how reduce excess driving of 91-year-old parent?

[Anonymous]

My father is 91 and still drives. Frequently, he drives about 1 mile through residential streets to visit one of his friends, but something he drives further. Today, he traveled about 12 miles (round trip) to buy some meat from a specialty butcher shop.

I live in the area and do his grocery shopping for him, and have told him that I'm happy to buy anything he needs. There was no need for him to drive to the butcher shop. I could have easily done that sometime in the next couple of days.

Ten years ago, I tried to convince my mother to reduce her driving. She didn't listen, and she ended up crashing her car into a brick wall at age 82, and getting seriously injured. She never regain full health, and died a couple years after the accident.

I'm concerned that history will repeat itself. My father's excessive driving is a constant source of worry for me and my wife. How can we convince him to stop this reckless behavior?

[Anonymous]

Would he be open to having his driving evaluated by a 3rd party? There are services that will do this. But if he won't listen to the outcome, it's likely a pointless exercise.

I got very lucky that my dad stopped driving on his own after an accident that totaled his car, but didn't injure him or anyone else. My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

My aunt took away the keys from her dad when he was about that age, as he would not agree to stop driving and she noticed his slowed reaction time and questionable choices (unsafe) when driving. Left the car in the parking lot. Couldn't go anywhere without the keys. And he couldn't find them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten years ago, I tried to convince my mother to reduce her driving. She didn't listen, and she ended up crashing her car into a brick wall at age 82, and getting seriously injured. She never regain full health, and died a couple years after the accident.

Do you bring this up with your dad?

[Anonymous]

He is doing it for social reasons so you need to offer him another way to see his fri nds.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do things for him. Do things with him.

[Anonymous]

He seems willing to take that risk, so you should probably let him live his life the way he wants unless he's deemed unfit by the state. Or move in with him and drive him around.

[Anonymous]

My state facilitates anonymous reports to the DMV when someone you know is no longer safe to be behind the wheel. Maybe yours does as well?

[Anonymous]

I think you need a 3rd party evaluation. If he is a bad driver, then he needs to be off the roads.

If he is still a good driver, not a lot you can do. And I guarantee taking his keys away when he's still capable will lead to a decline, and you'd lose him through that anyway.

And if he isn't a good driver, then he probably shouldn't be living alone. He needs to be social, and driving supports that.

You aren't getting that he doesn't want you running every little errand. He wants independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need a 3rd party evaluation. If he is a bad driver, then he needs to be off the roads.

If he is still a good driver, not a lot you can do. And I guarantee taking his keys away when he's still capable will lead to a decline, and you'd lose him through that anyway.

And if he isn't a good driver, then he probably shouldn't be living alone. He needs to be social, and driving supports that.

You aren't getting that he doesn't want you running every little errand. He wants independence.

OP here. I don't mind the little trips down quiet residential streets. Visiting his nearby friends seems OK. But driving 12 miles to pick up a piece of meat doesn't make much sense. 12 miles isn't a "little errand". It is a lengthy trip through many major intersections.

[Anonymous]

They just pulled an elderly man and his car out of the Occoquan in Lorton last week. Take your dad’s keys. He’s 91, he has no business driving.

I can’t believe after what happened to your mom that you even need to ask this.

[Anonymous]

I asked for my father's keys. He said no. No problem said my brother, and disconnected the battery

[Anonymous]

Pull the plug on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need a 3rd party evaluation. If he is a bad driver, then he needs to be off the roads.

If he is still a good driver, not a lot you can do. And I guarantee taking his keys away when he's still capable will lead to a decline, and you'd lose him through that anyway.

And if he isn't a good driver, then he probably shouldn't be living alone. He needs to be social, and driving supports that.

You aren't getting that he doesn't want you running every little errand. He wants independence.

OP here. I don't mind the little trips down quiet residential streets. Visiting his nearby friends seems OK. But driving 12 miles to pick up a piece of meat doesn't make much sense. 12 miles isn't a "little errand". It is a lengthy trip through many major intersections.

If he’s not safe to drive, he shouldn’t even be taking short trips down quiet residential streets. If a kid runs in front of him, it might not cause him a major injury, but it would likely kill the child (which I assume would be emotionally devastating to your father). Have him evaluated and then you’ll either be reassured that he is safe to drive where he wants or you’ll have data to persuade/compel him to stop driving for everyone’s safety.

[Anonymous]

I mean, what are you really trying to solve for? I would be worried about him hurting other people. I would not worry about a 91 year old hurting themselves living what they view as their best life.

See if he will agree to be evaluated. If he passes, let it go. If he won’t be evaluated or give up the keys, then you have to decide how devious you want to be.