Would you tell mom friend why my child no longer wants to hang out with her child?

[Anonymous]

Since your relationship with mom might suffer regardless, you could gently say that stuff about the stepping on the foot and name calling. Say something like “I know they’re all learning how to socialize and nobody is perfect, but right now it’s affecting my dd”

No DOUBT the other girl will lie and say your kid is doing the same stuff back yada yada and mom will believe her, but it’s important for that girl to know she can’t always get away with that kind of behavior.

I would want to know if my kid was being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

None of this behavior is annoying. It's just mean. I wouldn't even say most of it is selfish -- most children display selfish behavior at times because it's linked to a very human instinct to protect resources. But what you are describing here is cruel, mean-spirited behavior, intended to wound your child.

If it were me I'd probably just say my DD needed a break and that it sounds like the girls don't get along. I would only provide examples if asked. I wouldn't lay it all out because I'd worry about the mom getting defensive and going on the offensive against me, or alternatively getting angry with her daughter and taking it out on her. This behavior is severe and may stem from family dysfunction, so I'd tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice to know if we’re talking about 6 yr olds or 16 yr olds. (Yes I know extreme range). But I would counsel my kids differently depending on the age.

I agree with the PP who is wondering why your child has not been standing up for herself. Seems odd to me.


Also stop with the “only children are spoiled and self centered”. Her being an only child has nothing to do with her being unpleasant. The most unpleasant child I’ve dealt with was one of 5–because she was smack in the middle and received virtually no attention, so bad attention was better than none.

The girls are 9.

I stress kindness, maybe too much. I have taught my child to be polite and kind. If my child has a better anything, I would be horrified if she said my “x” is better than your “y”.

My friend’s daughter and my daughter have different strengths and weaknesses. I would absolutely not want my child to put down the other child. I don’t think my child knows how to respond when someone insults her.

There was a girl in her class last year who is a bully and mean. I just coached my daughter to stay away from her.

[Anonymous]

I'm a fan of the nice version of the truth. So not "we're busy" (which is nowhere near the truth) but rather something like "oh, hi! I would love to see you! Unfortunately, I've noticed that Larla and Darla don't get along too well, so we should just meet up the two of us."

Then offer something that might work well with her schedule for just the two of you.

If she presses, I'd go as far as, "Larla just isn't such a fan of Darla. Sometimes kids don't mesh well, I can't force them to be friends."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

None of this behavior is annoying. It's just mean. I wouldn't even say most of it is selfish -- most children display selfish behavior at times because it's linked to a very human instinct to protect resources. But what you are describing here is cruel, mean-spirited behavior, intended to wound your child.

If it were me I'd probably just say my DD needed a break and that it sounds like the girls don't get along. I would only provide examples if asked. I wouldn't lay it all out because I'd worry about the mom getting defensive and going on the offensive against me, or alternatively getting angry with her daughter and taking it out on her. This behavior is severe and may stem from family dysfunction, so I'd tread carefully.

I do sense some dysfunction in their household. The mom has a very demanding career. I envy the mom professionally. The daughter talks back to her mom and dad constantly so I’m not sure they even notice how the girl treats others. I would be horrified if my child talked to others, both children and adults, the way this child did. They are constantly buying her things and often the most expensive and flashy item so then the girl shows off and puts others down.

If the girl snatches or pushes someone to get her way, the parents are right there and may say something like take turns but don’t seem to correct child’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

“Larla no longer wants to hour out with Larlie because Larlie physically hurts her.” Give examples. “ I’d love to continue to hang out with you one-on-one while you relive this with your daughter.”

Don’t assume that the mom will let the relationship drop. She possibly experiences lots of rejection and can’t see why. If Larlie is an only child, she’s likely not doing this in the home. You’re being a good friend kindly bringing this to her attention. She may be too hurt or embarrassed to continue the friendship, but don’t make that decision for her. I agree that you shouldn’t guess why Larlie is behaving this way. Just state what is happening and how it is affecting your daughter. Stand firm on the boundary your daughter can no longer be in the room with Larlie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Larla no longer wants to hang out with Larlie because Larlie physically hurts her.” Give examples. “ I’d love to continue to hang out with you one-on-one while you resolve this with your daughter.”

Don’t assume that the mom will let the relationship drop. She possibly experiences lots of rejection and can’t see why. If Larlie is an only child, she’s likely not doing this in the home. You’re being a good friend kindly bringing this to her attention. She may be too hurt or embarrassed to continue the friendship, but don’t make that decision for her. I agree that you shouldn’t guess why Larlie is behaving this way. Just state what is happening and how it is affecting your daughter. Stand firm on the boundary your daughter can no longer be in the room with Larlie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

The kid is not violent or dangerous. She is mean. She might be a mix of super arrogant and insecure at the same time. I know the mom struggles with the child a lot. I love the mom. Mom is super smart, successful and a considerate person. Her child is completely opposite of her mom.

I have told my child to basically suffer through our outings and that there is some fun. I can offer the most amazing outings, events or even vacations with this mom and daughter and my child would rather stay home and study than hang out with them. My daughter generally gets along with most other children.

PP you responded to. OK, she's not "dangerous," but she does put hands on your kid, so I retract my suck it up statement. This is more than just annoying bratty behavior.

[Anonymous]

"it's not a good match"

the less you say the better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

None of this behavior is annoying. It's just mean. I wouldn't even say most of it is selfish -- most children display selfish behavior at times because it's linked to a very human instinct to protect resources. But what you are describing here is cruel, mean-spirited behavior, intended to wound your child.

If it were me I'd probably just say my DD needed a break and that it sounds like the girls don't get along. I would only provide examples if asked. I wouldn't lay it all out because I'd worry about the mom getting defensive and going on the offensive against me, or alternatively getting angry with her daughter and taking it out on her. This behavior is severe and may stem from family dysfunction, so I'd tread carefully.

Don't offer examples unless asked. If you want to maintain the friendship just say the girls aren't getting along and plan for just the two of you to get together.

Also, everyone on here so quick to attribute the behavior to parenting.... A lot of these things sound similar to behavior of my HFA daughter. Parenting techniques that work for other kids don't always work for neurodivergent children (e.g. continually correcting their behavior). We're doing all the therapies and working on finding the "right" medication for our DC. Manny of our friends are not aware of our DCs diagnosis.

So give your friend some grace and just arrange to hang out with her solo without all of the judgement. You may not know the full story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice to know if we’re talking about 6 yr olds or 16 yr olds. (Yes I know extreme range). But I would counsel my kids differently depending on the age.

I agree with the PP who is wondering why your child has not been standing up for herself. Seems odd to me.


Also stop with the “only children are spoiled and self centered”. Her being an only child has nothing to do with her being unpleasant. The most unpleasant child I’ve dealt with was one of 5–because she was smack in the middle and received virtually no attention, so bad attention was better than none.

The girls are 9.

I stress kindness, maybe too much. I have taught my child to be polite and kind. If my child has a better anything, I would be horrified if she said my “x” is better than your “y”.

My friend’s daughter and my daughter have different strengths and weaknesses. I would absolutely not want my child to put down the other child. I don’t think my child knows how to respond when someone insults her.

There was a girl in her class last year who is a bully and mean. I just coached my daughter to stay away from her.

The girls don't need to hang out but your daughter should learn how to respond to meaness. That doesn't have to involve put downs. Labeling the action and your child's discomfort is an easy way of advocatingfor herself while being kind.

"Hey Larla, you're stepping on my foot. Can you move?" "Ow, Larla, you jabbed me in the rib. Can you move your arm so that doesn’t happen again?" "Your X is nice, but I like my Y. We can like different things."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

The kid is not violent or dangerous. She is mean. She might be a mix of super arrogant and insecure at the same time. I know the mom struggles with the child a lot. I love the mom. Mom is super smart, successful and a considerate person. Her child is completely opposite of her mom.

I have told my child to basically suffer through our outings and that there is some fun. I can offer the most amazing outings, events or even vacations with this mom and daughter and my child would rather stay home and study than hang out with them. My daughter generally gets along with most other children.

So this friend of yours is brilliant and successful at her job but is doing a lousy job as a mother, raising her only child. And this is someone you want to be friends with? Someone whose priorities are that screwed up?

Personally, I feel sorry for this kid. She has a mother who ignores her.

[Anonymous]

I have yet to meet a parent that would appreciate your honesty (about her child’s behavior). Nothing good will come of that.

I’d simply do a slow fade on the play dates until she gets the hint. “Oh shoot we are busy” etc. If she does ask you directly (she probably will not) then use the “the girls seem to be growing apart” excuse.

Continue to ask the mom to hang out (adults only) here and there. Continue to text to check in (especially about non kid related things).

The adult friendship (especially if it is based only on the kids) probably will not last. Most do not. Kids change friends over the years for various reasons, and this is around the age that begins. If you have other things in common, occasionally the relationship will shift to a normal adult friendship.

[Anonymous]

What would be the purpose in telling your friend that your daughter doesn’t like her daughter? If it’s just to get out of the pattern of your children hanging out together, there are lots of ways to do that. Ask for adult one-on-one time. Sign your kid up for an activity of play date so that’s she’s unavailable. Say that your child prefers alone time right now. If your friend isn’t inclined to change her approach to parenting, saying something about her daughter will only drive a wedge between you.

[Anonymous]

This mother struggles parenting a difficult child, so she won't be surprised that this friendship has run its course, OP. I would tell her something factual, like the list you made, because it's helpful for this parent when she finally goes to get her child evaluated.

And yes, this child needs an psychological evaluation.