Surprised by Dad and step mom relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad raised two daughters and always pushed us to be high achieving academically and pushed us to go into high earning careers. Sister and I both graduated top of our high school class, went to highly ranked colleges and have successful careers. While I have mommy-tracked I make $150,000 a year/part time and sister makes $1 million a year. We both are married and have kids, etc.

My parents got divorced 20 years ago and my dad has since remarried a woman who is basically a doormat. She does not work, does not contribute to running the house and pretty much is only there to look pretty. She will cook for him and do his laundry. But he has a very busy life with lots of businesses and needs help running his household (like paying bills, organizing and scheduling house maintenance, gardening and keeping the house up, etc) and I feel like she does not contribute at all.

I am just so surprised that my dad decided to marry someone so passive when he has raised two women to be the exact opposite. Even my mom (his ex-wife) is very independent, worked my whole life, etc.

You sound obnoxious. She is older and if he's earning that much money, they can hire a housekeeper and gardener. Its probably his house. Why shoudl she work if she's older. She contributes in her own way. You don't like her and just say that. Why will your husband not financially support you so you can stay at home?

Op - actually she is 4 years older than me. So that doesn’t work in your narrative.

Were you born yesterday OP? To put it crudely your dad wanted a young beautiful woman who keeps him happy in bed. That’s her only job and she does that well.

[Anonymous]

OP could be 40, SM is 44 and maybe DF is 65. Everyone is old 'enough'. And if she cooks, does laundry and he has to pay bills for his companies, he's not rich enough for it to be worth it. She has to sleep with an old dude who is really not that rich. Kind of sad. Best she could do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he wanted one kind if woman as the mother of his children and another as a later in life partner, or maybe his worldview/priorities changed as he got older.

As long as he is happy and has his financial affairs in order (ie his kids are accounted for in his estate planning) and she is kind to you, it seems like a non-issue.

And before someone says people don't have to pass money to their kids, I think they usually should, and this is especially rhe case after a divorce or widower situation. The first spouse helped with wealth building, most likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP could be 40, SM is 44 and maybe DF is 65. Everyone is old 'enough'. And if she cooks, does laundry and he has to pay bills for his companies, he's not rich enough for it to be worth it. She has to sleep with an old dude who is really not that rich. Kind of sad. Best she could do.

Depends where she was starting from. Our longtime cleaning lady married a widower she worked for. He wasn’t super rich but she’s way better off than she used to be.

[Anonymous]

Here's the male reasoning -

A man doesn't know, when his daughters are born, what the future has in store for them. So a wise man prepares them to be income-earners, in case, they do not get married or get married to ne'er-do-wells.

When a man first gets married, he benefits from an equal partnership in which his wife also earns income. But if he becomes wealthy and gets married later, or is already wealthy when young, he has no particular incentive to marry someone who can help him financially, and he can afford to expand his search to non-income-earners. His priorities change to looks, disposition, caregiving, or other considerations.

[Anonymous]

OP, there’s nothing to understand. Do you want people wondering why you mommy tracked? If you’re worried he needs financial help, you can hire someone for him or do it yourself. If you don’t like those options (I wouldn’t care for them myself) then you might as well save yourself some mental energy and stop worrying.

[Anonymous]

10 years ago there was a survey about what qualities men want in their daughters versus their wives. You will be unsurprised on how it turned out.

https://www.businessinsider.com/what-men-want-in-a-wife-and-in-a-daughter-2015-4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad raised two daughters and always pushed us to be high achieving academically and pushed us to go into high earning careers. Sister and I both graduated top of our high school class, went to highly ranked colleges and have successful careers. While I have mommy-tracked I make $150,000 a year/part time and sister makes $1 million a year. We both are married and have kids, etc.

My parents got divorced 20 years ago and my dad has since remarried a woman who is basically a doormat. She does not work, does not contribute to running the house and pretty much is only there to look pretty. She will cook for him and do his laundry. But he has a very busy life with lots of businesses and needs help running his household (like paying bills, organizing and scheduling house maintenance, gardening and keeping the house up, etc) and I feel like she does not contribute at all.

I am just so surprised that my dad decided to marry someone so passive when he has raised two women to be the exact opposite. Even my mom (his ex-wife) is very independent, worked my whole life, etc.

Did your mom work when they were married or only after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he did not raise you, your mother did.

You have idolized this man in your mind.

He wanted to control someone your mother was not that person. He wants a personal maid with sexual favors and that is what he has.

I bet this is not true. My DW is as passive as it comes and as long as she's happy and healthy, I do not care. I have always told my daughter (now 28, doctor) to push herself and advocate for herself and do not let men push her around. I think that's where your dad is and I can fully understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad raised two daughters and always pushed us to be high achieving academically and pushed us to go into high earning careers. Sister and I both graduated top of our high school class, went to highly ranked colleges and have successful careers. While I have mommy-tracked I make $150,000 a year/part time and sister makes $1 million a year. We both are married and have kids, etc.

My parents got divorced 20 years ago and my dad has since remarried a woman who is basically a doormat. She does not work, does not contribute to running the house and pretty much is only there to look pretty. She will cook for him and do his laundry. But he has a very busy life with lots of businesses and needs help running his household (like paying bills, organizing and scheduling house maintenance, gardening and keeping the house up, etc) and I feel like she does not contribute at all.

I am just so surprised that my dad decided to marry someone so passive when he has raised two women to be the exact opposite. Even my mom (his ex-wife) is very independent, worked my whole life, etc.

Did your mom work when they were married or only after divorce?

This is the right question! Let’s give credit to the mom! And why did they divorce? The dad now has a trophy wife and he may be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad raised two daughters and always pushed us to be high achieving academically and pushed us to go into high earning careers. Sister and I both graduated top of our high school class, went to highly ranked colleges and have successful careers. While I have mommy-tracked I make $150,000 a year/part time and sister makes $1 million a year. We both are married and have kids, etc.

My parents got divorced 20 years ago and my dad has since remarried a woman who is basically a doormat. She does not work, does not contribute to running the house and pretty much is only there to look pretty. She will cook for him and do his laundry. But he has a very busy life with lots of businesses and needs help running his household (like paying bills, organizing and scheduling house maintenance, gardening and keeping the house up, etc) and I feel like she does not contribute at all.

I am just so surprised that my dad decided to marry someone so passive when he has raised two women to be the exact opposite. Even my mom (his ex-wife) is very independent, worked my whole life, etc.

Did your mom work when they were married or only after divorce?

This is the right question! Let’s give credit to the mom! And why did they divorce? The dad now has a trophy wife and he may be happy.

Op - mom always worked. Until she retired. They divorced when my dad cheated on my mom (not with current step mom).

Dad is worth around $6 million. He is 70 and step mom is 45.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the male reasoning -

A man doesn't know, when his daughters are born, what the future has in store for them. So a wise man prepares them to be income-earners, in case, they do not get married or get married to ne'er-do-wells.

When a man first gets married, he benefits from an equal partnership in which his wife also earns income. But if he becomes wealthy and gets married later, or is already wealthy when young, he has no particular incentive to marry someone who can help him financially, and he can afford to expand his search to non-income-earners. His priorities change to looks, disposition, caregiving, or other considerations.

This. Your dad wanted to know his daughters would each be okay even if they didn’t have a provider to depend on. He raised you to be able to take care of yourselves independently. He knows he’s financially stable in the future regardless of whether his spouse contributes to household income, so that wasn’t a requirement for his second wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post myself. Exact same situation with myself and my sister who were pushed to excel academically and be successful. My dad married my step-mom when I was 14 and they had a daughter who has always been spoiled with zero push to do anything. She is now 26 and dropped out of college and has never had a job. She still lives at home and is bankrolled by my father who doesn’t seem to care whether or not she has a job of any kind or is even a functional human being. It’s baffling.

We should form a club. My dad's adult son with his third wife is a perpetual student who can't hold a job. He runs around like an idiot and is bankrolled by my father. When I asked why he was fired from his most recent job, my father explained that "he had a female boss who was jealous of his success". His success at...what? Collecting graduate degrees? Not paying bills? Breathing?

This is the same dad who told my sister and I that we should always depend on ourselves. Sis is a full professor, I'm in Biglaw. We don't get it. If it was just about coddling the wives, I could buy it. But the obvious parroting of his various wives' enabling of their failure-to-launch kids is just deeply disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post myself. Exact same situation with myself and my sister who were pushed to excel academically and be successful. My dad married my step-mom when I was 14 and they had a daughter who has always been spoiled with zero push to do anything. She is now 26 and dropped out of college and has never had a job. She still lives at home and is bankrolled by my father who doesn’t seem to care whether or not she has a job of any kind or is even a functional human being. It’s baffling.

We should form a club. My dad's adult son with his third wife is a perpetual student who can't hold a job. He runs around like an idiot and is bankrolled by my father. When I asked why he was fired from his most recent job, my father explained that "he had a female boss who was jealous of his success". His success at...what? Collecting graduate degrees? Not paying bills? Breathing?

This is the same dad who told my sister and I that we should always depend on ourselves. Sis is a full professor, I'm in Biglaw. We don't get it. If it was just about coddling the wives, I could buy it. But the obvious parroting of his various wives' enabling of their failure-to-launch kids is just deeply disappointing.

As annoying as that is, I hope you’re grateful that you were raised by the better parent, earlier version of your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His new wife is a decoration and a comfort to him, not a person to share a load with.

He wanted better for his biological legacy when he was a young man.

Also successful, dominant, high-earning males sometimes don't like to share equal decisions with the equal partners they picked out. They don't have to share power at work...why should they share at home? That seems to be the logic.

In most of the divorces I've seen, the man trades down in terms of his partner's success. Usually for a younger, hotter woman to whom he is more of a hero or success compared to who they used to date. These guys are often selfish and insecure and don't want talk-back. They want "Whatever you say, Dear" type women.

This. Men want very different things for their daughters vs their wives. Research confirms this.

They want daughters who are confident assertive leaders and wives who are agreeable and supportive.

Men are excellent at compartmentalization. Their daughters are fully human to them with rich inner lives and ambitions.

Their wives are bangmaids.

It seems contradictory to anyone who doesn’t know men.