Friend separated from spouse but didn't say anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Op here. This is basically what I was thinking of texting, but I am paying attention to the many people saying not to do anything as I think more about this.

The thing I return to in my debates with myself is that I think I'd feel bad if people knew something like that about me but didn't say anything. I tend to isolate when sad and that would make me feel more isolated. I hope she did tell people closer to her and is getting support. I don't know if mentioning her kids were somewhere else was her way of telling the group since otherwise she didn't need to say anything at all. She's pretty quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound kind, OP. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I’ve been in her shoes in a way and I’m not sure whether I’d want a not-as-close person to reach out to me. If they did I’d just respond with a “thanks” and would definitely not get into it at all.

Op again. I'm sorry you've been there. I definitely can see how it could feel jarring or uninvited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

I’m in a similar situation. I’ve only told two close friends part of the truth and for everyone else it will stay very vague for my kids’ safety and privacy. The truth is that no one needs to know that my DH is mentally ill with a self-harm attempt but also abusive. I don’t want that to impact my kids’ social life or opportunities in our small community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound kind, OP. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I’ve been in her shoes in a way and I’m not sure whether I’d want a not-as-close person to reach out to me. If they did I’d just respond with a “thanks” and would definitely not get into it at all.

Op again. I'm sorry you've been there. I definitely can see how it could feel jarring or uninvited.

NP and I have to share my separation with a not-close friend for logistics reasons. But the legal and financial side were and are still extraordinarily complicated. Just keeping things going for my kids was all I could handle- thinking about how the rest might come together was crushing. So when that friend followed up multiple times, it felt prying and burdensome. There wasn’t any way that she could help and my life had already been splayed open by lawyers, our financial advisor, family members, etc., so I didn’t really have the energy to make someone feel like they were helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Myob

This ^

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Some women are very happy to be divorced, and they feel a great sense of relief. If someone like you approached them offering support as if someone had died, you would be the one creating drama and shame. A lot of women completed the mourning stage while in the marriage, up until they made the decision to leave. If you were not privy to that stage, keep your mouth shut. She is ready to move on to a new chapter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Op here. This is basically what I was thinking of texting, but I am paying attention to the many people saying not to do anything as I think more about this.

The thing I return to in my debates with myself is that I think I'd feel bad if people knew something like that about me but didn't say anything. I tend to isolate when sad and that would make me feel more isolated. I hope she did tell people closer to her and is getting support. I don't know if mentioning her kids were somewhere else was her way of telling the group since otherwise she didn't need to say anything at all. She's pretty quiet.

Don't do this!!!! She chose not to share more with you. If she talks to you about it, great. If not, you now know the living situation for logistics. Do not listen to the socially inept pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Op here. This is basically what I was thinking of texting, but I am paying attention to the many people saying not to do anything as I think more about this.

The thing I return to in my debates with myself is that I think I'd feel bad if people knew something like that about me but didn't say anything. I tend to isolate when sad and that would make me feel more isolated. I hope she did tell people closer to her and is getting support. I don't know if mentioning her kids were somewhere else was her way of telling the group since otherwise she didn't need to say anything at all. She's pretty quiet.

Pay attention to the kind pp, OP.

[Anonymous]

I announced my divorce on facebook specifically to make sure nobody ever did what you are contemplating. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Op here. This is basically what I was thinking of texting, but I am paying attention to the many people saying not to do anything as I think more about this.

The thing I return to in my debates with myself is that I think I'd feel bad if people knew something like that about me but didn't say anything. I tend to isolate when sad and that would make me feel more isolated. I hope she did tell people closer to her and is getting support. I don't know if mentioning her kids were somewhere else was her way of telling the group since otherwise she didn't need to say anything at all. She's pretty quiet.

Pay attention to the kind pp, OP.

She may be trying to be kind, but in actuality she is leading you astray. No way she has gone through divorce with this advice. It is stupid. Now if you were having a conversation with her already and she brought it up again, then sure, then you could say something like, I know being a single mother can be difficult sometimes, if you ever need to carpool or something, let me know. Do not offer to insert yourself emotionally into her troubles if she very clearly did the opposite of asking you to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT text about it!! It sounds like you two are not particularly close if you just now are noticing her absence and didn’t know the marriage was in trouble. I am sure she has been reaching out to closer friends/family for any support she needs. I have a friend who disclosed her divorce along the same lines - casually mentioning that her husband closed on his new place and the kids were picking out new beds etc. She’s not the type to want to make a big announcement and have all eyes on her and then have to answer questions or explain the store when she clearly didn’t want to go into it. It will put your friend in an awkward position to text her and seems like you’re digging for details/gossip. If you hang out one on one and she brings it up, that’s when you can express sympathy I guess. For all you know, she is thrilled the marriage is over!

Totally different from expressing sympathy over death/illness or something objectively sad, even to someone you’re not close with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

Don't be an azz. Seriously, getting kicks of this PPs trauma?

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. She might bring it up and then listen. Let her lead the conversation and let her bring it up. Some people don't want to talk about things. We all process change in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I announced my divorce on facebook specifically to make sure nobody ever did what you are contemplating. Stay out of it.

Did you tell people not to contact you?

[Anonymous]

She soft launched the divorce. Assume that was intentional. A hard launch would have been an announcement and invitation to talk/support. She did it when she wanted, the way she wanted. Now it's out but she wants to move on.