Extended family socializing taking over everywhere I go

[Anonymous]

I mean, it’s true everywhere. People with extended family close by tend not to be interested in new friendships. Part of why I like DC is it has so many young adults who didn’t grow up here. Not every weekend invitation is declined because of nephew’s birthday party/niece’s pre-prom party/uncle’s retirement party/aunt’s 75th birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear: not my family!

So where I grew up, most people were from the area and had tons of adult siblings, parents, cousins, etc nearby. But it was extremely rare to see someone bring, say, their sister and all of their nieces and nephews to the country club or swim club for the afternoon. Even families that were multi-generation members of private clubs would just say a quick hi to each other at the tennis courts or the weekend buffet because the grandparents had their friends to socialize and the adult kids were taking the grandchildren off to see their own friends.

Lately, I’ve repeatedly had weird experiences of showing up at my swim club or country club (the two memberships is a long irrelevant waitlist saga) and feeling like I know no one. Both are small clubs and this has never been the case in past years. And then after overhearing conversations I realize that it’s because there are two members hosting 20+ guests- their parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, etc. They were definitely local because they were discussing nearby schools, neighborhoods, etc., so it’s not like everyone had flown in from the middle of nowhere for a once-in-a-lifetime gathering.

It felt weird and uncomfortable to be some of the only “outsiders”, especially when they basically took over various parts of the pool for their contests, games, etc. Usually my kids have no qualms about joining groups of random kids they only sort of knew, but for this one they announced they wanted to leave early.

One of my clubs is proposing a policy at the board level specifically to restrict this kind of hosting/entertaining/family reunion stuff because “the club should be a place for socializing between members, not a rental facility.” I agree with that but I see it constantly and kind of have my doubts that it will be effective.

Are you seeing this kind of clannish family socializing in any of the places you go? I see it at my kids’ sports events, school events, etc. Maybe I grew up in a reserved area, but we did our big family socializing at each others’ homes and it was considered kind of weird to run around together for every other thing.

I wish I had a bigger family for my kids

[Anonymous]

Gross op, sorry you’re lonely.

[Anonymous]

I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

[Anonymous]

When my family was in a country club they had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and a restaurant where this was expected. The entire family didn't all play golf or swim there though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my family was in a country club they had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and a restaurant where this was expected. The entire family didn't all play golf or swim there though.

Holiday meals make sense.

But dragging 10 cousins and great aunts and grandmas to every regular season little league game or school concert or open swim is kind of socially stunted and indeed clannish as mentioned earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my family was in a country club they had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and a restaurant where this was expected. The entire family didn't all play golf or swim there though.

Holiday meals make sense.

But dragging 10 cousins and great aunts and grandmas to every regular season little league game or school concert or open swim is kind of socially stunted and indeed clannish as mentioned earlier.

Some people value family relationships, some don’t. Ask your clubs to enforce their rules but you don’t have to be so judgey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

Social can mean being social with people your choose to bring as guests. There are no rules saying you join a club to be social only with the members. if you don't have people to bring in and also don't enjoy going to find others do, find a new place that will have people who are in your situation. Or try to get more members who also don't seem to have many family nearby to get into your current club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my family was in a country club they had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and a restaurant where this was expected. The entire family didn't all play golf or swim there though.

Holiday meals make sense.

But dragging 10 cousins and great aunts and grandmas to every regular season little league game or school concert or open swim is kind of socially stunted and indeed clannish as mentioned earlier.

No it is not. It's just that you don't have that. They can do and go wherever they want. You do you, and they'll do them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

Social can mean being social with people your choose to bring as guests. There are no rules saying you join a club to be social only with the members. if you don't have people to bring in and also don't enjoy going to find others do, find a new place that will have people who are in your situation. Or try to get more members who also don't seem to have many family nearby to get into your current club.

I actually think that bringing a bunch of non-members to a club and only hanging out with them is antisocial. That’s what entertaining at home is for.

This might be a generational thing. I’m in my mid-40s and the people I see doing these big family takeovers are in their 30s. I think a lot of people never learned to make new friends or how to handle the art of acquaintance/activity friendships. There are a lot of younger people I encounter who can’t handle small talk and light conversation and basically have bffs, their family, and no one else. I live in an area where RTO has been slow and I don’t think that helps in terms of training people on how to interact with strangers and near-strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

I don’t want to be friends with these giant families. I just want to understand why it feels like they’re suddenly taking over all of the places I go!

Did you read? that's why PP suggested you try to find people who don't have large family or extended family. But that may take more efforts than you are willing to put in. Sounds like you signed up for a club(s)/leagues etc..and you wanted to show up and start making friends instead you see fellow members bringing in their family and friends into the club. They may never reach out to you to form NEW friendships or acquaint-ships. If you don't like the situation, you should move or let it be.

[Anonymous]

You’re targeting the wrong issue/party. If it doesn’t violate the rules, it’s fine. If you want different rules, you joined the wrong clubs and that’s on you. If the clubs have rules and aren’t enforcing them, your issue should be with the clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

Social can mean being social with people your choose to bring as guests. There are no rules saying you join a club to be social only with the members. if you don't have people to bring in and also don't enjoy going to find others do, find a new place that will have people who are in your situation. Or try to get more members who also don't seem to have many family nearby to get into your current club.

I actually think that bringing a bunch of non-members to a club and only hanging out with them is antisocial. That’s what entertaining at home is for.

This might be a generational thing. I’m in my mid-40s and the people I see doing these big family takeovers are in their 30s. I think a lot of people never learned to make new friends or how to handle the art of acquaintance/activity friendships. There are a lot of younger people I encounter who can’t handle small talk and light conversation and basically have bffs, their family, and no one else. I live in an area where RTO has been slow and I don’t think that helps in terms of training people on how to interact with strangers and near-strangers.

It's a you thing. This is how people socialize and you are being left behind. Times have indeed changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

I don’t want to be friends with these giant families. I just want to understand why it feels like they’re suddenly taking over all of the places I go!

Hmmmm. OP, are these people the same color as you? Because your vibe is just so weird.