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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I’m really sorry to say that even in the case of documented abuse, if your DH denies it or brings in a custody evaluator, the abuse will likely be dismissed. I posted and about my mentally ill STBX and yes, there was abuse and the kids had very little relationship with him before he blew up. But he went nuclear and brought in a custody evaluator right after he filed. That is unusually aggressive but also very effective, especially when one party is paying for it. I couldn’t decline participation because the alternative was to go straight to a hearing for 50/50 custody and state minimum child support. It’s like having a gun to your head.

The custody evaluator spent very little time looking at documentation or doing meetings and observations and basically took the perspective that STBX deserved a fresh start and was being unfairly judged for having mental health struggles (ignoring that he discontinued treatment and that it was negatively impacting the children).

Mental illness and erratic behavior or even abuse are treated very differently by family court if it’s happening with the father vs the mother. A mother is judged on what’s she done so far, and a father is judged on his potential. It isn’t fair to the children but you need to know that going in so you can structure your life and your asks accordingly. You may end up with 50/50 and then have to do a lot of documentation after that in the hopes of getting modification. [b]It requires the kids to suffer through instability and uncertainty and even future abuse, but family court doesn’t care.[/b][/quote]

My mom allegedly stayed with my raging, mentally ill dad to avoid 50/50 custody (though she stayed after all the kids were out of the house too...). Guess what? We still suffered through instability, uncertainty, and future abuse. [/quote]

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