Parents who drink heavily vs Non-drinkers and their expectations for their kids

[Anonymous]

Children of alcoholics are psychotic about teen drinking or any drinking for that matter.

There are people who don't drink either culturally or religiously or for health that know it is a normal part of teen behavior but are quite strict but don't freak out and they might counsel or ground but not in a way that is so overt that kids rebel.

There are people who drink regularly (i'm sure this is what you are talking about) but are not alcoholics who know it's part of normal teen behavior and give them tools to be safe like Uber or a place to drink safely and while they don't encourage it, they are not punishing drinking.

Then there are insane parents who drink with teens.

Then there are true alcoholics, and their kids might never touch the stuff due to what they lived with or maybe they drink with their insane parents.

[Anonymous]

I agree.

I was initially shocked when one of my very good friends shared that she had hosted an alcohol-fueled teen party, helped her daughter buy liquor and she had turned a blind eye to her fake ID, because she and her husband had behaved that way as teens...

The point being that this person thought her teen would do things behind her back anyway, so might as well keep a close eye on her and keep things at her own house. Apparently both parents checked on kids and made sure no one drove home drunk.

My husband and I do not drink, except the odd half-glass at Christmas or something; our parents and my teens and young adults are like us. So we have not had to make such decisions. I am not on board with what my friend did, but I understand the fear of having one's kid get into trouble far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who start these threads: is this just an excuse for teetotalers to feel smug and sanctimonious? Agree or disagree?

They are children of alcoholics and they have an unhealthy relationship with any alcohol at all and thing 1 drop of alcohol could be catastrophic so why take a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut way back on my drinking as my kid got older (now 13) because he is up later so there is no wine-after-bedtime slot. And also because it’s one thing to drink around a kid who doesn’t really notice, and another thing to drink around a teen. I don’t want to be a bad example. So all the liquor is gone and no beer in fridge now.

This is how I feel. Starting in mid elementary school the kids whose parents drank regularly in front of them, none of whom seemed like alcoholics, were constantly talking about drinking in ways that I disliked. I wasn't much of a drinker but I stopped having beers with neighbors when I noticed it because it seemed like that kind of drinking was having an unhealthy effect on kids I knew. Obviously you still need to address teen drinking, but I think it's easier to do that if it's just not a fact of life in your house.

[Anonymous]

I do not drink alcohol and my teens do not, either. My expectations and standards (obeying the law) are clear, as are my reasons for not drinking. In our discussions, I allow for the likelihood that they will opt to drink sooner or later. I have explained how to do so responsibly. Fortunately, their friends' parents are like minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for those who start these threads: is this just an excuse for teetotalers to feel smug and sanctimonious? Agree or disagree?

They are children of alcoholics and they have an unhealthy relationship with any alcohol at all and thing 1 drop of alcohol could be catastrophic so why take a chance.

Why should one have a relationship with alcohol? That was a weird thing to write, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children of alcoholics are psychotic about teen drinking or any drinking for that matter.

There are people who don't drink either culturally or religiously or for health that know it is a normal part of teen behavior but are quite strict but don't freak out and they might counsel or ground but not in a way that is so overt that kids rebel.

There are people who drink regularly (i'm sure this is what you are talking about) but are not alcoholics who know it's part of normal teen behavior and give them tools to be safe like Uber or a place to drink safely and while they don't encourage it, they are not punishing drinking.

Then there are insane parents who drink with teens.

Then there are true alcoholics, and their kids might never touch the stuff due to what they lived with or maybe they drink with their insane parents.

Way to victim blame! Children of alcoholics who want to break the family curse of alcoholism do not drink and they teach their kids the dangers of alcohol use in their family.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy a cocktail but don't think my kid should be drinking underage. I have paid my dues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think your drinking determines your comfort level with your teen's drinking? It seems that the daily drinkers are way more comfortable/normalize drinking in teens than those who rarely/don't drink? Agree or disagree?

100%

Some of these supposedly UMC well-educated posters have parenting skills straight out of the ghetto when it comes to substances and s3x. And so smug about it!

20 years later these will be the same people complaining that their adult son lives in the basement getting high all day and their adult daughter is scandalizing the neighborhood by boinking the neighbor. I know someone like this and she never blames her lax parenting when her kids were teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are still young, and I don't think I'm a heavy drinker, though I was a heavier drinker pre-kids. I probably average 1-2 drinks every other week now, always socially.

I do "normalize drinking" with my kids, because having a drink or two with friends at a social occasion is a normal thing to do and can be part of a healthy lifestyle. I think demonstrating what healthy drinking looks like is valuable for kids.

I also think it's fine for older teens (16+) to have one small drink with a parent in their home during a family social event. My parents would let me have a small glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion sometimes starting around that age. I also think once kids are over 18 and away at college, if they are not driving, I have no problem with them going to a party and having a beer or two. I think a black and white all-drinking-before-21-is-bad attitude just encourages binge drinking. I also think as my kids get older, we'll talk about the multitude of risks that come along with over-imbibing.

I would not be okay with my high schooler drinking at a party, I would not be okay with my college kid getting wasted, I would never provide alcohol to my children or their friends for a party, I would never allow a party for teenagers with drinking at my home.

I don't know where that puts me in your spectrum, but that's one data point for you. And I don't think it's a rare one.

This is our approach as well. My kid is not that age yet but we'll let her have a half glass of wine or beer with dinner at home, or a small glass of champagne or similar at an event like a wedding, in high school. We also do a decent amount of international travel and in places where it's normal for kids 16+ to drink, we will allow it. I don't alcohol to be a mysterious thing or something she can't wait to get to try. And yes, all along talking about the responsibility associated with alcohol, the risks (not just physical but also social) of drinking too much, and the moral and legal consequences of drinking and driving.

I'm not a big drinker at all, somewhere in the vicinity of 2-3 drinks a month, usually with a nice meal or at a party. My spouse does drink more akin to daily, but it's usually just a beer with dinner and that's it. Our kid has never seen either of us drunk, though she's seen us drink plenty of times. When I was younger (pre-kid) I drank to excess a lot and drank to be social and it wasn't great. I would like to provide more guidance.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a daily drink.

I very rarely drink (I just thought about it, and I've had 3 drinks in the last 12 months).

We have the same expectations for our high school and college age children about drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think your drinking determines your comfort level with your teen's drinking? It seems that the daily drinkers are way more comfortable/normalize drinking in teens than those who rarely/don't drink? Agree or disagree?

100%

Some of these supposedly UMC well-educated posters have parenting skills straight out of the ghetto when it comes to substances and s3x. And so smug about it!

20 years later these will be the same people complaining that their adult son lives in the basement getting high all day and their adult daughter is scandalizing the neighborhood by boinking the neighbor. I know someone like this and she never blames her lax parenting when her kids were teens.

You can just write the word sex.

[Anonymous]

So just so everyone is clear:

Recent studies have shown that there is no amount of alcohol that is safe, in terms of risks of heart disease, dementia and cancer later on in life.

I have no problems with social drinking in moderation, and giving sips to kids so they can taste alcohol, but please don't lie to yourself or anyone else that this is part of a "healthy lifestyle". It's just not. However, what I do acknowledge is the cultural and historical weight of alcohol in practically all ethnicities around the world. Alcohol production in human civilization predates the first days of agriculture! We have a long weaning period ahead of us.

So we just need to be honest with ourselves: previous generations had to deal with a lot more risks to life and limb than what regular drinking could lead to. Nowadays, we have the knowledge and means to avoid a lot of toxins. We should avoid them. But alcohol is culturally difficult to get rid of in most societies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much judgment here! "Daily" drinkers being equated with "heavy" drinkers and also neglectful parenting. Avoiding alcohol entirely does not make you a better parent. Also this is the second post I've seen recently casting judgment on parents who are "social" and drink. Someone seems a little anxious....

Do you have teenagers? Do you drive them around later at night or wait up for them to be a ride in case they need it even if you weren't planning to drive? How does that work after your daily drink that is not heavy drinking?

DP. Tonight I will drink a glass of wine around 5:30 or 6 probably, eat a full dinner, and then go pick up my kid around 10. It’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut way back on my drinking as my kid got older (now 13) because he is up later so there is no wine-after-bedtime slot. And also because it’s one thing to drink around a kid who doesn’t really notice, and another thing to drink around a teen. I don’t want to be a bad example. So all the liquor is gone and no beer in fridge now.

As a child of alcoholics, I took the stance of role modeling "healthy, social" drinking. If I had chosen not to be a drinker at all, I think that's ok too, they would know why. I do not want to be sneaky. I am a full grown adult who likes a glass of wine and I have no problem with my kids seeing that and normalizing that vs. truly heavy daily drinking. My kids also know I didn't drink in HS or college, and we have important conversations about drinking behavior, peer pressure, "you don't have to drink to have fun", etc.

My kids have seen my husband and me discuss who's having a second drink and who's driving home at many dinners out. It was important to me to model that behavior.