Extended family socializing taking over everywhere I go

[Anonymous]

To be clear: not my family!

So where I grew up, most people were from the area and had tons of adult siblings, parents, cousins, etc nearby. But it was extremely rare to see someone bring, say, their sister and all of their nieces and nephews to the country club or swim club for the afternoon. Even families that were multi-generation members of private clubs would just say a quick hi to each other at the tennis courts or the weekend buffet because the grandparents had their friends to socialize and the adult kids were taking the grandchildren off to see their own friends.

Lately, I’ve repeatedly had weird experiences of showing up at my swim club or country club (the two memberships is a long irrelevant waitlist saga) and feeling like I know no one. Both are small clubs and this has never been the case in past years. And then after overhearing conversations I realize that it’s because there are two members hosting 20+ guests- their parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, etc. They were definitely local because they were discussing nearby schools, neighborhoods, etc., so it’s not like everyone had flown in from the middle of nowhere for a once-in-a-lifetime gathering.

It felt weird and uncomfortable to be some of the only “outsiders”, especially when they basically took over various parts of the pool for their contests, games, etc. Usually my kids have no qualms about joining groups of random kids they only sort of knew, but for this one they announced they wanted to leave early.

One of my clubs is proposing a policy at the board level specifically to restrict this kind of hosting/entertaining/family reunion stuff because “the club should be a place for socializing between members, not a rental facility.” I agree with that but I see it constantly and kind of have my doubts that it will be effective.

Are you seeing this kind of clannish family socializing in any of the places you go? I see it at my kids’ sports events, school events, etc. Maybe I grew up in a reserved area, but we did our big family socializing at each others’ homes and it was considered kind of weird to run around together for every other thing.

[Anonymous]

No, but I live in a city, generally travel to cities, and don’t belong to country clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear: not my family!

So where I grew up, most people were from the area and had tons of adult siblings, parents, cousins, etc nearby. But it was extremely rare to see someone bring, say, their sister and all of their nieces and nephews to the country club or swim club for the afternoon. Even families that were multi-generation members of private clubs would just say a quick hi to each other at the tennis courts or the weekend buffet because the grandparents had their friends to socialize and the adult kids were taking the grandchildren off to see their own friends.

Lately, I’ve repeatedly had weird experiences of showing up at my swim club or country club (the two memberships is a long irrelevant waitlist saga) and feeling like I know no one. Both are small clubs and this has never been the case in past years. And then after overhearing conversations I realize that it’s because there are two members hosting 20+ guests- their parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, etc. They were definitely local because they were discussing nearby schools, neighborhoods, etc., so it’s not like everyone had flown in from the middle of nowhere for a once-in-a-lifetime gathering.

It felt weird and uncomfortable to be some of the only “outsiders”, especially when they basically took over various parts of the pool for their contests, games, etc. Usually my kids have no qualms about joining groups of random kids they only sort of knew, but for this one they announced they wanted to leave early.

One of my clubs is proposing a policy at the board level specifically to restrict this kind of hosting/entertaining/family reunion stuff because “the club should be a place for socializing between members, not a rental facility.” I agree with that but I see it constantly and kind of have my doubts that it will be effective.

Are you seeing this kind of clannish family socializing in any of the places you go? I see it at my kids’ sports events, school events, etc. Maybe I grew up in a reserved area, but we did our big family socializing at each others’ homes and it was considered kind of weird to run around together for every other thing.

I noticed that too, once I was invited to an indoor playground for my kid and tried to be friendly with the host. She was really nice and friendly but her mother was standing right next to her almost monitoring our conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but I live in a city, generally travel to cities, and don’t belong to country clubs.

OP and that’s an interesting observation- kids spent half their lives in a big city as did we and we recently went to London to visit our adult friends and DD remarked how friendly all of the kids were at the neighborhood playgrounds we visited. Maybe because they didn’t have 10 cousins in tow!

But even our city athletic club started to have this problem until they jacked up the guest fee and got more serious another membership number checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but I live in a city, generally travel to cities, and don’t belong to country clubs.

OP and that’s an interesting observation- kids spent half their lives in a big city as did we and we recently went to London to visit our adult friends and DD remarked how friendly all of the kids were at the neighborhood playgrounds we visited. Maybe because they didn’t have 10 cousins in tow!

But even our city athletic club started to have this problem until they jacked up the guest fee and got more serious another membership number checks.

You belong to a lot of clubs: country club, athletic club, swim club. Maybe change your types of socializing if this isn't working for you?

[Anonymous]

I think I would be super annoyed if people brought 20 guests to a swim or country club I paid for, yes. I don’t think I’d care whether it was a family reunion or a party or a work group though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but I live in a city, generally travel to cities, and don’t belong to country clubs.

OP and that’s an interesting observation- kids spent half their lives in a big city as did we and we recently went to London to visit our adult friends and DD remarked how friendly all of the kids were at the neighborhood playgrounds we visited. Maybe because they didn’t have 10 cousins in tow!

But even our city athletic club started to have this problem until they jacked up the guest fee and got more serious another membership number checks.

You belong to a lot of clubs: country club, athletic club, swim club. Maybe change your types of socializing if this isn't working for you?

Only 2 clubs- athletic club was where we used to live!

Swim club is a typical bare bones neighborhood pool and we joined because the country club doesn’t have swim team. Country club is because it’s year-round and has social activities, food, tennis, a gym, etc.

[Anonymous]

Truly I can’t imagine being annoyed about this unless it was a space issue.

[Anonymous]

Are the extended family people not club members? Are there rules on how many guests someone can bring? I think the issue would be having so many non-members present at one time, less than that they are related.

[Anonymous]

I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but I live in a city, generally travel to cities, and don’t belong to country clubs.

OP and that’s an interesting observation- kids spent half their lives in a big city as did we and we recently went to London to visit our adult friends and DD remarked how friendly all of the kids were at the neighborhood playgrounds we visited. Maybe because they didn’t have 10 cousins in tow!

But even our city athletic club started to have this problem until they jacked up the guest fee and got more serious another membership number checks.

You belong to a lot of clubs: country club, athletic club, swim club. Maybe change your types of socializing if this isn't working for you?

NP. Irrelevant. We belong to 3. Talk to the general manager about
1) Guest fees - they are too low, being thwarted
2) Guest limits - we typically have a limit of how many guests can accompany each member (it's like 1 or 2) and how frequently they can come to the club(s). It's like 1X per month.
3) People who respect this - like have the same tennis buddy play 2X a month with them and they pay for it once a month are going to be ignored. People who bring hordes of guests are going to be spoken to because the point is that members at a club like to socialize with people they know -- not random guests or adjacent to a reunion.
4) If you want to hold a reuinion (or wedding or whatver) at a club, that's fine if they go through the proper channels, reserve the right rooms and give $$$$$ to our club. We love that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe more families are living closer to each other again as they did in the dino years? Know many people who grew up in the DMV, moved away to attend college, work, travel and live in other countries then made their way back to the same city and some the same neighborhood they grew up in and now live within minutes from their parents siblings and extended family who have kids of similar ages. Sort of like in the movie my big fat Greek wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought being able to host parties was part of the point of joining.

I think our pool has guest count restrictions on weekends just to control crowding but not on weekdays and I frequently see birthday parties and such and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it at all.

OP and our country club is the place that encourages hosting parties, but that’s for formal rentals of specific spaces. It has very specific guest restrictions.

The pool has specific guest count restrictions, days, and fees, but they’re enforced only when the right manager is present. Otherwise it’s dictated by whichever 15 year old kid happens to be at the desk and if they have the guts to stand up to a group of 20 showing up on a restricted day.

I don’t think this is just about pool policy, though, because as I said it’s everywhere from kids’ soccer games to school.

My beef is that when those families just socialize with each other and it’s happening at multiple places, it makes it hard to find and build community.

Find people who don't necessarily have that type of larger family and friends already and start making your own "community"

I don’t want to be friends with these giant families. I just want to understand why it feels like they’re suddenly taking over all of the places I go!