The mental part of sex

[Anonymous]

Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

[Anonymous]

You need therapy to learn why you up with this. Sex is the least of your worries.

[Anonymous]

Read the book “The Body Keeps Score.”

In don’t know if it will have a response to give your delinquent husband when he’s jonesing for sex, but it may help in general. As for the former I’d brush him off but someone that self-absorbed & dense may find a side piece or run off to start another family.

[Anonymous]

“Sex is not natural with people you can’t stand. At least not for women.”

[Anonymous]

Does he earn a ton of money? Can you get a housekeeper?

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand why someone would choose a life partner like this. There are 9 billion people on the planet. It's not like there aren't other options. You live once. Choose better and do it soon. Settling for a lifetime of that crap is just giving up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

Divorce.
Stop the excuses to stay in a crappy marriage that won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Stop the excuse. Get a divorce. You are worse than him if you stay.
Mine said, 'sex is just what women are supposed to do'. Didn't know the dude was SN. I left and life is so much better.

[Anonymous]

You divorce and stop catastrophizing about his supposed disorders.

[Anonymous]

I bet you hound the sh*t out of him. He's probably more miserable than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you hound the sh*t out of him. He's probably more miserable than you are.

+100000

[Anonymous]

The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wife and I have been married 34 years. Best friends and totally inseparable. Kids were away at camps this week so we went hiking, out to dinner and attended a wine tasting. We had dirty-talking, hair-pulling, mind blowing sex three times, which is hard to manage when kids are around, including this morning — after tormenting her with half an hour of nibbling foreplay which drives her wild.

You’re not married to a real man. A real man works tirelessly, both mentally and physically, to attend to and honor his wife. And I don’t just mean at work. Everyone is tired after a day of work, but a real man keeps up the 100% effort after hours to serve his wife and kids. Only that selflessness develops the emotional connection women need to feel sexually connected.

Leave him ASAP and hopefully you’ll still have plenty of years to find your soulmate and have the happiness you deserve.

NP and OP, I would be crushed to read this comment even though I know it's intended to bring you to reality and help you see your situation. If there were so many great men out in the world, I think this forum would disappear. Finding one is easier said than done. PP, I'm glad that you exist and that you have a healthy relationship and perspective on your responsibility to your wife, but I think OP (and many of us here) would do herself a disservice leaving her DH in the hopes of finding a soulmate and happiness through them. OP, I'm in a situation that isn't totally different than yours and if I get brave enough to fix it by leaving, I will be seeking happiness by myself and will never rely on reciprocity from a man again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is not great and never was since having kids. He works 24/7 and doesn’t talk to us nor do much for the house, makes a lot of messes and leaves them. And argues and shouts a lot when asked something. Usually to deflect away from something he forgot or broke or messed up. This pattern has existed for 10+ years now. The whole household is set up to not bother him; divorce is off the table due to his narcissistic tendencies, naïveté, and diagnosed disorders.

I’m not interested in having sex with him. I don’t feel safe or secure amount him, I also don’t feel like being vulnerable like that with him. He basically needs to start over with me. I have told him that over the years, a few times. He prefers to act like a goofball and say stuff like “sex is natural, what’s your problem?” So I’m the bad guy.

Nothing is better on the homefront, we all walk on eggshells so he doesn’t temper tantrum. He doesn’t pitch in to anything unless he’s around, is asked, and feels like it.

What do women do in these situations? Sex counseling? The root of the problem is the lack of a reliable life partner. Just stuff down all the hurt and have sex? Focus on other life aspects (been doing this).

I don't understand this.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? My kids and I were also walking on eggshells. Now they feel relief being in a true peaceful home. I suggest therapy for yourself first. He will not change.