Extended family socializing taking over everywhere I go

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

Social can mean being social with people your choose to bring as guests. There are no rules saying you join a club to be social only with the members. if you don't have people to bring in and also don't enjoy going to find others do, find a new place that will have people who are in your situation. Or try to get more members who also don't seem to have many family nearby to get into your current club.

I actually think that bringing a bunch of non-members to a club and only hanging out with them is antisocial. That’s what entertaining at home is for.

This might be a generational thing. I’m in my mid-40s and the people I see doing these big family takeovers are in their 30s. I think a lot of people never learned to make new friends or how to handle the art of acquaintance/activity friendships. There are a lot of younger people I encounter who can’t handle small talk and light conversation and basically have bffs, their family, and no one else. I live in an area where RTO has been slow and I don’t think that helps in terms of training people on how to interact with strangers and near-strangers.

It's a you thing. This is how people socialize and you are being left behind. Times have indeed changed.

This is interesting, can you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought these places encouraged social events? We belong to a swim club with a super long wait and there were always events going on. But that seemed to be the point, people belonged to be social. I have not gone since my kids were old enough to be dropped off alone. They are social so we keep the membership. Yes, sometimes they bring lots of friends as guests. Now they can get there on their own and are still bringing guests.

Maybe reevaluate if these places are for you, OP.

Well I think they’re encouraging people to be social and get to know fellow members. Someone’s BIL and 5 nephews visiting from two subdivisions over who only talks to his family undermines that.

Social can mean being social with people your choose to bring as guests. There are no rules saying you join a club to be social only with the members. if you don't have people to bring in and also don't enjoy going to find others do, find a new place that will have people who are in your situation. Or try to get more members who also don't seem to have many family nearby to get into your current club.

I actually think that bringing a bunch of non-members to a club and only hanging out with them is antisocial. That’s what entertaining at home is for.

This might be a generational thing. I’m in my mid-40s and the people I see doing these big family takeovers are in their 30s. I think a lot of people never learned to make new friends or how to handle the art of acquaintance/activity friendships. There are a lot of younger people I encounter who can’t handle small talk and light conversation and basically have bffs, their family, and no one else. I live in an area where RTO has been slow and I don’t think that helps in terms of training people on how to interact with strangers and near-strangers.

It's a you thing. This is how people socialize and you are being left behind. Times have indeed changed.

Seriously, didn't know there are social police out there commenting on who people should socialize with, how they should and where they should. They probably socialize in their homes too and also in the clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

In VA too. And colleagues who live in MD say they had their nieces and or nephews over for x,y,z activities or events. They also go to the beach together for a week each summer after spending every other summer weekend together. Fewer gatherings during school year but they see each other at birthday parties and basketball plus other activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

OP is saying the "guests" are extended family. OP is questioning why the family, and friends gather at the club instead of their homes. OP thinks clubs/leagues/games should only be for members/participants and their nuclear family. As someone pointed out, there are no social rules in these spaces but OP thinks they seem to know what is supposed to be happening and where it should be happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

Yes, it’s a small club and I’m a team parent rep and on a board committee so I know 90% of members by face and slightly less by name. This is a recent shift.

We do have a few big extended families who are all members but they are really social with people beyond their family so it doesn’t feel like it interrupts the social fabric of the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

OP is saying the "guests" are extended family. OP is questioning why the family, and friends gather at the club instead of their homes. OP thinks clubs/leagues/games should only be for members/participants and their nuclear family. As someone pointed out, there are no social rules in these spaces but OP thinks they seem to know what is supposed to be happening and where it should be happening.

I don’t think these things are just for nuclear families. It’s just off-putting when these big families show up and only socialize amongst themselves. I was raised in a place where it was considered incredibly rude to not acknowledge someone sitting next to you in the bleachers or on the sidelines, or to not say hi when you sit down at a chaise adjacent to someone else. When people are turned inward and only talking to their people, whether it’s relatives or a clique, that’s weird and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

OP is saying the "guests" are extended family. OP is questioning why the family, and friends gather at the club instead of their homes. OP thinks clubs/leagues/games should only be for members/participants and their nuclear family. As someone pointed out, there are no social rules in these spaces but OP thinks they seem to know what is supposed to be happening and where it should be happening.

I don’t think these things are just for nuclear families. It’s just off-putting when these big families show up and only socialize amongst themselves. I was raised in a place where it was considered incredibly rude to not acknowledge someone sitting next to you in the bleachers or on the sidelines, or to not say hi when you sit down at a chaise adjacent to someone else. When people are turned inward and only talking to their people, whether it’s relatives or a clique, that’s weird and rude.

I’m surprised to find that I agree with OP, though I have no interest in joining any clubs. That is insular behavior and makes for a less rich social scene for everyone. We’ve made so many good friends through our kids’ sports, but we definitely see these families who come en masse and show zero interest in non-family members. That’s their prerogative, of course, but they are missing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

I don’t want to be friends with these giant families. I just want to understand why it feels like they’re suddenly taking over all of the places I go!

Hmmmm. OP, are these people the same color as you? Because your vibe is just so weird.

I had the same reaction reading OP post and wonder the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

OP is saying the "guests" are extended family. OP is questioning why the family, and friends gather at the club instead of their homes. OP thinks clubs/leagues/games should only be for members/participants and their nuclear family. As someone pointed out, there are no social rules in these spaces but OP thinks they seem to know what is supposed to be happening and where it should be happening.

I don’t think these things are just for nuclear families. It’s just off-putting when these big families show up and only socialize amongst themselves. I was raised in a place where it was considered incredibly rude to not acknowledge someone sitting next to you in the bleachers or on the sidelines, or to not say hi when you sit down at a chaise adjacent to someone else. When people are turned inward and only talking to their people, whether it’s relatives or a clique, that’s weird and rude.

I’m surprised to find that I agree with OP, though I have no interest in joining any clubs. That is insular behavior and makes for a less rich social scene for everyone. We’ve made so many good friends through our kids’ sports, but we definitely see these families who come en masse and show zero interest in non-family members. That’s their prerogative, of course, but they are missing out.

they don't see it as missing out. You do. OP does. But not everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

I don’t want to be friends with these giant families. I just want to understand why it feels like they’re suddenly taking over all of the places I go!

Hmmmm. OP, are these people the same color as you? Because your vibe is just so weird.

I had the same reaction reading OP post and wonder the same thing.

OP and I’m white, and the only families I see doing this are also white.

My own family is mixed Asian and white and many other swim club members are the same as us or mixed black and white.

[Anonymous]

I understand the behavior OP is pointing out and also find it annoying. A lot of people are focused on the “private club” thing and zeroing in on it. But instead, think of it as “people bringing the entire extended family to every possible event and taking over the space.” I was at kid swim lessons this morning at the rec center and there was a family on the bleachers - what looked like mom and dad, another adult woman, that woman’s 2 children, and what I’m assuming were the grandparents. With their stuff and coffees and water bottles spread out everywhere as well. No, no one was staying after for open swim or additional lessons or whatever that I could tell.

I agree, it would be off-putting to go to your pool club, there’s not too many people there, but of the, say, 50 people there, 10 are part of one group and there are also two groups of 6-8 and they only want to talk to/play with/hang out with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the behavior OP is pointing out and also find it annoying. A lot of people are focused on the “private club” thing and zeroing in on it. But instead, think of it as “people bringing the entire extended family to every possible event and taking over the space.” I was at kid swim lessons this morning at the rec center and there was a family on the bleachers - what looked like mom and dad, another adult woman, that woman’s 2 children, and what I’m assuming were the grandparents. With their stuff and coffees and water bottles spread out everywhere as well. No, no one was staying after for open swim or additional lessons or whatever that I could tell.

I agree, it would be off-putting to go to your pool club, there’s not too many people there, but of the, say, 50 people there, 10 are part of one group and there are also two groups of 6-8 and they only want to talk to/play with/hang out with each other.

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Same thing at swim lessons yesterday! I was hanging out in the bleachers with a book, and below me a huge family slowly trickled in- mom, dad, grandparents, what might have been an aunt/sister, siblings, etc. for one kid. It was more people than could fit in a single vehicle, so they planned to meet to watch a 20-minute lesson? Who knows.

They set up shop and took over the small area and surrounded me (I was up high and in the middle so I wasn’t blocking an end or anything). A few other parents trickled in, saw there was no room in the bleachers, and spent the lesson standing awkwardly to the side on the deck. I eventually got up and moved because it was so uncomfortable to be surrounding by 9 family members are talking past/over/around me. So weird. Meet for lunch or at the park after!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

Yes, it’s a small club and I’m a team parent rep and on a board committee so I know 90% of members by face and slightly less by name. This is a recent shift.

We do have a few big extended families who are all members but they are really social with people beyond their family so it doesn’t feel like it interrupts the social fabric of the club.

Okay, now you are just being very specific and weird.

I won’t name names, but I’m a lifelong resident of Dcumlandia and I can think of dozens upon dozens of families who have been members of the same country clubs forever—and they don’t do swim team at the country club because they either spend the bulk of their summer at their beach house or their kids swim at the neighborhood swim club (which is even more cliquey than the country club).

I think you are the outlier here, especially if you didn’t grow up in this area/at this club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure they are guests? One of my SILs is from a huge extended family and many still live in the midwestern city they grew up in. Many of them are very close and join the same clubs, go to the same schools, etc.

Yes, it’s a small club and I’m a team parent rep and on a board committee so I know 90% of members by face and slightly less by name. This is a recent shift.

We do have a few big extended families who are all members but they are really social with people beyond their family so it doesn’t feel like it interrupts the social fabric of the club.

Okay, now you are just being very specific and weird.

I won’t name names, but I’m a lifelong resident of Dcumlandia and I can think of dozens upon dozens of families who have been members of the same country clubs forever—and they don’t do swim team at the country club because they either spend the bulk of their summer at their beach house or their kids swim at the neighborhood swim club (which is even more cliquey than the country club).

I think you are the outlier here, especially if you didn’t grow up in this area/at this club.

Isn’t OP saying they go to a swim club for swim team and that’s where this happened? What am I missing?