultimately you are in charge of you.

I guess when women seek out guys who make money they don't necessarily have very much time or empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did do that for years but then got tired of being the only one to make an effort. Does nobody else feel sad if their husband ignores the holiday when you have already told him it makes you sad?

I’m the wife who forgets this stuff. I pretty much always forget our anniversary and valentines. I do remember Xmas, and I only forgot his birthday a couple of years out of 20. He isn’t holding this against me. He knows I don’t keep track of dates. I show how much I love him in a million other ways.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but I think you're pathetic, OP.

My husband is not the gift-giving sort, and thinks holidays are not important. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his family. He cares for us in multiple other ways all throughout the year. I buy myself what I want for Christmas and I buy stuff for the kids, because usually he has no idea what to do. For minor holidays like Valentine's Day, usually we cook something we both like, or go out to dinner - not on the actual day, but somewhere around then. Just to mark the occasion in a very low-key way.

You need to reframe your relationship otherwise YOU wil make YOURSELF miserable your entire life.

[Anonymous]

Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Put on your big kid unds and use your words to ask for exactly what you want. Plan it yourself.

Happiness is an inside job. Quit trying to outsource it so you can blame your spouse in advance for your decision to be unhappy on a hallmark holiday. If he loves you the other 364 days of the year, you're fine. If he's awful the other 364, get a divorce.

You're an adult. Adults make choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but I think you're pathetic, OP.

My husband is not the gift-giving sort, and thinks holidays are not important. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his family. He cares for us in multiple other ways all throughout the year. I buy myself what I want for Christmas and I buy stuff for the kids, because usually he has no idea what to do. For minor holidays like Valentine's Day, usually we cook something we both like, or go out to dinner - not on the actual day, but somewhere around then. Just to mark the occasion in a very low-key way.

You need to reframe your relationship otherwise YOU wil make YOURSELF miserable your entire life.

Me again. For Christmas, I usually do not buy him anything he hasn't asked me to buy, unless I come across something that screams his name, because he's a thrifty person who doesn't need much and is very picky. I get that because I'm a little like that myself. We do not give each other anything on Valentine's Day. Some years ago, he was obsessed with orchids and making his own chocolates, and he would buy an orchid on that day, to add to his collection, or make his own chocolates, and present them to me proudly... it made him happy. But I do not mind that he's stopped.

[Anonymous]

"If he wanted to he would"

The bar is literally in hell, and some men are bringing a shovel. Vday is the same day, every year, advertised nonstop since xmas. If someone won't make the 2s decision to pick up a box of chocolates at the grocery store or gas station when they're already there... well you aren't much of a consideration. And you should realize that life doesn't have to feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expectations are premeditated resentments.

Put on your big kid unds and use your words to ask for exactly what you want. Plan it yourself.

Happiness is an inside job. Quit trying to outsource it so you can blame your spouse in advance for your decision to be unhappy on a hallmark holiday. If he loves you the other 364 days of the year, you're fine. If he's awful the other 364, get a divorce.

You're an adult. Adults make choices.

I chose to plan a trip for myself this year over Valentine's Day. It's an active vacation where I'll be with other people who share my interests. Really looking forward to it and more in the future.

DH and I just don't have anything in common anymore, other than our kids. I'm investing my time, energy, hopes and money elsewhere now.

[Anonymous]

I feel that way too. There are even people selling bouquets on the side of the road. You almost have to make an effort NOT to get something for Valentine’s Day.

[Anonymous]

You want him to be someone he’s not and do something he clearly doesn’t want to do.

Why is that, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel that way too. There are even people selling bouquets on the side of the road. You almost have to make an effort NOT to get something for Valentine’s Day.

There are people who reject the idea they need to celebrate this thing at all, and there are people with severe ADHD who just can't get their stuff together, for real, like forgetting to pay their taxes on time, let alone think about Valentine stuff. Some of my close relatives are in the second group.

And that's OK. I'm a married woman who couldn't care less about Valentine's Day, or our anniversary. The most we do is Christmas and birthdays, and even those are limited to our nuclear family. I remember my parents' birthdays, and he remembers his parents' and siblings' birthdays.

The simple life is infinitely better.

[Anonymous]

You have to make yourself happy. Go buy a diamond bracelet if that's what you wish he'd give you on valentines day. Romantic love is overrated anyway. At best, it ends in a dead marriage with a husband who can't remember to pick up some flowers from the grocery store on Valentine's Day.

[Anonymous]

No sympathy. This is a communication issue. You talk to your husband about what you want and what he's prepared to remember or agree to, and some compromise is reached.

[Anonymous]

This is a self-made problem, OP. There is something wrong with your way of thinking and you will always be unhappy.

DH and I usually have no plans and so we do spur of the moment things - trips, hiking, driving, birdwatching, movies, dinner, theatre, exhibitions, exploring some town, national parks...or...some more organized and enthusiastic friends will invite us for a party etc. If that does not happen, we are very happy being in bed watching netflix or something.