Friend separated from spouse but didn't say anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Some women are very happy to be divorced, and they feel a great sense of relief. If someone like you approached them offering support as if someone had died, you would be the one creating drama and shame. A lot of women completed the mourning stage while in the marriage, up until they made the decision to leave. If you were not privy to that stage, keep your mouth shut. She is ready to move on to a new chapter.

+1. I was very relieved to be getting a divorce. When people found out they kept saying they were so sorry for me. I had to keep telling them not to be and that I was very relieved and excited that it was ending. Awkward!

People don’t know others’ situations. To those in happy marriages, it seems terrible to imagine it ending. For those in miserable marriages, it’s can feel great to finally be getting out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I announced my divorce on facebook specifically to make sure nobody ever did what you are contemplating. Stay out of it.

Did you tell people not to contact you?

Not exactly. But I controlled the narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

+1

Nope nope nope. Not identifying myself, sorry.

It's not a salacious affair, though, if that's what you were hoping for.

Tax fraud maybe lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She soft launched the divorce. Assume that was intentional. A hard launch would have been an announcement and invitation to talk/support. She did it when she wanted, the way she wanted. Now it's out but she wants to move on.

Women are wild soft/hard launch of divorces, talk/support lol...women truly support one another tough. It's a good thing I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP you are a mom getting together not a true friend in her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a mom getting together not a true friend in her mind.

^^agree. We call that an "acquaintance."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't reach out. You are so socially unaware that she clearly wants nothing mentioned of this event.

+1

You just want info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

Honestly, what's wrong with you? If you find out someone has terminal cancer do you ask them exactly how much time they have left? FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for women there is a sense of guilt/shame when divorce happens. I have a couple guy friends who recently divorced and they said it to me non chanlently and we barely talked about the reasons etc and just pivoted to taking about the economy, politics, sports.

Maybe other women judge divorced women more than men judge divorced men?

Women are scared sh#tless that divorce is contagious. Its not uncommon for separated/divorced women to stop being included in activities with larger groups of married friends, especially in a neighborhood social group where the ties are a bit more tenuous and motivated by convenience/proximity (rather than a lifelong friendship).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Do not do this. If she has said nothing, she wants privacy.

During my separation I was barely surviving and was keeping things very quiet. Someone from my extended social circle reached out like this and it was really unwelcome and upsetting. It made me feel like everyone was talking about me. If I had wanted to reach out and talk to this person about my situation, I would have done so. I did not want a "I'm here if you need to talk" message from this person.

[Anonymous]

Another separated parent here, under very traumatic circumstances. If I knew you were gossiping about me in this way, it would make what I thought was a safe place for me to get a break into an unsafe one. I would not go back and would end up even more isolated. Please mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

So l think we all know separation is an extremely hard experience. I appreciate your concern for your friend / acquaintance OP. I was really surprised and hurt about the lack of from support from my supposed best friend when l separated, but you’re not a close friend.

Leave it up to her to bring it up if she wants to, like she already did. If you think you might want to be closer friends with her, regardless of marital status or not, go ahead and do that but don’t make it about her separation and she probably doesn’t want anyone being nosy about if she’s ok etc. You didn’t even know so seems like she’s doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Some women are very happy to be divorced, and they feel a great sense of relief. If someone like you approached them offering support as if someone had died, you would be the one creating drama and shame. A lot of women completed the mourning stage while in the marriage, up until they made the decision to leave. If you were not privy to that stage, keep your mouth shut. She is ready to move on to a new chapter.

+1. I was very relieved to be getting a divorce. When people found out they kept saying they were so sorry for me. I had to keep telling them not to be and that I was very relieved and excited that it was ending. Awkward!

People don’t know others’ situations. To those in happy marriages, it seems terrible to imagine it ending. For those in miserable marriages, it’s can feel great to finally be getting out of it.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Some women are very happy to be divorced, and they feel a great sense of relief. If someone like you approached them offering support as if someone had died, you would be the one creating drama and shame. A lot of women completed the mourning stage while in the marriage, up until they made the decision to leave. If you were not privy to that stage, keep your mouth shut. She is ready to move on to a new chapter.

+1

I have one friend who reached out to me. She wanted to talk and she wanted me to hear it from her directly and early. We talked for an hour then and many times after.

I have another less close friend where I similarly heard about it sort of second hand. I did not pry or bring it up. In later conversations she mentioned it to me and I followed her lead on what to ask with out prying or being overly familiar. This friend was fine at the stage we connected and not looking for the "support" you are suggesting, at least not from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Op here. This is basically what I was thinking of texting, but I am paying attention to the many people saying not to do anything as I think more about this.

The thing I return to in my debates with myself is that I think I'd feel bad if people knew something like that about me but didn't say anything. I tend to isolate when sad and that would make me feel more isolated. I hope she did tell people closer to her and is getting support. I don't know if mentioning her kids were somewhere else was her way of telling the group since otherwise she didn't need to say anything at all. She's pretty quiet.

Ehhhh I’m in the middle of a separation which has been pretty horrible. I have told close family and friends and while it’s not a secret at all, it’s interesting to randomly hear from people who otherwise don’t get in contact. It honestly makes me kind of feel like they just want to know the story of what’s going on and I don’t feel like sharing it with people that are on the fringe side of friendship. I would just let her mention it again in person and then you can say something but I wouldn’t specifically reach out. FWIW I’ve already been separated for seven months and things are getting worse not better, so I’m in no mood to talk about it.