how reduce excess driving of 91-year-old parent?

[Anonymous]

Or convince him to move to a big city. I had my mom move to the DC area in her early-80s from her small town in Indiana and she was too afraid to deal with the narrow streets and traffic and said, “show me how to work this uber thing, who do I call?” 😂 She is 86 now and Ubers everywhere, to play cards with our cousins, to the store, etc.

Her driving made me very nervous, she couldn’t fully concentrate on all the different things you have to pay attention to at the same time. I had all these arguments why she should give up driving when she moved but I didn’t have to use of them.

Long-winded way of saying is there any way you could get him to determine it’s best to give it up? If he decides is, not you, he will adapt faster to the change

[Anonymous]

Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do things for him. Do things with him.

This. Your Dad wants to live a life and not be a prisoner in his house. He also does not want to be a burden on you.
Do the food runs with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You are confusing the independence with the “fun”. Driving a go-kart is fun…driving a car is a means to an end and more of a chore.

PP mentioned Ubers…you have the independence and can go anywhere…Waymo will be even better because you control the music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You are confusing the independence with the “fun”. Driving a go-kart is fun…driving a car is a means to an end and more of a chore.

PP mentioned Ubers…you have the independence and can go anywhere…Waymo will be even better because you control the music.

Some people think driving is fun and love the actual driving part. I'm not talking about driving fast or dangerously, just driving. Being a passenger is completely different from being the driver.

Plus I consider seeing familiar buildings and reminiscing fun. Driving 12 miles to get the meat is an experience. My parent gave up driving and I asked what they missed and it included the actual driving, not just the independence.

That's not to say he should be driving, but don't dismiss the fun of it because you don't think it's fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You are confusing the independence with the “fun”. Driving a go-kart is fun…driving a car is a means to an end and more of a chore.

PP mentioned Ubers…you have the independence and can go anywhere…Waymo will be even better because you control the music.

Some people think driving is fun and love the actual driving part. I'm not talking about driving fast or dangerously, just driving. Being a passenger is completely different from being the driver.

Plus I consider seeing familiar buildings and reminiscing fun. Driving 12 miles to get the meat is an experience. My parent gave up driving and I asked what they missed and it included the actual driving, not just the independence.

That's not to say he should be driving, but don't dismiss the fun of it because you don't think it's fun.

I will add-- do you or would you be willing to drive him wandering around where he wants to go even if it feels aimless or inefficient? I personally love to do this alone but also do this with my parent who gave up driving. Let them decide where to turn, and they may have stories. They may like the long route or the non-interstate.

I'm pretty sure other family members think I'm crazy and wouldn't do it, but it's a way for my parent to get as close as they safely can to something they really enjoy and it's a type of freedom. Plus bonus quality time.

(I don't listen to them saying it's safe to turn because sometimes it's not yet, but I listen to the route.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You are confusing the independence with the “fun”. Driving a go-kart is fun…driving a car is a means to an end and more of a chore.

PP mentioned Ubers…you have the independence and can go anywhere…Waymo will be even better because you control the music.

Some people think driving is fun and love the actual driving part. I'm not talking about driving fast or dangerously, just driving. Being a passenger is completely different from being the driver.

Plus I consider seeing familiar buildings and reminiscing fun. Driving 12 miles to get the meat is an experience. My parent gave up driving and I asked what they missed and it included the actual driving, not just the independence.

That's not to say he should be driving, but don't dismiss the fun of it because you don't think it's fun.

Some…but most don’t. I actually enjoy mowing the lawn, but it’s silly to think most people do.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to you for wanting to do the responsible thing for the safety of your dad - not to mention others on the road. It’s such a difficult situation and with people living longer than ever it’s going to keep coming up - hopefully in the way you are bringing it up and not in the news with elderly drivers crashing into buildings seemingly every week here. I don’t have a solution other than to say you are asking the right questions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

You are confusing the independence with the “fun”. Driving a go-kart is fun…driving a car is a means to an end and more of a chore.

PP mentioned Ubers…you have the independence and can go anywhere…Waymo will be even better because you control the music.

Some people think driving is fun and love the actual driving part. I'm not talking about driving fast or dangerously, just driving. Being a passenger is completely different from being the driver.

Plus I consider seeing familiar buildings and reminiscing fun. Driving 12 miles to get the meat is an experience. My parent gave up driving and I asked what they missed and it included the actual driving, not just the independence.

That's not to say he should be driving, but don't dismiss the fun of it because you don't think it's fun.

Some…but most don’t. I actually enjoy mowing the lawn, but it’s silly to think most people do.

I said "some people" in the first place. OP is calling his Dad's drive to the butcher "excess," which puts OP's value on it, not Dad's. I'd start there and ask him why he wanted to drive there. I'd bet it's not just to get the meat. My point is that I asked my parent and listened about why they didn't like having to give up driving and to the extent I can, I recreate what they miss about driving.

There's a safety issue on one side and a person's very sense of self on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do things for him. Do things with him.

^100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

What about the safety of others on the road? I will never understand why so many people put the ‘fun’ and need for independence of elderly people ahead of the safety of literally everyone else they might come in contact with on the road.

[Anonymous]

He needs to move. Where he can socialize with others. Where he'll have transportation available. This is only going to get worse. He knows seniors. He knows and should have been visiting friends in senior communities. Make is happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Driving is fun and gives a person independence. It's not about you being willing to get things for him. It's about him being able to decide on a whim that he wants something, and going to get it. Or deciding on a nice day he'd like to go for a drive while listening to music, and doing it.

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

What about the safety of others on the road? I will never understand why so many people put the ‘fun’ and need for independence of elderly people ahead of the safety of literally everyone else they might come in contact with on the road.

You're misunderstanding. I'm one of the "fun" posters. We're not saying he can still drive because it's fun. My parent absolutely shouldn't and doesn't drive. I can and do choose to understand how hard that is and specifically why it's hard and try to fill those desires rather than just drop off meat.

Maybe he wants to know how Sam the butcher's grandkids are. Maybe he wants the freedom to think about a steak now and cook it tonight before OP can get it there. And get advice from the butcher on which cut and prep.

My parent likes to see the progress on a building going up and a different road construction project, likes to talk about old friends who used to live here or there, likes to tell me old routes of the roads or what used to be where, likes to pop into a store unplanned just to see what they have, etc. Figure out what driving and independence means to your Dad and help him still do that as much as possible minus him doing the mechanics of driving.

[Anonymous]

Like someone mentioned they recently pulled a man and his car out of a body of water in lorton area. A Herndon man was also found dead after his car abandoned near Roanoke. Both were elderly with known memory impairments: not worth it

[Anonymous]

What convinced my dad to stop driving was when i asked him how he would feel if he caused someone death or injury due to his driving. Thankfully he didn't want to cause others pain.