Would you tell mom friend why my child no longer wants to hang out with her child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

None of this behavior is annoying. It's just mean. I wouldn't even say most of it is selfish -- most children display selfish behavior at times because it's linked to a very human instinct to protect resources. But what you are describing here is cruel, mean-spirited behavior, intended to wound your child.

If it were me I'd probably just say my DD needed a break and that it sounds like the girls don't get along. I would only provide examples if asked. I wouldn't lay it all out because I'd worry about the mom getting defensive and going on the offensive against me, or alternatively getting angry with her daughter and taking it out on her. This behavior is severe and may stem from family dysfunction, so I'd tread carefully.

Don't offer examples unless asked. If you want to maintain the friendship just say the girls aren't getting along and plan for just the two of you to get together.

Also, everyone on here so quick to attribute the behavior to parenting.... A lot of these things sound similar to behavior of my HFA daughter. Parenting techniques that work for other kids don't always work for neurodivergent children (e.g. continually correcting their behavior). We're doing all the therapies and working on finding the "right" medication for our DC. Manny of our friends are not aware of our DCs diagnosis.

So give your friend some grace and just arrange to hang out with her solo without all of the judgement. You may not know the full story.

This. OP sounds like she is the perfect parent to the perfect daughter. Doesn't reflect well on the OP either to raise a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Protect your own kid. 9 year olds change friendships all the time so it's not dramatic to say "the girls don't seem to get along" and just don't make your kid spend time with that kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is not violent or dangerous. She is mean. She might be a mix of super arrogant and insecure at the same time.

Insecurity often makes people act arrogant and mean. Insecurity can come from many sources.

How aware is the mom of her DD's behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An aside: the fact that she’s an only child is irrelevant. Please don’t use that as a de facto reason for why she’s spoiled and bratty. Lots of only children are not, and stating that only continues the tired trope of only children being self-centered.

Rant over. This is a tough one. Your child shouldn’t be forced to spend time with someone who is, frankly, abusive to her. The best you can hope for is if you tell your friend, “I don’t think the girls have much in common anymore” she will gracefully accept that.

Thank you. There are plenty of @sshole kids with siblings, OP. Jeez.

That said, don’t tell the mom your daughter hates hers, but do say the girls have grown apart so why don’t just you and I get together? If that doesn’t work, then I think you just keep declining invitations from her to hang out with your kids. At some point she’ll take the hint. You might be able to rekindle the friendship when the girls are older. But don’t force your daughter to spend time with this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

None of this behavior is annoying. It's just mean. I wouldn't even say most of it is selfish -- most children display selfish behavior at times because it's linked to a very human instinct to protect resources. But what you are describing here is cruel, mean-spirited behavior, intended to wound your child.

If it were me I'd probably just say my DD needed a break and that it sounds like the girls don't get along. I would only provide examples if asked. I wouldn't lay it all out because I'd worry about the mom getting defensive and going on the offensive against me, or alternatively getting angry with her daughter and taking it out on her. This behavior is severe and may stem from family dysfunction, so I'd tread carefully.

Don't offer examples unless asked. If you want to maintain the friendship just say the girls aren't getting along and plan for just the two of you to get together.

Also, everyone on here so quick to attribute the behavior to parenting.... A lot of these things sound similar to behavior of my HFA daughter. Parenting techniques that work for other kids don't always work for neurodivergent children (e.g. continually correcting their behavior). We're doing all the therapies and working on finding the "right" medication for our DC. Manny of our friends are not aware of our DCs diagnosis.

So give your friend some grace and just arrange to hang out with her solo without all of the judgement. You may not know the full story.

This. OP sounds like she is the perfect parent to the perfect daughter. Doesn't reflect well on the OP either to raise a doormat.

+1

Not all social issues are a result of parenting. I will also add that (1) OP may not necessarily be getting the full story from her own DD- very common and (2) girls naturally start to separate & change friendships- for various reasons- right around this age & this stage will last for years. Not something to base adult friendships on, one way or another.

OP- if you enjoy the friendship, try to shift gears. Ask the mom to hang out adults-only. Lunch or drinks etc.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have yet to meet a parent that would appreciate your honesty (about her child’s behavior). Nothing good will come of that.

I’d simply do a slow fade on the play dates until she gets the hint. “Oh shoot we are busy” etc. If she does ask you directly (she probably will not) then use the “the girls seem to be growing apart” excuse.

Continue to ask the mom to hang out (adults only) here and there. Continue to text to check in (especially about non kid related things).

The adult friendship (especially if it is based only on the kids) probably will not last. Most do not. Kids change friends over the years for various reasons, and this is around the age that begins. If you have other things in common, occasionally the relationship will shift to a normal adult friendship.

I would appreciate the honesty but I am
Rare and few of my friends are willing
To see their children’s flaws. My daughter had a friend like this girl, but the mom thinks everyone else is mean to her angel. Literally the opposite of reality/. Slow fade or a vague “girls seem to have some friction let’s just her together without the kids “ is your best bet

[Anonymous]

It is possible that the Mom is being super sweet to you just so that her child can claim to have a friend. She might not like you that much but realizes that her daughter has problems and is using you. If you try to have moms-only time she may push back for this hidden reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice to know if we’re talking about 6 yr olds or 16 yr olds. (Yes I know extreme range). But I would counsel my kids differently depending on the age.

I agree with the PP who is wondering why your child has not been standing up for herself. Seems odd to me.


Also stop with the “only children are spoiled and self centered”. Her being an only child has nothing to do with her being unpleasant. The most unpleasant child I’ve dealt with was one of 5–because she was smack in the middle and received virtually no attention, so bad attention was better than none.

The girls are 9.

I stress kindness, maybe too much. I have taught my child to be polite and kind. If my child has a better anything, I would be horrified if she said my “x” is better than your “y”.

My friend’s daughter and my daughter have different strengths and weaknesses. I would absolutely not want my child to put down the other child. I don’t think my child knows how to respond when someone insults her.

There was a girl in her class last year who is a bully and mean. I just coached my daughter to stay away from her.

You have got to give your daughter a set of skills to deal with someone who insults her and hits her like that. She is 9. She is headed into peak mean years. I’m not saying she has to know how to throw a punch or say something insulting back but she has got to have a couple of lines at the ready in a confident, do-not-mess-with-me tone. Practice often because dealing with mean people is a lifelong skill.

Are you witnessing the mean girl behavior in person or just getting the after action report? If you see crap behavior, I would call it out. If your friend doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to hang out, there’s your solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have yet to meet a parent that would appreciate your honesty (about her child’s behavior). Nothing good will come of that.

I’d simply do a slow fade on the play dates until she gets the hint. “Oh shoot we are busy” etc. If she does ask you directly (she probably will not) then use the “the girls seem to be growing apart” excuse.

Continue to ask the mom to hang out (adults only) here and there. Continue to text to check in (especially about non kid related things).

The adult friendship (especially if it is based only on the kids) probably will not last. Most do not. Kids change friends over the years for various reasons, and this is around the age that begins. If you have other things in common, occasionally the relationship will shift to a normal adult friendship.

I would appreciate the honesty but I am
Rare and few of my friends are willing
To see their children’s flaws. My daughter had a friend like this girl, but the mom thinks everyone else is mean to her angel. Literally the opposite of reality/. Slow fade or a vague “girls seem to have some friction let’s just her together without the kids “ is your best bet

My daughter had a friend like this in elementary school also. The girl would say things like “what is that on your face Larla?!” (Pointing out a blemish) or “that shirt doesn’t look good on you” etc. Constant put downs. I think she was just insecure or similar, but the other girls stopped inviting her by late elementary school (when we finally allowed them to). The mom is very nice and was convinced the others were picking on her daughter. It was awkward.

Interestingly, the girl is now lovely and is friendly with my DD and some of the others again- in high school! After going to separate middle school. They all laugh about it now.

[Anonymous]

white lies are okay sometimes, these are one of those times.

Your daughter has "plans" or a club meeting or another playdate when asked.

You don't say hey your kids a jerk my kid dislikes. It won't go well.

[Anonymous]

If a slow fade doesn’t work, I think it’s ok to say the kids have less in common these days and hope your friend gets the hint.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you were friends before your daughters were even born? If so, you probably know this friend pretty well? Would she be willing to hear what you have to say about what YOU have witnessed (it's generally not super helpful to get into a she said/she said argument) and do you think she would take it to heart? I know some moms are unable to comprehend that their child had done anything wrong, so I don't try to have actual conversations with them anymore. I even had one who would not back down about something my child apparently said to her, even when it was around a topic my child knew nothing about (i.e. your robotics submission was pathetic when my kid didn't even know their kid did robotics). Other friends are more like me and are willing to acknowledge that our kids might have done something crappy and we can talk about it, although I've been surprised how many people may SEEM open to discussing that topic but then really aren't...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

Terrible advice

[Anonymous]

I'd be honest and say that her kid does not like mine, so best we stop trying to force it.