Friend separated from spouse but didn't say anything

[Anonymous]

I know it's not my business, but I'd like to be supportive. Is it weird to reach out?

The situation is that there's a neighborhood group of about a dozen moms that get together monthly for happy hours. Most of us have high schoolers and have been doing this since the kids were in preschool together. Within the group some people are closer to some people than others and get together separately, but many of us just see the others whenever we can make it. I think we'd all consider each other friends at some level, or at least part of a support circle, which is how the group originally formed.

At our last gathering one of the moms, "Annie," mentioned something about the kids being with their dad that week. I wasn't the only one who looked confused but nobody said anything and the conversation moved on. I later asked my DD who sometimes rides the bus with Annie's kids if they're still on the bus route and she said "only when they're not at their dad's." The kids aren't close at all anymore, so I can only guess this isn't secret information.

I love that this group is not at all gossipy. But this made me realize that maybe we don't really know each other that well at all. I think Annie is more private than some of the moms who seem to share everything about their lives. In retrospect, she missed a bunch of get togethers but that's not unusual since we all have busy periods of life. Most months there are probably 5-8 who can make it.

My question is, is it more respectful to just continue to mind my own business and not say anything? Or is it kinder to reach out and just see how she's doing?

Normally I'd leave it alone to not invade privacy but I keep second guessing myself because my parents were from another country and I don't always get cultural norms right. Also as a shy person I tend to be slow to ask for support but do really appreciate when people reach out. I recently went though the loss of a close relative and kind of shut down and didn't tell anyone but was so grateful to get cards or texts from people who learned through my husband. But a card feels weird for this I think.

[Anonymous]

Don't reach out. You are so socially unaware that she clearly wants nothing mentioned of this event.

[Anonymous]

Myob

[Anonymous]

As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

[Anonymous]

Do not reach out. If she wanted to share or you to know she would have shared.

Allow her that.

[Anonymous]

I think for women there is a sense of guilt/shame when divorce happens. I have a couple guy friends who recently divorced and they said it to me non chanlently and we barely talked about the reasons etc and just pivoted to taking about the economy, politics, sports.

Maybe other women judge divorced women more than men judge divorced men?

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone. If she says something again, you can ask “I didn’t realize you and Chandler had separated- you okay?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the group is her happy place and she doesn't want to talk about sad things while there.

[Anonymous]

So what? Don’t say anything. this is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

None of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

+1

Nope nope nope. Not identifying myself, sorry.

It's not a salacious affair, though, if that's what you were hoping for.

[Anonymous]

You sound kind, OP. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I’ve been in her shoes in a way and I’m not sure whether I’d want a not-as-close person to reach out to me. If they did I’d just respond with a “thanks” and would definitely not get into it at all.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.