The mental part of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

IKR ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

NP and OP, I would be crushed to read this comment even though I know it's intended to bring you to reality and help you see your situation. If there were so many great men out in the world, I think this forum would disappear. Finding one is easier said than done. PP, I'm glad that you exist and that you have a healthy relationship and perspective on your responsibility to your wife, but I think OP (and many of us here) would do herself a disservice leaving her DH in the hopes of finding a soulmate and happiness through them. OP, I'm in a situation that isn't totally different than yours and if I get brave enough to fix it by leaving, I will be seeking happiness by myself and will never rely on reciprocity from a man again.

PP here. Baloney. The poor woman is quite simply married to a childish POS who doesn’t love her.

Read what she wrote. He doesn’t communicate, doesn’t keep a clean and tidy house, argues, shouts, has tantrums, and then still thinks he deserves a sexual relationship with his wife. And his wife is so warped by it all that she’s posting here asking if she needs sex counseling!!!

Now compare that to a tried and true definition of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

HE DOES NOT LOVE HER.

Telling a woman to stay in a so-called “marriage” with someone who doesn’t love them is sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

He works “24/7” but does not contribute? WTF do you do? Spend his money? Su$k his dic& and maybe he would not be so grumpy. Men have needs too.

[Anonymous]

No idea.

Men don’t seem to understand that it is nearly impossible for women to enjoy sex with someone who is hostile/negative/rude to them. Even if you try to go through the motions and have sex even when you don’t want to (in hopes of improving the marriage… and that his day to day attitude & treatment of you improves) they can obviously tell. And then will complain about the sex not being good. If some women can fake enthusiasm in this situation, seriously HOW? I could never figure it out.

It isn’t even about much discussed “emotional connection” in this sort of situation…but simply being treated politely/nicely for a period of time. And most guys like this can’t even seem to manage that.

It could definitely be some mental health issues on his end that is causing the behavior, but BTDT and I never found a solution.

I will say that arguing about household chores (or household habits like leaving stuff lying stuff around) to the degree it harms the marriage is usually not worth it. Unless it is something very extreme (hoarding behaviors or something truly unsanitary) or is negatively affecting the kids healthy or safety.

[Anonymous]

You can either divorce him, or stay and live with the consequences of your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

She means that constantly threatening him with divorce is a recipe for a huge fight, but that if it weren’t, she would be dropping the big-D bomb into their daily convos with some regularity. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like this for a few years when our kids were little. We made a huge move to a city where we knew no one for his job. He is a little bit of a narcissist in that he likes to believe he is better at things than other people. When he was the new person at work, he obviously wasn’t the best, so he stayed late and left early. When he was home, he really needed to feel like he was in charge, and would get angry if he felt like he was being ignored or treated like a servant at home. And as you know, when you have young kids, you are kind of their servant in a lot of ways.

In my situation, I did have sex with him whenever I wasn’t too physically exhausted. At least he was a little bit better, nicer, kinder when we were having sex.
My husband wasn’t always like that though, and after a few years, when he got to be good at his job,

[Anonymous]

I hit send too soon…after five years or so, when he got to be really good at his job and the kids got easier, he went back to being the kind of man he used to be, and we are really happy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

I don't understand this.

I do. He would do his best to make her life and the kids lives miserable if she left. He wouldn’t just disappear into the ether and do his own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

I don't understand this.

I do. He would do his best to make her life and the kids lives miserable if she left. He wouldn’t just disappear into the ether and do his own thing.

Simply excuses. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

How does he work 24/7 but do nothing for the family? Where is he spending his money?

Since you work full time and are the main breadwinner and provider, I would just divorce. It doesn’t appear he is ever present and you say he contributes nothing so it doesn’t seem anyone would notice he was gone. And I highly doubt he would rearrange his life sufficiently to want custody. Whatever he is putting his money towards will still need that income and he might have child support on top of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

I don't understand this.

I do. He would do his best to make her life and the kids lives miserable if she left. He wouldn’t just disappear into the ether and do his own thing.

He’s making them miserable now.

What people misunderstand about divorce is that the whole point is to get rid of someone you do not want to live with. It doesn’t solve everything but it certainly solves that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he work 24/7 but do nothing for the family? Where is he spending his money?

Since you work full time and are the main breadwinner and provider, I would just divorce. It doesn’t appear he is ever present and you say he contributes nothing so it doesn’t seem anyone would notice he was gone. And I highly doubt he would rearrange his life sufficiently to want custody. Whatever he is putting his money towards will still need that income and he might have child support on top of that.

You think that this guy won’t rearrange his life sufficiently to want to have any kind of custody?
I highly doubt it.
Outward appearances are everything to a guy like this. Maybe he wouldn’t have fought for custody 40 years ago, but in 2025, you get 50/50 custody unless something is wrong with you.