The mental part of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman? If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

I don't understand this.

I do. He would do his best to make her life and the kids lives miserable if she left. He wouldn’t just disappear into the ether and do his own thing.

He’s making them miserable now.

What people misunderstand about divorce is that the whole point is to get rid of someone you do not want to live with. It doesn’t solve everything but it certainly solves that.

He’s developmentally a child.

Coparenting with a high income (or low income) selfish narcissist is still traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman? If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

Maybe she’s working “tirelessly” at her own career plus managing the whole household herself plus raising the kids herself, all whilst being undermined by her incompetent, neglectful, temper tantruming husband.

Sounds like they are at the stage where they ignore each other entirely. Yet he still thinks he can smile once in a while and pressure sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he work 24/7 but do nothing for the family? Where is he spending his money?

Since you work full time and are the main breadwinner and provider, I would just divorce. It doesn’t appear he is ever present and you say he contributes nothing so it doesn’t seem anyone would notice he was gone. And I highly doubt he would rearrange his life sufficiently to want custody. Whatever he is putting his money towards will still need that income and he might have child support on top of that.

I doubt he is spending the money on anything productive. It’s not like he’s founding a charity or even has another family. It’s probably in the stock market. He probably imagines that he is either going to use it to retire early, do something to generate passive income, or create some kind of generational wealth where he will be the founder of his own small dynasty.


It is probably true that OP threatening to take half of it and asking for child support would wake him up and get him to work on changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea.

Men don’t seem to understand that it is nearly impossible for women to enjoy sex with someone who is hostile/negative/rude to them.

Even if you try to go through the motions and have sex even when you don’t want to (in hopes of improving the marriage… and that his day to day attitude & treatment of you improves) they can obviously tell. And then will complain about the sex not being good. If some women can fake enthusiasm in this situation, seriously HOW? I could never figure it out.

It isn’t even about much discussed “emotional connection” in this sort of situation…but simply being treated politely/nicely for a period of time. And most guys like this can’t even seem to manage that.

It could definitely be some mental health issues on his end that is causing the behavior, but BTDT and I never found a solution.

I will say that arguing about household chores (or household habits like leaving stuff lying stuff around) to the degree it harms the marriage is usually not worth it. Unless it is something very extreme (hoarding behaviors or something truly unsanitary) or is negatively affecting the kids healthy or safety.

+1. Thoughtful post at the heart of the matter, one matter at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman? If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

That guy’s wife is having sex with him.
“Dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex” to be exact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman?

Not being sarcastic here, but I'm not quite following your question to my previous post. Or, maybe it's so obvious to me that it's hard for me to remember that it's NOT obvious to everyone, and I need to try and convey it.

The harmonious counterpoint to a man who strives with 100% effort to make the most of his talents for the sake of the marriage, is a woman who strives with 100% effort to make the most of her talents for the sake of the marriage.

As always, I feel like this is a damn good place to start...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But the answer in practice varies from woman to woman, and man to man, and marriage to marriage. My wife's specific talents are too numerous to list. Offhand, she's REALLY good at her job and has a great analytical mind, and that has led to a job where she's reasonably successful and fulfilled. Yet she has not let work dominate the balance of her life; she has chosen (totally her choice) to decline promotion offers into supervision, because she knows that dealing with people would frustrate her and spill over into personal / family / parenting time. She's extremely thoughtful and emotionally intelligent, whereas I'm more of the aloof, tweedy academic type, so she has allowed us to have "couples" friendships that I wouldn't have successfully maintained without her. She has a few hobbies that she's passionate about and well-known for among our friend group and community for those talents, but she doesn't feel like she deserves ridiculous amounts of "me time" -- just like I don't think I deserve selfish amounts of "me time" either, since my wedding vows were to be part of a two-person, life-long team. We have eventually developed an appreciation for each other's interests, so hobbies have also become shared time, rather than time apart. She's healthy and fashionable, but not obsessively / narcissistically so; thus in that regard she inspires me to think a bit more about having a complimentary wardrobe at a time of life where it would be really easy to stop giving a damn about that as a man.

Anonymous wrote:
If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

Maybe, but my take was... that sort of approach is putting the cart before the horse. Maybe we're only getting her side of the story, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment and believe that the husband is a childish a-hole.

Men don't take much to feel like having sex. Women need an emotional connection. This guy is a putz who has emotionally abandoned his wife. If he can't see this and won't make the first move by pulling himself together, then I'd say he's a lost cause.

It's not her job to initiate fixing this by having more sex. Being a loving wife is not the same as being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

We only have one side of the story. What op said could be true or she could be equally exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman?

Not being sarcastic here, but I'm not quite following your question to my previous post. Or, maybe it's so obvious to me that it's hard for me to remember that it's NOT obvious to everyone, and I need to try and convey it.

The harmonious counterpoint to a man who strives with 100% effort to make the most of his talents for the sake of the marriage, is a woman who strives with 100% effort to make the most of her talents for the sake of the marriage.

As always, I feel like this is a damn good place to start...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But the answer in practice varies from woman to woman, and man to man, and marriage to marriage. My wife's specific talents are too numerous to list. Offhand, she's REALLY good at her job and has a great analytical mind, and that has led to a job where she's reasonably successful and fulfilled. Yet she has not let work dominate the balance of her life; she has chosen (totally her choice) to decline promotion offers into supervision, because she knows that dealing with people would frustrate her and spill over into personal / family / parenting time. She's extremely thoughtful and emotionally intelligent, whereas I'm more of the aloof, tweedy academic type, so she has allowed us to have "couples" friendships that I wouldn't have successfully maintained without her. She has a few hobbies that she's passionate about and well-known for among our friend group and community for those talents, but she doesn't feel like she deserves ridiculous amounts of "me time" -- just like I don't think I deserve selfish amounts of "me time" either, since my wedding vows were to be part of a two-person, life-long team. We have eventually developed an appreciation for each other's interests, so hobbies have also become shared time, rather than time apart. She's healthy and fashionable, but not obsessively / narcissistically so; thus in that regard she inspires me to think a bit more about having a complimentary wardrobe at a time of life where it would be really easy to stop giving a damn about that as a man.

Anonymous wrote:
If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

Maybe, but my take was... that sort of approach is putting the cart before the horse. Maybe we're only getting her side of the story, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment and believe that the husband is a childish a-hole.

Men don't take much to feel like having sex. Women need an emotional connection. This guy is a putz who has emotionally abandoned his wife. If he can't see this and won't make the first move by pulling himself together, then I'd say he's a lost cause.

It's not her job to initiate fixing this by having more sex. Being a loving wife is not the same as being a doormat.

You have any idea how op’s marriage is. Reading ur entire post along with u giving op the benefit of doubt without knowing ANY facts makes you sound like an ass kisser.

[Anonymous]

* no idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the book “The Body Keeps Score.”

In don’t know if it will have a response to give your delinquent husband when he’s jonesing for sex, but it may help in general. As for the former I’d brush him off but someone that self-absorbed & dense may find a side piece or run off to start another family.

That book doesn't apply here...

Op you're over him deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

She means that constantly threatening him with divorce is a recipe for a huge fight, but that if it weren’t, she would be dropping the big-D bomb into their daily convos with some regularity. Go figure.

My bet is HE is the one who shuts down conversations by making threats. About the children or about divorce or about “taking everything away”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman?

Not being sarcastic here, but I'm not quite following your question to my previous post. Or, maybe it's so obvious to me that it's hard for me to remember that it's NOT obvious to everyone, and I need to try and convey it.

The harmonious counterpoint to a man who strives with 100% effort to make the most of his talents for the sake of the marriage, is a woman who strives with 100% effort to make the most of her talents for the sake of the marriage.

As always, I feel like this is a damn good place to start...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But the answer in practice varies from woman to woman, and man to man, and marriage to marriage. My wife's specific talents are too numerous to list. Offhand, she's REALLY good at her job and has a great analytical mind, and that has led to a job where she's reasonably successful and fulfilled. Yet she has not let work dominate the balance of her life; she has chosen (totally her choice) to decline promotion offers into supervision, because she knows that dealing with people would frustrate her and spill over into personal / family / parenting time. She's extremely thoughtful and emotionally intelligent, whereas I'm more of the aloof, tweedy academic type, so she has allowed us to have "couples" friendships that I wouldn't have successfully maintained without her. She has a few hobbies that she's passionate about and well-known for among our friend group and community for those talents, but she doesn't feel like she deserves ridiculous amounts of "me time" -- just like I don't think I deserve selfish amounts of "me time" either, since my wedding vows were to be part of a two-person, life-long team. We have eventually developed an appreciation for each other's interests, so hobbies have also become shared time, rather than time apart. She's healthy and fashionable, but not obsessively / narcissistically so; thus in that regard she inspires me to think a bit more about having a complimentary wardrobe at a time of life where it would be really easy to stop giving a damn about that as a man.

Anonymous wrote:
If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

Maybe, but my take was... that sort of approach is putting the cart before the horse. Maybe we're only getting her side of the story, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment and believe that the husband is a childish a-hole.

Men don't take much to feel like having sex. Women need an emotional connection. This guy is a putz who has emotionally abandoned his wife. If he can't see this and won't make the first move by pulling himself together, then I'd say he's a lost cause.

It's not her job to initiate fixing this by having more sex. Being a loving wife is not the same as being a doormat.

That’s great advice to OP, just don’t do it and save your self respect and sanity.
No one wants to sleep with a ManChild, or an angry, rude ManChild.

As for him, it seems clear he isn’t going to work in his issues or shortcomings. The stakes are already high. So do you advise him to divorce and find someone to love him and vice versa? He isn’t loving towards his current wife, in fact he seems to be in over his skis with a job, wife, home, and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

Even I can tell that something is not adding up math-years-wise and I am not very good at math

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

In your world, what does a woman have to do for her husband to be considered a real woman? If she also needs to tirelessly give 100% day and night to attend to and honour her husband in order to be a real woman, then she is probably having sex with him.

That guy’s wife is having sex with him.
“Dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex” to be exact.

She definitely is.

Totally.