How do you handle a grumpy spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like these posters telling OP to basically just deal with it. Clearly his behavior is hurting OP, and if it’s made worse because of her childhood family dynamic, that doesn’t make it fine for him to be all brooding and angry.

A man being a “verbally expressive angry guy” feels scary because it often IS. If you feel “very on edge like he’s going to blow up” that’s bad for your health and he should care enough to change the angry/moody behavior. I am sure if it were occasional moodiness like we all have that you wouldn’t be posting about it.

F this guy and I’m so sick of the excuses for men with poor emotional control.

It’s tough to tell because I hear both sides. DH tells me I think he’s yelling and angry when he’s clearly not, it’s just his normal demeanor.

There’s been times when he rants and yells so loud our neighbors outside could hear. But he says that’s just him being expressive, not actually angry.

You’re describing possible gaslighting and emotional abuse. You do not deserve this.

[Anonymous]

“Op again. I tend to over analyze when he gets like this. I wonder if it’s something I did wrong.”

This is because you have complex PTSD because of your childhood trauma. And, it takes a lot of work and therapy to address it well. But that’s all you can do, because you married your angry parent and you can’t change or control him. You can give him ultimatums about his behavior and set boundaries, but this is easier to do with a therapist to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give him a nice meal and let him watch sports on TV or go out with friends. Usually takes the edge off things.

Men don’t do the equivalent of this when women are grumpy.

Yeah we do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, we’re not robots. None of us are going to be happy all the time. Some crankiness is okay.

But what’s not okay is:

1. Being so grumpy all the time that people walk on eggshells
2. Not making repairs to the relationship afterwards.

Yes, sometimes I get irritated and snap. But it’s only every couple months, and I always apologize afterwards.

Defaulting to verbally expressing your anger and not apologizing afterwards isn’t okay.

I wouldn’t say he’s grumpy all the time. And when I called him out on his grumpiness, he did apologize.

Honestly our kids also have been extra hard this past week. We have a teen and tween, and let me tell you, that handling that age is not for the weak.

So maybe it has something to do with that as well.

It’s just hard to figure out because the frustration ends up getting broadcasted so broadly and in seemingly unrelated ways.

I feel like we all get grumpy once in a while as long as it’s not him getting grumpy all the time and you walking on eggshells it’s OK to give him a break and expect the same from him in return when you’re having a bad day, but if it’s a regular occurrence, then that’s a big problem and no way to live your life. See a therapist on how to set firm boundaries and if that doesn’t work, good luck, you probably have to get a divorce to get away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I’m rereading my post and I realize I sound exactly like my mom. I tend to make up a hundred reasons why he might be mad at me for something.

It probably has nothing to do with me.

THIS. Stop bending over backwards tying yourself in a knot to figure out his feelings. He's an adult. He should use his words if he is upset with you.

Continue to be kind and thoughtful but give his pissy mood no more thought. Maybe ask once - "everything OK? You seem a little off today" - if he chooses to say all is fine - take that at face value. If he opens up - wow, take it from there.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ignore them.
Emotionally detach
Hang out with friends and normal people more
Gray divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore them.
Emotionally detach
Hang out with friends and normal people more
Gray divorce

+1000

[Anonymous]

Congrats, you married your father, turned into your mother, and are perpetuating this cycle of dysfunction to your children.

I’m not sure what to tell you because people don’t change (very rare) and you are unwilling to divorce over this.

The best advice is probably to grey rock, ignore, spend time with kids and friends outside of the home. I would probably start laughing at him or teasing him, and I have seen this tactic employed successfully in one high earning household. But the DH in this was more of a traditional cantankerous group, and not a mean explosive bully. Be careful you don’t want to end up dead or injured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats, you married your father, turned into your mother, and are perpetuating this cycle of dysfunction to your children.

I’m not sure what to tell you because people don’t change (very rare) and you are unwilling to divorce over this.

The best advice is probably to grey rock, ignore, spend time with kids and friends outside of the home. I would probably start laughing at him or teasing him, and I have seen this tactic employed successfully in one high earning household. But the DH in this was more of a traditional cantankerous group, and not a mean explosive bully. Be careful you don’t want to end up dead or injured.

Ah yes, the doormat’s final form.

[Anonymous]

First off, the problem with finding “normal people” isn’t about where you live, it’s about him. You can find good community anywhere if you look for it.

Secondly, when someone is grumpy they have to be mature and adult enough to communicate to their spouse that they are feeling some type of way and that it isn’t directed at the spouse or because of the spouse. Heck, even just send a text while ur taking a dump if you’re too grumpy to speak.

Third, if this is a very common thing it seems like it is more likely a mental health issue than just grumpiness.

[Anonymous]

Mt ex-gf is like this and she would flip on very little things. Communicating or not, I shouldn't be the punching bag for her behavior and yes, she was definitely having some issues medically.

[Anonymous]

Give her good sex. My wife is grumpy a lot, but sex instantly put her in a better mood.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to grow up. Maybe take Prozac.

Or just ignore him and go be busy and your best self.