Would you tell mom friend why my child no longer wants to hang out with her child?

[Anonymous]

My child dislikes, possibly hates, my friend’s child. I have forced them to hang out and I finally see why my child doesn’t like this child. The child is an only child and very spoiled. She is very inconsiderate and selfish. The mom works a lot so it is unlikely my adult friendship would survive as mom tries to spend time with her daughter when they are free and that is why she tries to hang out with me and my daughter. I don’t think I can come up with any more bad excuses on why we can’t hang out when the only reason is that my child does not like her child.

Would you give an actual reason?
Or just continue to make excuses?

[Anonymous]

No, don't tell her your child hates her child.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? You could say something like "I think the kids have grown apart - why don't we meet up just adults"

[Anonymous]

Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

[Anonymous]

Yes tell her.

Stop making your kid play with her kid.

[Anonymous]

No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

The kid is not violent or dangerous. She is mean. She might be a mix of super arrogant and insecure at the same time. I know the mom struggles with the child a lot. I love the mom. Mom is super smart, successful and a considerate person. Her child is completely opposite of her mom.

I have told my child to basically suffer through our outings and that there is some fun. I can offer the most amazing outings, events or even vacations with this mom and daughter and my child would rather stay home and study than hang out with them. My daughter generally gets along with most other children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

Me and my kids have a pact, with code words to deal with people like this. I pretend that they are in big trouble and apologize whatever whatever. But they get to fight fire with fire until I pull the code word. Some of the people are adult family members. But I don’t let my kids get bullied for fear that they’ll get in trouble by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, don’t tell her. Your friendship will not survive this. Your complaints are also general, what can she do to help her child be less “spoiled and annoying”? Even if she wanted to address a certain behavior, it’s hard to change.

If it was something more specific, like child insists on playing dolls when the other child wants to do something else, or doesn’t help clean up, then it’s more specific and can be addressed.

So just say that your child is either busy, or at a friends house or something, or not up to a play date and meet elsewhere.

Kids go through phases, maybe they’ll become friends again, maybe they won’t, but telling her that her child is spoiled and annoying will be the end to your friendship.

My child has had probably hundreds of complains over this girl over the years so it is hard to list all of them. A few examples:

When taking a photo, girl will step on her foot on purpose hard and jab her in the ribs. Then my child will not be smiling in photo.

Whenever we do anything, the child will shove and insist she have the best seat, the better view, the best of anything available. She will snatch the last cookie or sticker or anything that is available.

At any day that we see them, she will insult my child at least ten times per day. I often have to hear a list of all the mean things the girl has said to her that day. Her dress is ugly, her hair is messy, she doesn’t like her headband or bow, etc.

So I agree with the poster who said give examples. The part about having the "best" is whatever, but yes, instead of saying "your child is annoying" you can certainly say that she hurts your child physically and insults her.

[Anonymous]

This is totally on you OP for not standing up for your kid in the moment and not teaching your daughter to do the same.

Why isn’t your daughter saying what is going on loudly so you and your friend can hear each and everyone her foot is stepped on or she is poked in the ribs when a picture is taken or when she is insulted?

[Anonymous]

An aside: the fact that she’s an only child is irrelevant. Please don’t use that as a de facto reason for why she’s spoiled and bratty. Lots of only children are not, and stating that only continues the tired trope of only children being self-centered.

Rant over. This is a tough one. Your child shouldn’t be forced to spend time with someone who is, frankly, abusive to her. The best you can hope for is if you tell your friend, “I don’t think the girls have much in common anymore” she will gracefully accept that.

[Anonymous]

It would be nice to know if we’re talking about 6 yr olds or 16 yr olds. (Yes I know extreme range). But I would counsel my kids differently depending on the age.

I agree with the PP who is wondering why your child has not been standing up for herself. Seems odd to me.


Also stop with the “only children are spoiled and self centered”. Her being an only child has nothing to do with her being unpleasant. The most unpleasant child I’ve dealt with was one of 5–because she was smack in the middle and received virtually no attention, so bad attention was better than none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the kid mean? Violent? Dangerous? Or just annoying?

I will probably get dragged for this, but we all have to get used to being around annoying people in life. Try to plan “hey, let’s do an adult dinner/drinks” more often, but I think occasionally I’d probably have my kid just deal for an hour or two. (Ducks for cover)

NP. As an adult I don't hang out socially with people I don't like, and it's not very nice to force children to do so, either. See the mother apart from the child; if she can't or won't, then the relationship wasn't really particularly strong to begin with.

[Anonymous]

I think you can just say "Larla hasn't been enjoying the playdates recently and it seems like she and Darla have been having a lot of conflicts, but I'd love to get coffee with you on Saturday". That opens the door for her to ask about details but it doesn't force a confrontation if she's not ready for that.