How do you handle a grumpy spouse?

[Anonymous]

DH seems extra irritable and grumpy this weekend. I tend to be sensitive to such things. What’s normal- how should I react? If at all? Something I can do to help? Ride it out and steer clear? I did call it out and note that he seems very irritable.
Just very negative, and hating life, hating where we live, fed up with everyone who lives here. Feeling like he doesn’t belong or fit in anywhere. Annoyed with the kids. I think he is annoyed with me.

I will note that it makes me feel very on edge like he’s going to blow up. Part of that is that he tends to be a verbally expressive angry guy at times, and part of that is because I grew up in an abusive household so I’m a little too keyed in to people’s moods.

Would really appreciate an outside objective perspective on how to approach….

I’ll also say I’ve been trying to put less pressure on him to do things. I got some feedback on here that I was way too overboard with expectations of doing family things, so we have been just taking it easy and dialing everything back. Lots of time just hanging out and chilling with each other at home instead of doing things.

[Anonymous]

Just chill and let him be.

[Anonymous]

Op again. I tend to over analyze when he gets like this. I wonder if it’s something I did wrong.

I also have just kind of decided not to do a lot of things I used to do. Things like doing a family holiday card and portrait. i realized none of that stuff was very important. And everyone just humored me, with a lot of complaining from the kids.

Hosting a holiday gathering. Organizing a bunch of family holiday outings.

I thought he might prefer this, because it was always me that was dragging the family to do this stuff. But now I’m not so sure.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I’m rereading my post and I realize I sound exactly like my mom. I tend to make up a hundred reasons why he might be mad at me for something.

It probably has nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chill and let him be.

Probably right

[Anonymous]

Let him be. We all have off times where everything just gets to us and we are irritable.

You need therapy. I grew up in a verbally abusive home and I know exactly the feeling you're describing. Unfortunately, it can make situations worse and often we are a big part of the problem. I got therapy after a toxic relationship and a friend pointed out that my "walking on eggshells" and "trying to figure out what I was doing wrong" played a big part of the toxic dynamic. When I look at my relationship with DH and our healthy communication and our healthy dynamic, I'm amazed at how far I've come.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like these posters telling OP to basically just deal with it. Clearly his behavior is hurting OP, and if it’s made worse because of her childhood family dynamic, that doesn’t make it fine for him to be all brooding and angry.

A man being a “verbally expressive angry guy” feels scary because it often IS. If you feel “very on edge like he’s going to blow up” that’s bad for your health and he should care enough to change the angry/moody behavior. I am sure if it were occasional moodiness like we all have that you wouldn’t be posting about it.

F this guy and I’m so sick of the excuses for men with poor emotional control.

[Anonymous]

I give time and space. If you push and run after him about "did I do something wrong?" then he will ultimately blame you, creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy. So just give a lot of space and a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

I give him a nice meal and let him watch sports on TV or go out with friends. Usually takes the edge off things.

[Anonymous]

Look, we’re not robots. None of us are going to be happy all the time. Some crankiness is okay.

But what’s not okay is:

1. Being so grumpy all the time that people walk on eggshells
2. Not making repairs to the relationship afterwards.

Yes, sometimes I get irritated and snap. But it’s only every couple months, and I always apologize afterwards.

Defaulting to verbally expressing your anger and not apologizing afterwards isn’t okay.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds immature and unable to regulate his emotions.

You’re adjusting & over compensating as a result

Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, we’re not robots. None of us are going to be happy all the time. Some crankiness is okay.

But what’s not okay is:

1. Being so grumpy all the time that people walk on eggshells
2. Not making repairs to the relationship afterwards.

Yes, sometimes I get irritated and snap. But it’s only every couple months, and I always apologize afterwards.

Defaulting to verbally expressing your anger and not apologizing afterwards isn’t okay.

This! Dh and I are generally upbeat and can lean on each other in times when things are hard. Every so often one of us is extra grumpy. I take it harder than he does when the other one is grumpy but that’s that. We always reflect after and apologize if it seemed totally unwarranted.

Communication is so so key to a good relationship. Give each other space when needed but don’t just brush things under the rug.

[Anonymous]

He needs a break fro you all and all the activities. Why doesn't he ask for it and why don't you offer it to him.
I'd never drag a grump anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Can you guys move? Living here really does suck unless you’re independently wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you guys move? Living here really does suck unless you’re independently wealthy.

He openly admits that he’d probably feel the same anywhere. He has made no friends where we live. He only likes one family, who he met through me. He tolerates another family, which he also met through me. And everyone else he can’t stand. He’s also made zero effort to connect with anyone else here. And we’ve been living here for 15 years. He says everyone is out of touch, insufferable, and entitled. There’s no “normal” people.

I do think there’s a lot of that where we live but there’s also good decent normal people.