The mental part of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy to learn why you up with this. Sex is the least of your worries.

+1 goodness. Fix the relationship. I could not have sex with someone like that. I would be utterly disgusted by such a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

Even I can tell that something is not adding up math-years-wise and I am not very good at math

I don’t get what you don’t get. We got married while in the middle of our undergrad degrees, because her parents basically gave her no financial support and we knew we were destined to be together, so we just tied the knot. We had twins at 36 and they’re finally off to college this autumn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

Even I can tell that something is not adding up math-years-wise and I am not very good at math

I don’t get what you don’t get. We got married while in the middle of our undergrad degrees, because her parents basically gave her no financial support and we knew we were destined to be together, so we just tied the knot. We had twins at 36 and they’re finally off to college this autumn.

New poster…
Your use of the word “camp”
Gives we don’t have kids going off to college this fall

That’s all. Thanks for clarifying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

Even I can tell that something is not adding up math-years-wise and I am not very good at math

I don’t get what you don’t get. We got married while in the middle of our undergrad degrees, because her parents basically gave her no financial support and we knew we were destined to be together, so we just tied the knot. We had twins at 36 and they’re finally off to college this autumn.

What’s you do for 16 married years before kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

I don’t mind your overall post and points.
But how are you married 34 years and have kids who are still camp age or living at home?

We married young. And then a couple twins came much later than the first one.

By “camp” I mean an engineering camp… not cub scouts. Thank heavens they’re off to college this fall. The empty nest can’t come fast enough.

Even I can tell that something is not adding up math-years-wise and I am not very good at math

I don’t get what you don’t get. We got married while in the middle of our undergrad degrees, because her parents basically gave her no financial support and we knew we were destined to be together, so we just tied the knot. We had twins at 36 and they’re finally off to college this autumn.

New poster…
Your use of the word “camp”
Gives we don’t have kids going off to college this fall

That’s all. Thanks for clarifying

It’s an engineering / STEM camp. This pair turned out well…

Part of that may be having them later in our mid-30s. I think we were better able to guide them and certainly better set financially to give them extracurricular opportunities.

But I can’t wait to have them out of the house. The sex is great with 30+ years of experience and the emotional connection which is the topic of this thread, but infrequent when you have kids and their friends coming and going at all times of the day and night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy to learn why you up with this. Sex is the least of your worries.

+1 goodness. Fix the relationship. I could not have sex with someone like that. I would be utterly disgusted by such a person.

+1. Except that this goes full circle pretty quickly to two bad choices given the kids: divorce & coparent with a psychological abuser, or live parallel lives “together”.

Either way, no more sex with each other.

[Anonymous]

Btw, what’s that called with a guy goes off on his wife over some petty thing he doesn’t want to do or fix. And then hours later acts like he didn’t just blow up, acts flirty and talks about sex?

That’s sounds psycho to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

That all seems like he’s bullying you whenever you talk about life or anything or need something. And then teasing about sex. Gross.

I’d divorce or ignore him back. It’d be hard not to treat him like the temper tantruming selfish child that he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw, what’s that called with a guy goes off on his wife over some petty thing he doesn’t want to do or fix. And then hours later acts like he didn’t just blow up, acts flirty and talks about sex?

That’s sounds psycho to me.

There’s something very OFF with people like that.

[Anonymous]

Our therapist told us this comes up all the time. It's a classic chicken and the egg problem. Husband wants sex fixed. Wife wants the issues causing resentment, leading to a loss of intimacy, fixed. DH, for example, is like 100x nicer to me when we have sex regularly, and a complete a** when we don't. If you can't afford the time or money for counseling, we ended up seeking a compromise: sex x times per week, and DH has a list of clearly defined responsibilities around the house.

[Anonymous]

Who enforces this PP?
Are their actual consequences or just more “chicken or the egg” problems and excuses?

[Anonymous]

I guess I have a problem when one spouse /parent operates 100% for themselves all the time.

And the other spouse/ parent must then do all the family, home and life obligations, and some stuff for themselves.

Can’t imagine a family where BOTH parents operated solely in their personal interests - their individual work, sleep, food, sex. House would look like $hit, kids would be in their own neglected, nothing would get done, assets would get destroyed as no one was caring for them.

Unf there are indeed “families” like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist told us this comes up all the time. It's a classic chicken and the egg problem. Husband wants sex fixed. Wife wants the issues causing resentment, leading to a loss of intimacy, fixed. DH, for example, is like 100x nicer to me when we have sex regularly, and a complete a** when we don't. If you can't afford the time or money for counseling, we ended up seeking a compromise: sex x times per week, and DH has a list of clearly defined responsibilities around the house.

Sex if chores are done ?
Yeah No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

That all seems like he’s bullying you whenever you talk about life or anything or need something. And then teasing about sex. Gross.

I’d divorce or ignore him back. It’d be hard not to treat him like the temper tantruming selfish child that he is.

It’s one thing if your life partner ignores everyone but is generally kind. Still bad and neglectful though.
It is really damaging if they ignore everyone and then lash out when someone makes a request or asks a question.

Have the kids started copying his poor behavior to get what they want? I have imagine he learned this as a child, it paid off, and he continues it as an adult. But at home only.