Nurturing this friendship while honoring my time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

I would not cancel the class.
Text the mom and say that you can leave the girls unsupervised or they can come with you to the gym and wait outside the door.
I would also ask the mom what are the specific concerns. If there is some weird custody issue or the girl is a suicide risk or has a medical condition, you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

I would not cancel the class.
Text the mom and say that you can leave the girls unsupervised or they can come with you to the gym and wait outside the door.
I would also ask the mom what are the specific concerns. If there is some weird custody issue or the girl is a suicide risk or has a medical condition, you need to know.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would have an honest conversation with the other mom. She needs to know that her combination of strict rules plus inattention to time is causing a hardship — it either needs to be one or the other (or ideally neither).

“Can you tell me more about why you’re reluctant to allow Larla and Darla to be at my house without an adult home, even temporarily. The reason I ask is that our family’s schedule — and especially mine — isn’t really set up to guarantee 100% constant supervision the way we did when the girls were little. Sometimes I need to run out for a quick errand. And sometimes I have plans immediately following Larla’s planned pickup time. If that time comes and goes and she’s still here, I feel like I have to choose between upsetting you by leaving them alone, or having to cancel my appointment at the last minute. Which can be both frustrating and expensive.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dd14 has a friend with a strict mom. As far as DD can tell, the mom is simply anxious, the friend isn’t a troublemaker, but who knows what the history is there. Whatever the case, I’m struggling.

I WFH and the mom has dropped her off a few times before she heads to work so the girls can hang out, and then the girl gets picked up, sometimes by mom, sometimes by someone else. But the mom doesn’t want her to be here alone (it’s just me and DD and our other DD, so the issue isn’t men) and doesn’t allow her to be home alone.

The issue I’m running into lately is that either something comes up and I need to run out, or something happens and the girl’s ride falls through and I have to leave the house before the mom (or whoever) can grab her. The thing is, I can’t even drop her off since she can’t be home alone. Two times now I’ve had to cancel plans while we wait for someone to grab this girl, and it’s starting to feel like babysitting.

DD is scared that if I say something, she won’t be allowed over anymore, and it’s one of her best friends. How should I handle this? I can’t keep getting stuck where I can’t leave my house whenever nobody can pick the girl up! But at the same time, I feel for DD because she doesn’t have that many close friends.

1. If the girl is getting dropped off and you know you have plans, tell the mom that you have to leave by X o'clock, then just leave. If unexpected things are your issue, tell her ahead of time that you may have to leave randomly.

2. I think you’re not telling the whole story though. Are you also leaving your daughter at their home and you don’t care if the girls are alone, but you know for certain that they are not?

3. Like other pps have said, if there is a health issue it’s understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

I would take both girls with me in this case and sit outside the class. Or make them go to get your oil changed etc. Dd’s friend will complain and it will work itself out. I would think to be that they can stay alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an honest conversation with the other mom. She needs to know that her combination of strict rules plus inattention to time is causing a hardship — it either needs to be one or the other (or ideally neither).

“Can you tell me more about why you’re reluctant to allow Larla and Darla to be at my house without an adult home, even temporarily. The reason I ask is that our family’s schedule — and especially mine — isn’t really set up to guarantee 100% constant supervision the way we did when the girls were little. Sometimes I need to run out for a quick errand. And sometimes I have plans immediately following Larla’s planned pickup time. If that time comes and goes and she’s still here, I feel like I have to choose between upsetting you by leaving them alone, or having to cancel my appointment at the last minute. Which can be both frustrating and expensive.”

I wish everyone in my life communicated this directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have an honest conversation with the other mom. She needs to know that her combination of strict rules plus inattention to time is causing a hardship — it either needs to be one or the other (or ideally neither).

“Can you tell me more about why you’re reluctant to allow Larla and Darla to be at my house without an adult home, even temporarily. The reason I ask is that our family’s schedule — and especially mine — isn’t really set up to guarantee 100% constant supervision the way we did when the girls were little. Sometimes I need to run out for a quick errand. And sometimes I have plans immediately following Larla’s planned pickup time. If that time comes and goes and she’s still here, I feel like I have to choose between upsetting you by leaving them alone, or having to cancel my appointment at the last minute. Which can be both frustrating and expensive.”

I wish everyone in my life communicated this directly.

+1

And I feel it’s very much appropriate to ask the mother directly in this case given the amount of time the girl spends at your home.

I wonder if this is just a “blanket rule” she hasn’t put much thought into (and also does not realize how it is inconveniencing you).

There are definitely instances where I don’t want my 14yo at a friend’s home unsupervised (parties or group gatherings where a parent will not be home, for example) and plenty of parents feel similarly. Many parents are not fans of sleepovers as a rule. But for a short time at a (presumably trustworthy) best friend’s house, without good reason? Very unusual for this age.

Just ask.

[Anonymous]

I think that all you can do here is enforce your own boundaries.

“Hi Larla, I understand Larlette is coming over at 12:30- great! Larlette is welcome to stay as long as she likes, but wanted to let you know that I will be leaving at 3:10 for an appointment, so you can plan pickup time as you see fit. Thanks!”

OR

“Hi Larla, it seems the girls have planned to hang out at our house this afternoon. Wanted to let you know that I do have a few errands to run during this time, and will be gone for about an hour. If you would prefer the girls hang out at your house, LMK. Thanks!”

I would feel entirely absurd doing the above with a 14yo but would do it for my DD (and the girl).

Zero chance I would be late to an appointment over this. The mother has been notified. I wonder if once the inconvenience falls upon her (ugh, I have to pick Larlette up by 3:10) she might relax her rules a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

I would not cancel the class.
Text the mom and say that you can leave the girls unsupervised or they can come with you to the gym and wait outside the door.
I would also ask the mom what are the specific concerns. If there is some weird custody issue or the girl is a suicide risk or has a medical condition, you need to know.

The custody thing happened to me once- with a friend of my DS. The boys were 12 or 13 at the time. The dad (her exh) was an abusive drunk & the mom had a restraining order against him….so the mom confided in me, asking that I never leave him alone and keep a close watch if I take the boys anywhere. I appreciated the heads up. Just in case.

I was happy to do so, and there was never a problem. (Four years later, mom is happily remarried and the family is thriving. The friend rarely sees his dad, who has not improved much since. But is peaceful.)

[Anonymous]

1) Absolutely do NOT just leave them alone for 15 mins while you run an errand. Yes, this mom is being crazy, but it’s her kid, it’s her call, and she’s been very upfront with you about her expectations. Additionally, talking to the mom or setting boundaries has some risk to the friendship, sure, but getting “caught” leaving the kids home alone guarantees ending the friendship immediately, it’ll be your fault, your kid will be pissed at you and she’ll be right. Do. Not. Do. This.

2) It seems really manageable, if annoying, to not leave the house during planned times when this girl is over. Run your errands at other times, and if an emergency or something urgent pops up, bring them. That really seems like a manageable thing to tolerate in exchange for this friendship for your daughter.

3) The late pickups are a different story. Once, sure, stuff happens, plans fall through. Annoying, but such is life. You miss your class or whatever and shrug your shoulders. However you say this has happened twice recently? So I’m assuming twice in, say, 5 visits or less? That’s a pattern, it’s super rude, and this would really bother me.

The truth is, this problem isn’t really the “no being home alone” rule. The problem is that she isn’t being picked up on time, and her tardiness is making you late. You’re fixating on the mom’s rule because to you, that seems like the obvious solution to the problem. But there are actually a ton of ways for the other mom to solve this problem without her daughter having to be unsupervised.

So what I would do is, anytimr she is coming over that you have plans after, make it very clear to the mom that you have to leave at a certain time. “Yes, we’d love to have Larla for the day. However, I need to leave the house by 6:15, so you’ll need to have her picked up before then.”

Then, if she cancels or is running late, you put the ball in HER court. “Oh, I’m so sorry her ride fell through! Unfortunately, I have to leave the house at 6:15. How would you like me to handle this? I’m happy to drop her somewhere on my way if you can send me an address?”

Let her solve the problem. If you’ve got a 14 year old who can’t be alone, you’re still operating the way the rest of us were when our kids were 7 - you’ve gotta figure out how to get there or how to get someone there. I would bet good money, since her being supervised is so important, she’ll figure something out.

If she responds with like a “oh gosh there is just no way I can get anyone there until 6:30” when you have WARNED her you had to leave at 6:15 in advance, then you say you’re so sorry, but the kids will not be supervised after you leave at 6:15. You do not have to make her lateness your problem when there is a perfectly legal solution as long as you are completely transparent and upfront about it from jump.

[Anonymous]

What’s her childcare plan while she’s at work then?
I’d start saying that Larla is welcome to come over on Monday next week but Tuesday you have to run an errand for an hour and Weds you have a quick dentist appt….. hope the girls csn hang out again at the end of the week……. Or similar

[Anonymous]

I would say great during this time to this time I will be home and will not leave her alone. But at this time, I will be leaving for a class, no matter what. So if you are late, she will be left at home with my child. And then that is that. And that is up to her to be there if she does not want her child to be unsupervised. It is no longer your problem.

[Anonymous]

Do your errands in the morning and invite friend over in the afternoon. Done. What errand is so critical it can’t wait an hour or a day?

If you have pre-scheduled activities with hard deadlines, it isn’t a hang out day.

[Anonymous]

I will say that there were a surprising number of posters on DCUM in another thread who wouldn’t leave their 15 year old home alone with a friend. I was pretty surprised. I would leave my 10 year old home alone with a friend I knew & trusted for a short period. But just flagging that this sort of rule might be less unusual than you think.

I would definitely just flag hard deadlines in advance and ask her how to deal with it if she’s late (you not going isn’t an option). I think not running out in the middle of a hang out — absent an emergency, in which case you bring the girls — isn’t that big of an ask.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has a close friend with a mother like this and it’s starting to affect their friendship because I won’t lie or drastically alter plans like that. They are starting to hang out less but that’s life. They are going into 9th grade next year and her mother is too strict.

I am happy to take them places but can’t promise to stay in every store at the mall or restaurant. They don’t want me there and I won’t lie about it. Things like that. My daughter has asked if I will drop them off and pick them up and pretend I’m with them the entire time but I won’t lie.

She’s always welcome to be at our house.