Help with freshman mood swings.

[Anonymous]

My child is a freshman athlete. Kid is def an older soul and is not your typical drinking/partying/silly 18 year old (that is not a judgment; I was like that). Also a bit more introverted. Kid also has social anxiety and likely mild adhd.

HS was fine but, again, kid not into football games, dances, etc. Was very excited for college. But, so far it's been a mixed bag. Kid has lots of friends on the floor (when we were there, lots of kids coming to talk and give hugs), grades are fantastic but kid is def overwhelmed and homesick.

Now to my inquiry: Every other day (ish) we get calls that are "things are great" to "no one likes me" and crying. This week, kid was not explicitly asked to go to grab fast food after practice and the other kids in her year went. BUT it was a situation where they were asked where are they going, they said XXX restaurant and some were eating/some weren't. To me- you say, cool, ok if I meet you there? or something like that. But child says "they don't want hang out with me." When we talk, kid gets SUPER irrational and there is no reasoning with them. Kid REALLY want teammates to be besties but I don't know that is realistic or even typical.

Kid's on meds and attends therapy and while it seems to work sometimes, many times kid is not using coping mechanisms. Also, imo, not being assertive and is sometimes a wallflower. I'm at my wit's end b/c this makes me super anxious and upset, which I try not to show. And I don't want kid to sabotage things or to continue to see slights where there weren't any. And if they are being slighted, how to approach?

Any ideas? Also, I am obv not in therapy sessions. Is it permissible or a good idea to email the therapist to tell what I'm seeing? I don't know the rules there.

Please be kind. My spouse and I are very anxious and upset about all this.

[Anonymous]

No, you don’t need to talk to the therapist. I would tell her she’s doing great and sometimes things like that happen and don’t take it personally.

The most important thing you can do is work on regulating your own emotions and not being codependent or enmeshed in hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t need to talk to the therapist. I would tell her she’s doing great and sometimes things like that happen and don’t take it personally.

The most important thing you can do is work on regulating your own emotions and not being codependent or enmeshed in hers.

I'm not codependent or enmeshed. I'm trying to determine if there is anything I can do to help. We want our kid to be happy and it's extremely difficult when they are not. I know I need to regulate myself but that is beyond the scope of my question.

I've already done as you suggest in the first part of your post. But, it's honestly exhausting.

[Anonymous]

If child does actually have ADHD, rejection sensitivity is a symptom: out-of-proportion responses to rejection. And, yes, not being specifically asked to go to eat can be seen as rejection.

I think that the first semester is always a more rough transition than anyone talks about. Selingo’s new Dream School book talks about this & research behind it

You say your child is medicated. For anxiety? Could it be that the anxiety is a symptom of the ADHD (it often is in women/girls & from the hug comment, I’m assuming a female tbh). So, if what you to do is to maybe think about if ADHD is the root & if more specific treatment for that would be helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If child does actually have ADHD, rejection sensitivity is a symptom: out-of-proportion responses to rejection. And, yes, not being specifically asked to go to eat can be seen as rejection.

I think that the first semester is always a more rough transition than anyone talks about. Selingo’s new Dream School book talks about this & research behind it

You say your child is medicated. For anxiety? Could it be that the anxiety is a symptom of the ADHD (it often is in women/girls & from the hug comment, I’m assuming a female tbh). So, if what you to do is to maybe think about if ADHD is the root & if more specific treatment for that would be helpful

Kid was tested for adhd and a lot of markers for it. But, they couldn't say directly b/c of the high level of anxiety. They suspect adhd is there.

[Anonymous]

This will probably sound dumb, but I have encouraged DC to give those unhelpful patterns of thought a name, and to think of them as characters who are *trying* to help but who have only a single tool in their tool kit that in most cases aren’t useful.

“No one likes me” could be named, say, Wally (yes, I know it’s dumb — but I’m telling you it helps). Wally isn’t a bad guy; in fact he’s doing his best to protect DC from getting very hurt later — after all, no one wants to be in a position where they find out too late that their friends don’t like them. The problem is, Wally only knows how to say this one thing. So he’s going to say it every single time, no matter what.

And you can’t actually keep someone like Wally from showing up. He’s like a terrible neighbor who just keeps walking into your kitchen. All you can do is recognize when he HAS showed up and that the voice you’re hearing is his, not reality.

Yeah, it’s silly. But it has helped loosen the grip that DC’s worst thoughts have. Those thoughts aren’t reality. They aren’t even her. And they aren’t “bad” — they’re actually coming from a place of protection. They’re just unhelpful and can be recognized for what they are.

[Anonymous]

Tell her nobody wants to hang out with a whiner and to fake being confident. You need mental help. The amount this is stressing you is out of proportion to what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don’t need to talk to the therapist. I would tell her she’s doing great and sometimes things like that happen and don’t take it personally.

The most important thing you can do is work on regulating your own emotions and not being codependent or enmeshed in hers.

Of course you should share your concerns with the child's therapist; not sure why above poster suggested otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Talk about burying ledes.
Kid is medicated. Kid is anxious. Kid is hyper sensitive to perceived rejection and has unrealistic expectations about other people's actions fitting her comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her nobody wants to hang out with a whiner and to fake being confident. You need mental help. The amount this is stressing you is out of proportion to what is going on.

I kind of agree with this. It sucks but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Mom and dad, I feel for you, it's soooo hard! We want them to be happy 100% of the time.

One thing to keep in mind: emotionally, you are probably bearing more of this burden than your child is. I recall reading somewhere that when kids call to dump on parents, they are dropping their emotional load onto you and then moving on...and we are left to fester and worry. So in other words, it likely sounds worse than it is.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have answers but a lot of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her nobody wants to hang out with a whiner and to fake being confident. You need mental help. The amount this is stressing you is out of proportion to what is going on.

I kind of agree with this. It sucks but it’s true.

Unfortunately, this. I would recommend quitting the sport. Athletes can be very cliquey. Find a club and friends outside of the sport

[Anonymous]

So, my kid isn't in college yet, but definitely has difficulty with anxiety. I have found the more I acknowledge her difficult and say that must be hard, but not try to solve her problem associated with her anxiety the better it goes for her. I think this works because it gives her a chance to vent, I don't have a way to solve it which when she is feeling bad might sound like a mountain to climb. When she is in a good place figure out with her what kind of activities are good activities for renewal. Drawing, playing music, working out at gym? Ask her if she has found any clubs at school that sound interesting and when does it meet next. See if she will put it on her calendar. Finally talking about things being exciting. I think the bodies reaction to anxieties- rapid heartbeat, etc are similar to bodies reactions to excitement so try to subtly get her to recognize that as excitement and something to look forward to rather than something to worry about.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the posters who tell you to suck this up. There is a brigade of posters on here who seem to think there is a badge of honor for college kids and parents who never talk to each other.
Your child is reaching out to you. It's really hard as a parent to get those phone calls. We had a few early on this year from our second kid who is a freshman.

This child was similar---honestly all throughout senior year and then into college. What helped was therapy but mainly medication. In her case zoloft and birth control. She needed the hormonal and mood regulation and I can say that 3 months into this regimen is like a new kid. The mood swings and inner voice of anxiety is turned off. She's now just living her life and has made a fantastic circle of friends in what a difficult situation (large state school, arrived knowing no one, etc).
I would also remain completely neutral and upbeat when talking to her (by no means should she see you worry). It's probably reasonable to drop the therapist a line, maybe prefacing by saying "I know you can't reply to me due to HIPPA and I say this in confidence to you--please do not tell my child that I reached out."

I will also say that in my experience that some college students definitely use parents as their emotional dump. I have 2 of them and we have had conversations with both that are "the world is ending today" only to follow back with the kid in a few days to find that everything is totally ok and they've moved on. I definitely think that if you slip up and show that you're emotionally invested in the situation then they are more likely to come back to you again with the issue or the next issue.

My way of now handling things on the very rare occasion that I get a call like that:-- Kid: "the world is ending today, this is the worst thing ever"....etc etc for 10 minutes. Parent: "what did you have for lunch today? Did you get a Halloween costume yet?"