Nurturing this friendship while honoring my time?

[Anonymous]

Dd14 has a friend with a strict mom. As far as DD can tell, the mom is simply anxious, the friend isn’t a troublemaker, but who knows what the history is there. Whatever the case, I’m struggling.

I WFH and the mom has dropped her off a few times before she heads to work so the girls can hang out, and then the girl gets picked up, sometimes by mom, sometimes by someone else. But the mom doesn’t want her to be here alone (it’s just me and DD and our other DD, so the issue isn’t men) and doesn’t allow her to be home alone.

The issue I’m running into lately is that either something comes up and I need to run out, or something happens and the girl’s ride falls through and I have to leave the house before the mom (or whoever) can grab her. The thing is, I can’t even drop her off since she can’t be home alone. Two times now I’ve had to cancel plans while we wait for someone to grab this girl, and it’s starting to feel like babysitting.

DD is scared that if I say something, she won’t be allowed over anymore, and it’s one of her best friends. How should I handle this? I can’t keep getting stuck where I can’t leave my house whenever nobody can pick the girl up! But at the same time, I feel for DD because she doesn’t have that many close friends.

[Anonymous]

I just wouldn’t have the patience for this, so, sorry DD!

[Anonymous]

I think in your shoes I would think through whose needs I was prioritising. If I felt like this friendship was really important to my DD and for whatever reason being accommodating helped to keep it going to be honest I’d probably just suck it up for a bit. They’re 14, this won’t go on much longer. But for sure, I would not prioritise the needs of an unreasonably anxious Mom just for the heck of it.

[Anonymous]

Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in your shoes I would think through whose needs I was prioritising. If I felt like this friendship was really important to my DD and for whatever reason being accommodating helped to keep it going to be honest I’d probably just suck it up for a bit. They’re 14, this won’t go on much longer. But for sure, I would not prioritise the needs of an unreasonably anxious Mom just for the heck of it.

The first time it happened I texted her and told her I had to leave, she sort of melted down. I tried to reassure her that it would be short, a half hour tops, and our tattle tale younger DD would be there to chaperone (half joking) but nope.

I’m honestly thinking I won’t ask permission next time and just hope she never finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure that the mom would be angry if you left her alone while you run your errand or whatever? Why don't you just text the mom and say "Oh gosh, I have to go grab xyz. The girls are shooting baskets in the driveway while they wait for her ride to show up. They had a great time hanging out together." -- or something along those lines. If the mom freaks out, well that's on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that the mom would be angry if you left her alone while you run your errand or whatever? Why don't you just text the mom and say "Oh gosh, I have to go grab xyz. The girls are shooting baskets in the driveway while they wait for her ride to show up. They had a great time hanging out together." -- or something along those lines. If the mom freaks out, well that's on her.

She explicitly told me when we met that she doesn’t want her alone in a house and doesn’t allow her home alone at their house, either. I realized she was rigid and unwilling to budge when I first texted her something similar, as explained above. It’s really bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that the mom would be angry if you left her alone while you run your errand or whatever? Why don't you just text the mom and say "Oh gosh, I have to go grab xyz. The girls are shooting baskets in the driveway while they wait for her ride to show up. They had a great time hanging out together." -- or something along those lines. If the mom freaks out, well that's on her.

She explicitly told me when we met that she doesn’t want her alone in a house and doesn’t allow her home alone at their house, either. I realized she was rigid and unwilling to budge when I first texted her something similar, as explained above. It’s really bizarre.

Well, then you have a choice to make...

[Anonymous]

I probably wouldn’t say anything but I wouldn’t have her over anymore unless you don’t have anything to do that day. You shouldn’t have to babysit her teenager. Maybe she could be invited on an outing or a sleepover(if she’s allowed those) instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these places you're running out to places you could just bring the kids?

Today, I had a class scheduled at the gym, so not always. Mom was running late and so I had to cancel my class.

This is crazy. So this woman is both anxious and inconsiderate. I feel you being stuck though.

Can your DD go to her house more? Where presumably mom is around to supervise.

[Anonymous]

I was the kid with the super strict mom. If I started to walk out of a room I got asked where (in the house) I was going. Closing my bedroom door wasn't allowed unless I was changing clothes or sleeping at night. I could go on and on - every way I turned, bumped into rules and limits. I was always desperate to get out of my house/away from my parents.

Please find a way. Maybe DD can go to her house? Maybe the mom can make an exception for your house? Maybe her friend can only come over for half a day rather than a whole workday?

[Anonymous]

Just go run your errand and don't tell the mom. Tell your kids, "back in 15 minutes, call if you need something" and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid with the super strict mom. If I started to walk out of a room I got asked where (in the house) I was going. Closing my bedroom door wasn't allowed unless I was changing clothes or sleeping at night. I could go on and on - every way I turned, bumped into rules and limits. I was always desperate to get out of my house/away from my parents.

Please find a way. Maybe DD can go to her house? Maybe the mom can make an exception for your house? Maybe her friend can only come over for half a day rather than a whole workday?

Wow this is mental illness. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

I can understand not being alone in a house for long periods of time but this is more than a strict parent.

Aren’t these girls going to be in high school next year?

Does the girl have a cell phone? Is her mom worried about her not being in contact?

How close are you with the mom? Can you inquire about the parameters? I can (as a stretch) understand not being alone in someone else’s house, but she cannot be alone in her own home for any period of time?

Does this girl have any medical conditions? I can understand certain conditions such as epilepsy or diabetes would make a parent anxious.

Sorry, I do not have a solution.