Help with freshman mood swings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her nobody wants to hang out with a whiner and to fake being confident. You need mental help. The amount this is stressing you is out of proportion to what is going on.

I don't need mental help. There is other backstory I'm omitting. And no, I'm not going further b/c it's potentially identifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is a freshman athlete. Kid is def an older soul and is not your typical drinking/partying/silly 18 year old (that is not a judgment; I was like that). Also a bit more introverted. Kid also has social anxiety and likely mild adhd.

HS was fine but, again, kid not into football games, dances, etc. Was very excited for college. But, so far it's been a mixed bag. Kid has lots of friends on the floor (when we were there, lots of kids coming to talk and give hugs), grades are fantastic but kid is def overwhelmed and homesick.

Now to my inquiry: Every other day (ish) we get calls that are "things are great" to "no one likes me" and crying. This week, kid was not explicitly asked to go to grab fast food after practice and the other kids in her year went. BUT it was a situation where they were asked where are they going, they said XXX restaurant and some were eating/some weren't. To me- you say, cool, ok if I meet you there? or something like that. But child says "they don't want hang out with me." When we talk, kid gets SUPER irrational and there is no reasoning with them. Kid REALLY want teammates to be besties but I don't know that is realistic or even typical.

Kid's on meds and attends therapy and while it seems to work sometimes, many times kid is not using coping mechanisms. Also, imo, not being assertive and is sometimes a wallflower. I'm at my wit's end b/c this makes me super anxious and upset, which I try not to show. And I don't want kid to sabotage things or to continue to see slights where there weren't any. And if they are being slighted, how to approach?

Any ideas? Also, I am obv not in therapy sessions. Is it permissible or a good idea to email the therapist to tell what I'm seeing? I don't know the rules there.

Please be kind. My spouse and I are very anxious and upset about all this.

Your daughter is 18 years old and hormonal. We were all like this, OP. And it sounds like you're projecting your own anxiety onto the situation.

Let her grow up. None of this is fatal. It's part of life.

And stop trying to hide the fact that it's your daughter and not your son. We all know.

[Anonymous]

I get it but I think she’s just dumping on you as a cathartic thing without regard to how it affects you. My brother does this to my mom. My brother is in his forties snd perfectly competent but it’s been the same for decades. Hr complains until my mom gives him tons of sympathy or gets upset and that makes him feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is a freshman athlete. Kid is def an older soul and is not your typical drinking/partying/silly 18 year old (that is not a judgment; I was like that). Also a bit more introverted. Kid also has social anxiety and likely mild adhd.

HS was fine but, again, kid not into football games, dances, etc. Was very excited for college. But, so far it's been a mixed bag. Kid has lots of friends on the floor (when we were there, lots of kids coming to talk and give hugs), grades are fantastic but kid is def overwhelmed and homesick.

Now to my inquiry: Every other day (ish) we get calls that are "things are great" to "no one likes me" and crying. This week, kid was not explicitly asked to go to grab fast food after practice and the other kids in her year went. BUT it was a situation where they were asked where are they going, they said XXX restaurant and some were eating/some weren't. To me- you say, cool, ok if I meet you there? or something like that. But child says "they don't want hang out with me." When we talk, kid gets SUPER irrational and there is no reasoning with them. Kid REALLY want teammates to be besties but I don't know that is realistic or even typical.

Kid's on meds and attends therapy and while it seems to work sometimes, many times kid is not using coping mechanisms. Also, imo, not being assertive and is sometimes a wallflower. I'm at my wit's end b/c this makes me super anxious and upset, which I try not to show. And I don't want kid to sabotage things or to continue to see slights where there weren't any. And if they are being slighted, how to approach?

Any ideas? Also, I am obv not in therapy sessions. Is it permissible or a good idea to email the therapist to tell what I'm seeing? I don't know the rules there.

Please be kind. My spouse and I are very anxious and upset about all this.

Your daughter is 18 years old and hormonal. We were all like this, OP. And it sounds like you're projecting your own anxiety onto the situation.

Let her grow up. None of this is fatal. It's part of life.

And stop trying to hide the fact that it's your daughter and not your son. We all know.

OP. You all cannot help but be nasty can you (And this is directed at several posters)? Oh well. I'm not here for this so bye. Flame away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is a freshman athlete. Kid is def an older soul and is not your typical drinking/partying/silly 18 year old (that is not a judgment; I was like that). Also a bit more introverted. Kid also has social anxiety and likely mild adhd.

HS was fine but, again, kid not into football games, dances, etc. Was very excited for college. But, so far it's been a mixed bag. Kid has lots of friends on the floor (when we were there, lots of kids coming to talk and give hugs), grades are fantastic but kid is def overwhelmed and homesick.

Now to my inquiry: Every other day (ish) we get calls that are "things are great" to "no one likes me" and crying. This week, kid was not explicitly asked to go to grab fast food after practice and the other kids in her year went. BUT it was a situation where they were asked where are they going, they said XXX restaurant and some were eating/some weren't. To me- you say, cool, ok if I meet you there? or something like that. But child says "they don't want hang out with me." When we talk, kid gets SUPER irrational and there is no reasoning with them. Kid REALLY want teammates to be besties but I don't know that is realistic or even typical.

Kid's on meds and attends therapy and while it seems to work sometimes, many times kid is not using coping mechanisms. Also, imo, not being assertive and is sometimes a wallflower. I'm at my wit's end b/c this makes me super anxious and upset, which I try not to show. And I don't want kid to sabotage things or to continue to see slights where there weren't any. And if they are being slighted, how to approach?

Any ideas? Also, I am obv not in therapy sessions. Is it permissible or a good idea to email the therapist to tell what I'm seeing? I don't know the rules there.

Please be kind. My spouse and I are very anxious and upset about all this.

Your daughter is 18 years old and hormonal. We were all like this, OP. And it sounds like you're projecting your own anxiety onto the situation.

Let her grow up. None of this is fatal. It's part of life.

And stop trying to hide the fact that it's your daughter and not your son. We all know.

OP. You all cannot help but be nasty can you (And this is directed at several posters)? Oh well. I'm not here for this so bye. Flame away.

If it is that bad then she should come home for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t need to talk to the therapist. I would tell her she’s doing great and sometimes things like that happen and don’t take it personally.

The most important thing you can do is work on regulating your own emotions and not being codependent or enmeshed in hers.

I'm not codependent or enmeshed. I'm trying to determine if there is anything I can do to help. We want our kid to be happy and it's extremely difficult when they are not. I know I need to regulate myself but that is beyond the scope of my question.

I've already done as you suggest in the first part of your post. But, it's honestly exhausting.

I echo the PP. we cannot take on our kid’s anxieties. It will break you down. I would work on having some emotional boundaries. Encourage them to write in a journal or see an on-campus counselor. Be a little more optimistic: I’m sure it will be okay!

It does not matter if they’re friends with their teammates. That’s irrelevant. But they should be making other friends and so I’d encourage it. But don’t be a doormat where they unload all their emotional trauma on you. That is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Also is this hormonal anxiety or all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is a freshman athlete. Kid is def an older soul and is not your typical drinking/partying/silly 18 year old (that is not a judgment; I was like that). Also a bit more introverted. Kid also has social anxiety and likely mild adhd.

HS was fine but, again, kid not into football games, dances, etc. Was very excited for college. But, so far it's been a mixed bag. Kid has lots of friends on the floor (when we were there, lots of kids coming to talk and give hugs), grades are fantastic but kid is def overwhelmed and homesick.

Now to my inquiry: Every other day (ish) we get calls that are "things are great" to "no one likes me" and crying. This week, kid was not explicitly asked to go to grab fast food after practice and the other kids in her year went. BUT it was a situation where they were asked where are they going, they said XXX restaurant and some were eating/some weren't. To me- you say, cool, ok if I meet you there? or something like that. But child says "they don't want hang out with me." When we talk, kid gets SUPER irrational and there is no reasoning with them. Kid REALLY want teammates to be besties but I don't know that is realistic or even typical.

Kid's on meds and attends therapy and while it seems to work sometimes, many times kid is not using coping mechanisms. Also, imo, not being assertive and is sometimes a wallflower. I'm at my wit's end b/c this makes me super anxious and upset, which I try not to show. And I don't want kid to sabotage things or to continue to see slights where there weren't any. And if they are being slighted, how to approach?

Any ideas? Also, I am obv not in therapy sessions. Is it permissible or a good idea to email the therapist to tell what I'm seeing? I don't know the rules there.

Please be kind. My spouse and I are very anxious and upset about all this.

Your daughter is 18 years old and hormonal. We were all like this, OP. And it sounds like you're projecting your own anxiety onto the situation.

Let her grow up. None of this is fatal. It's part of life.

And stop trying to hide the fact that it's your daughter and not your son. We all know.

OP. You all cannot help but be nasty can you (And this is directed at several posters)? Oh well. I'm not here for this so bye. Flame away.

We're trying to wake you up. You've got a child on meds and in therapy, and yet you talk about how this is so anxiety producing for YOU.

It's not about you OP.

Your daughter is an adult now. Let her grow up, make her own mistakes and live her life. You can't fix this for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad, I feel for you, it's soooo hard! We want them to be happy 100% of the time.

One thing to keep in mind: emotionally, you are probably bearing more of this burden than your child is. I recall reading somewhere that when kids call to dump on parents, they are dropping their emotional load onto you and then moving on...and we are left to fester and worry. So in other words, it likely sounds worse than it is.

Please think about how ridiculous this statement (bolded) sounds.

You want your child to be "happy" 100% of the time? Not only is that impossible, but it's an unhelpful expectation of them, unless you plan to drug them into a stupor.

I hope my kids are resilient, kind, hard-working, focused, humble, helpful and any number of things other than "happy 100% of the time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t need to talk to the therapist. I would tell her she’s doing great and sometimes things like that happen and don’t take it personally.

The most important thing you can do is work on regulating your own emotions and not being codependent or enmeshed in hers.

I'm not codependent or enmeshed. I'm trying to determine if there is anything I can do to help. We want our kid to be happy and it's extremely difficult when they are not. I know I need to regulate myself but that is beyond the scope of my question.

I've already done as you suggest in the first part of your post. But, it's honestly exhausting.

I've been there. It's definitely exhausting!

The key is to remember it's completely normal for kids to feel both happy and unhappy in the same week. Or in the same day. Same for us parents.

Sometimes they feel on top of the world, like they're in the mix of things and exactly where they want to be. And sometimes they feel like the only one who is lonely, worried, stressed, sad, disappointed etc. Same for us as adults.

My guess is you're mostly hearing from her during her highs and lows - the peaks and valleys of what is a normal roller coaster of feelings in this situation. You're not hearing about all the times she's just hanging out in the middle, doing fine.

As parents, our job is to ride the waves alongside them, without taking on their feelings. Again, I know how HARD this is. I myself flip flop between worrying about my DC and feeling like they're doing fine - my feelings on it ebb and flow, often within the same day. It's normal. The key is to recognize the normalcy and just ride the waves.

Finally, though your DD's lows sound stressful for everyone, remember two things: (1) she has a therapist to help her learn not to overreact to or catastrophize about the low feelings (something we could all use help with from time to time); and (2) she hasn't gotten completely stuck in the low feelings - she's had times when she's been able to feel the happy feelings, too. So that's great!

Hang in there and trust that this is a completely normal part of freshman year. Many (!) kids experience mood swings like this. Some express them to their parents, friends, therapist etc., while some swallow them and keep them to themselves. Either way, part of young adulthood is learning that all feelings are ok - temporary unhappiness (loneliness, sadness, anxiety/worry, frustration etc.) is not a sign that something is "wrong". They're a normal and ok part of life, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will probably sound dumb, but I have encouraged DC to give those unhelpful patterns of thought a name, and to think of them as characters who are *trying* to help but who have only a single tool in their tool kit that in most cases aren’t useful.

“No one likes me” could be named, say, Wally (yes, I know it’s dumb — but I’m telling you it helps). Wally isn’t a bad guy; in fact he’s doing his best to protect DC from getting very hurt later — after all, no one wants to be in a position where they find out too late that their friends don’t like them. The problem is, Wally only knows how to say this one thing. So he’s going to say it every single time, no matter what.

And you can’t actually keep someone like Wally from showing up. He’s like a terrible neighbor who just keeps walking into your kitchen. All you can do is recognize when he HAS showed up and that the voice you’re hearing is his, not reality.

Yeah, it’s silly. But it has helped loosen the grip that DC’s worst thoughts have. Those thoughts aren’t reality. They aren’t even her. And they aren’t “bad” — they’re actually coming from a place of protection. They’re just unhelpful and can be recognized for what they are.

I think this is a really good strategy to help with metacognition. We all should dive into our thought patterns and analyze which ones do, and don’t, serve us.

[Anonymous]

Author and speaker Lisa Damour is so good on this topic (and many others, too!)

"Dr. Lisa says that we – and our teenagers – can gain much by asking if the strong emotion a teen may be feeling is uncomfortable or unmanageable. If it's uncomfortable, learning to sit with that is part of the process of healthy emotional maturation."

Also, this podcast episode, which focuses specifically on homesickness but addresses the more general skill of not overreacting to normal fluctuations in our kids' feelings:

https://drlisadamour.com/resource/homesick-at-college-what-parents-can-do/

[Anonymous]

My child has had a similar experience. The first question to ask is if DC is getting enough sleep. It sounds simple, but sleep hygiene goes off the rails for many young freshmen, and for some kids that has a bigger impact. If nervous exhaustion is part of DC's overwhelm, make a calculated choice to dial something back. The next thing to pick apart is whether or not the social issue is mainly with DC's athletic teammates. It sounds like your DC has other supportive social contacts, so perhaps encourage focusing on those if DC doesn't sync with their team. Athletics is hard because often kids will have little in common except their sport, yet they are put into proximity for a large amount of time. Loneliness in a group can be the result. Ask your DC if they still feel fulfilled by their sport for its own sake, and if they can see a time when it takes a backseat to other interests in their life. Even if they aren't ready to move on to new pursuits, seeding the idea that their athletic experience isn't defining might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her nobody wants to hang out with a whiner and to fake being confident. You need mental help. The amount this is stressing you is out of proportion to what is going on.

I don't need mental help. There is other backstory I'm omitting. And no, I'm not going further b/c it's potentially identifying.

Ok. I understand!

If your DD has had extreme issues with this - as in a real breakdown or crisis - in the past, you might want to ask her to evaluate where she is (how she's feeling) now vs. where she was (how she was feeling) then.

For example, "I don't want to upset you - I'm just trying to get a sense of what's going on. Remember when X happened? If that was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, what number would you give to what you're experiencing right now?"

Then follow up by getting her to talk about what her next step will be.

If she's low on the 1-10 scale, encourage her to come up with two ways she can ride the wave/cope or distract herself in a healthy way until the feelings pass etc.

If she's high on the 1-10 scale, focus on one way she can access immediate help.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of good strategies here, but honestly, the best thing the OP can do is to stop letting her kid’s anxieties affect her own emotions. If she can’t think straight, it’s not helping her kid.