Reply to Am I a Terrible Daughter/Caregiver?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I wish my mom had enough funds to hire a nurse. She only has enough money to pay for about three years of memory care.

Back in her hole country, she could have afforded aids 24/7, but as her only child, she has to be with me now. [/quote]

Why? I'm an only child. My parents are in my home country. They will never move to the US. It's going to be 24/7 care at home or a nursing home, over there, not here.

You were not obligated to move her in with you, OP, and now you'd better think of something before you crack.

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The alzheimer crisis started during the pandemic. They would not take her in at the time. I had no other option. [/quote]

You had. You could have left her there, cobbling home aides or something. You never bring a dementia patient into your home.

What does your husband think? I would have refused this arragement if I were him.

The solution, OP, is to pick a nursing home that takes Medicaid. They will have her pay until she's indigent, at which point Medicaid will kick in. Call your county or state's eldercare services. You need to get this done as rapidly as you can.[/quote]

A good person does it for as long as they can, which is what I did, but at some point you need help.  We had no money for aides and its hard to do.[/quote]

That's what I feared. You have the "good person" syndrome. People are not bad because they put their parents in homes, OP. You have arguably given worse care at home, reduced your own quality of life, and curtailed your family's activities and lifestyle by quitting your job and attempting to care for your mother in your own home.

You are not a better or worse person than someone who made a different choice. But it's a problem that you think there is a morality angle to this. There isn't. Quit feeling misplaced pride (for taking her in), and now misplaced guilt and resentment (for not being able to see it through). You just need to recognize that she needs more than you can give her. Your sacrifices don't somehow place you first in line to Heaven, or whatever you believe in. They don't wash off other sins. They were simply a choice you made, one of many. Now you can make a different one.

I detest this fake virtue.

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