How do you handle a grumpy spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a break fro you all and all the activities. Why doesn't he ask for it and why don't you offer it to him.
I'd never drag a grump anywhere.

That’s the thing, I HAVE given them a break. I haven’t dragged him anywhere in almost a month. It seems to have made him feel worse and more disconnected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give him a nice meal and let him watch sports on TV or go out with friends. Usually takes the edge off things.

Men don’t do the equivalent of this when women are grumpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give him a nice meal and let him watch sports on TV or go out with friends. Usually takes the edge off things.

Men don’t do the equivalent of this when women are grumpy.

Blanket statements about what men or women do are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him be. We all have off times where everything just gets to us and we are irritable.

You need therapy. I grew up in a verbally abusive home and I know exactly the feeling you're describing. Unfortunately, it can make situations worse and often we are a big part of the problem. I got therapy after a toxic relationship and a friend pointed out that my "walking on eggshells" and "trying to figure out what I was doing wrong" played a big part of the toxic dynamic. When I look at my relationship with DH and our healthy communication and our healthy dynamic, I'm amazed at how far I've come.

Yes I’m starting to recognize this a bit more. Actually DH does the same thing with me as well, and he grew up in an equally abusive household- just more emotionally chaotic.

It takes concerted effort to try and look at things objectively and take off that lens. I had 2 yrs of therapy but did not work on the relationship aspect as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, we’re not robots. None of us are going to be happy all the time. Some crankiness is okay.

But what’s not okay is:

1. Being so grumpy all the time that people walk on eggshells
2. Not making repairs to the relationship afterwards.

Yes, sometimes I get irritated and snap. But it’s only every couple months, and I always apologize afterwards.

Defaulting to verbally expressing your anger and not apologizing afterwards isn’t okay.

I wouldn’t say he’s grumpy all the time. And when I called him out on his grumpiness, he did apologize.

Honestly our kids also have been extra hard this past week. We have a teen and tween, and let me tell you, that handling that age is not for the weak.

So maybe it has something to do with that as well.

It’s just hard to figure out because the frustration ends up getting broadcasted so broadly and in seemingly unrelated ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like these posters telling OP to basically just deal with it. Clearly his behavior is hurting OP, and if it’s made worse because of her childhood family dynamic, that doesn’t make it fine for him to be all brooding and angry.

A man being a “verbally expressive angry guy” feels scary because it often IS. If you feel “very on edge like he’s going to blow up” that’s bad for your health and he should care enough to change the angry/moody behavior. I am sure if it were occasional moodiness like we all have that you wouldn’t be posting about it.

F this guy and I’m so sick of the excuses for men with poor emotional control.

It’s tough to tell because I hear both sides. DH tells me I think he’s yelling and angry when he’s clearly not, it’s just his normal demeanor.

There’s been times when he rants and yells so loud our neighbors outside could hear. But he says that’s just him being expressive, not actually angry.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am curious how you go through life without ever being frustration or irritated or grumpy?

To me, that isn't healthy and is a sign that you are shutting down negative emotions. Maybe due to your childhood. No one is happy all the time.

If you were to ask most kids - does your mom / dad ever get grumpy - the answer would be 99% yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got some feedback on here that I was way too overboard with expectations of doing family things, so we have been just taking it easy and dialing everything back.

OP in my decade + on DCUM, sometimes the feedback people get is dependent on how the original post was framed or the tone set by the posters on the first page of responses. The feedback you got might have been on point, but keep this in mind in case it wasn't. Also, maybe the feedback was on point but you are overboard in your reaction.

[Anonymous]

My take on this as someone who walked on eggshells for a year and then had enough: this dynamic isn’t sustainable. It’s always impossible to tell who’s in the right because we’re only getting your side of the story. But the truth is probably in the middle. You may have had some overly involved expectations around the holidays (which many of us do), and your DH is probably overly grumpy and obstinate. And yes this area is kind of insufferable.

But so what? Unless he’s coming up with a constructive solution to that problem, he doesn’t get to live here and just take it out on everyone around him. Men are given such a wide berth when it comes to their behavior that when you start adjusting yourself on the daily to accommodate them, it rarely works. In fact, I would predict that the more you try to “take off plate“ and shield him from responsibilities, the worse he will get.

In marriages that can be saved, everybody has to come to the middle. You probably have to give him a pass on some of the parts of life that he finds annoying, but he’s gotta suck it the hell up and show up as an adult and a husband and a father. This will require you to have a little bit more of a backbone than it sounds like you are comfortable with from your posts, and have some expectations of him, and hold him to them. Everybody responds to expectations if they are reasonably emotionally healthy. People who just turn off are not salvageable. But we are all like this: kids, adults, etc.

So he might get a pass on skipping your work party, but he can’t glower in the corner when your family comes over for eggnog. He needs to get up, make some conversation, and refill some glasses. This is how you guys survive.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily in this order but:

(1) Label the behavior but not in a critical way, come from a place of caring. Let them know you would like to help if possible and see if they have any thoughts.

(2) Draw boundaries and let them know that, while you care, you will not be sucked into their grumpy vortex.

Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I tend to over analyze when he gets like this. I wonder if it’s something I did wrong.

I also have just kind of decided not to do a lot of things I used to do. Things like doing a family holiday card and portrait. i realized none of that stuff was very important. And everyone just humored me, with a lot of complaining from the kids.

Hosting a holiday gathering. Organizing a bunch of family holiday outings.

I thought he might prefer this, because it was always me that was dragging the family to do this stuff. But now I’m not so sure.

OP, I get this. All you can do is ask if that is the case and if they say no, then that's your answer. Don't question it. If they lied to you, that's on them to correct it.

[Anonymous]

The first or few times they’re grumpy just let it go, give them space and grace. If becomes routine, encourage them to talk to a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I tend to over analyze when he gets like this. I wonder if it’s something I did wrong.

I also have just kind of decided not to do a lot of things I used to do. Things like doing a family holiday card and portrait. i realized none of that stuff was very important. And everyone just humored me, with a lot of complaining from the kids.

Hosting a holiday gathering. Organizing a bunch of family holiday outings.

I thought he might prefer this, because it was always me that was dragging the family to do this stuff. But now I’m not so sure.

You sound like you have some anxiety. I say that kindly, I do as well, so your posts resonate with me.

If he doesn't prefer it, let him step up and do it. Don't try to guess how he feels. Ask him. And then go with whatever he tells you. I have zero patience for people who say one thing but mean another. If you tell me something is ok, I will proceed accordingly. If you come back later and say well it wasn't ok I'm going to say well then next time you should be clearer, that's on you, not me.

I think you're spending way too much time in your head. Give voice to your feelings and stop guessing how people feel about stuff. I asked my kids this year if they cared about some activities because I wasn't feeling like we could do them all. Rather than trying to guess how they'd feel, I asked them. Their answers surprised me, so I'm glad I did. Now the whole family (I discussed with my husband first before talking to the kids, obviously) is aligned with our streamlined priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him be. We all have off times where everything just gets to us and we are irritable.

You need therapy. I grew up in a verbally abusive home and I know exactly the feeling you're describing. Unfortunately, it can make situations worse and often we are a big part of the problem. I got therapy after a toxic relationship and a friend pointed out that my "walking on eggshells" and "trying to figure out what I was doing wrong" played a big part of the toxic dynamic. When I look at my relationship with DH and our healthy communication and our healthy dynamic, I'm amazed at how far I've come.

+1000

I can make some guesses about what your childhood was like (there's not one right answer, but there are a few that would lead to an adult acting like this). You really need to talk to someone about this because you're giving too much agency to certain things, to your own detriment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs a break fro you all and all the activities. Why doesn't he ask for it and why don't you offer it to him.
I'd never drag a grump anywhere.

That’s the thing, I HAVE given them a break. I haven’t dragged him anywhere in almost a month. It seems to have made him feel worse and more disconnected.

Then that's on him. He's a grown man. You are not his mother. I am not trying to be mean, you sound like a good person, but you're letting him affect you too much (and I get it, he's your husband, of course his mood will affect you). Try to find some distance and perspective and do what YOU need to do.