Nurturing this friendship while honoring my time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Absolutely do NOT just leave them alone for 15 mins while you run an errand. Yes, this mom is being crazy, but it’s her kid, it’s her call, and she’s been very upfront with you about her expectations. Additionally, talking to the mom or setting boundaries has some risk to the friendship, sure, but getting “caught” leaving the kids home alone guarantees ending the friendship immediately, it’ll be your fault, your kid will be pissed at you and she’ll be right. Do. Not. Do. This.

2) It seems really manageable, if annoying, to not leave the house during planned times when this girl is over. Run your errands at other times, and if an emergency or something urgent pops up, bring them. That really seems like a manageable thing to tolerate in exchange for this friendship for your daughter.

3) The late pickups are a different story. Once, sure, stuff happens, plans fall through. Annoying, but such is life. You miss your class or whatever and shrug your shoulders. However you say this has happened twice recently? So I’m assuming twice in, say, 5 visits or less? That’s a pattern, it’s super rude, and this would really bother me.

The truth is, this problem isn’t really the “no being home alone” rule. The problem is that she isn’t being picked up on time, and her tardiness is making you late. You’re fixating on the mom’s rule because to you, that seems like the obvious solution to the problem. But there are actually a ton of ways for the other mom to solve this problem without her daughter having to be unsupervised.

So what I would do is, anytimr she is coming over that you have plans after, make it very clear to the mom that you have to leave at a certain time. “Yes, we’d love to have Larla for the day. However, I need to leave the house by 6:15, so you’ll need to have her picked up before then.”

Then, if she cancels or is running late, you put the ball in HER court. “Oh, I’m so sorry her ride fell through! Unfortunately, I have to leave the house at 6:15. How would you like me to handle this? I’m happy to drop her somewhere on my way if you can send me an address?”

Let her solve the problem. If you’ve got a 14 year old who can’t be alone, you’re still operating the way the rest of us were when our kids were 7 - you’ve gotta figure out how to get there or how to get someone there. I would bet good money, since her being supervised is so important, she’ll figure something out.

If she responds with like a “oh gosh there is just no way I can get anyone there until 6:30” when you have WARNED her you had to leave at 6:15 in advance, then you say you’re so sorry, but the kids will not be supervised after you leave at 6:15. You do not have to make her lateness your problem when there is a perfectly legal solution as long as you are completely transparent and upfront about it from jump.

+1 my kids are much younger (so never unsupervised on a playdate or otherwise) and my first thought was to handle the same way. She needs to pick up on time if supervision is important to her but you need to be clear about end time / conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Absolutely do NOT just leave them alone for 15 mins while you run an errand. Yes, this mom is being crazy, but it’s her kid, it’s her call, and she’s been very upfront with you about her expectations. Additionally, talking to the mom or setting boundaries has some risk to the friendship, sure, but getting “caught” leaving the kids home alone guarantees ending the friendship immediately, it’ll be your fault, your kid will be pissed at you and she’ll be right. Do. Not. Do. This.

2) It seems really manageable, if annoying, to not leave the house during planned times when this girl is over. Run your errands at other times, and if an emergency or something urgent pops up, bring them. That really seems like a manageable thing to tolerate in exchange for this friendship for your daughter.

3) The late pickups are a different story. Once, sure, stuff happens, plans fall through. Annoying, but such is life. You miss your class or whatever and shrug your shoulders. However you say this has happened twice recently? So I’m assuming twice in, say, 5 visits or less? That’s a pattern, it’s super rude, and this would really bother me.

The truth is, this problem isn’t really the “no being home alone” rule. The problem is that she isn’t being picked up on time, and her tardiness is making you late. You’re fixating on the mom’s rule because to you, that seems like the obvious solution to the problem. But there are actually a ton of ways for the other mom to solve this problem without her daughter having to be unsupervised.

So what I would do is, anytimr she is coming over that you have plans after, make it very clear to the mom that you have to leave at a certain time. “Yes, we’d love to have Larla for the day. However, I need to leave the house by 6:15, so you’ll need to have her picked up before then.”

Then, if she cancels or is running late, you put the ball in HER court. “Oh, I’m so sorry her ride fell through! Unfortunately, I have to leave the house at 6:15. How would you like me to handle this? I’m happy to drop her somewhere on my way if you can send me an address?”

Let her solve the problem. If you’ve got a 14 year old who can’t be alone, you’re still operating the way the rest of us were when our kids were 7 - you’ve gotta figure out how to get there or how to get someone there. I would bet good money, since her being supervised is so important, she’ll figure something out.

If she responds with like a “oh gosh there is just no way I can get anyone there until 6:30” when you have WARNED her you had to leave at 6:15 in advance, then you say you’re so sorry, but the kids will not be supervised after you leave at 6:15. You do not have to make her lateness your problem when there is a perfectly legal solution as long as you are completely transparent and upfront about it from jump.

+1 my kids are much younger (so never unsupervised on a playdate or otherwise) and my first thought was to handle the same way. She needs to pick up on time if supervision is important to her but you need to be clear about end time / conflicts.

Another vote for being clear on end time AND on what happens if late- will you leave girl outside your house? At a Starbucks? Will you drive her somewhere out of your way if other mom is not there in time? Also be prepared to say no when the mom says it’s “okay” if the girl goes with you, etc. Beware the parents that take advantage and if allow 1 time, out stop to it or will never end.

[Anonymous]

Caution - one poster says, “if she cancels or is running late, you put the ball in HER court. “Oh, I’m so sorry her ride fell through! Unfortunately, I have to leave the house at 6:15. How would you like me to handle this? I’m happy to drop her somewhere on my way if you can send me an address?”

Do NOT offer an open-ended drop off! Say willing to drop her at girl’s house (if willing/it’s close) or Starbucks or put a distance on it or you WILL have a parent ask you to drop them at their cousin’s or nana’s or parent’s office v having someone come pick up and could WAY out of where you are going. And yes, some will purposefully not arrange a pickup to then say “oh could you just….”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in your shoes I would think through whose needs I was prioritising. If I felt like this friendship was really important to my DD and for whatever reason being accommodating helped to keep it going to be honest I’d probably just suck it up for a bit. They’re 14, this won’t go on much longer. But for sure, I would not prioritise the needs of an unreasonably anxious Mom just for the heck of it.

The first time it happened I texted her and told her I had to leave, she sort of melted down. I tried to reassure her that it would be short, a half hour tops, and our tattle tale younger DD would be there to chaperone (half joking) but nope.

I’m honestly thinking I won’t ask permission next time and just hope she never finds out.

What do you mean 'nope'. You're a grown up and another grown up is telling you how to spend your time? You my friend, have been duped into being an uncompensated nanny.

Homegirl should pay for a sitter if she's so concerned. It's almost July - what is this lady's summer plan for her kid?

[Anonymous]

14yo kids can babysit.

I would not have cancelled my exercise class if she was late. 14 year olds can be home alone for a few minutes.

I have an 8yo and I would wait for parents for 8yo of course. I also have 14 and 16yo boys. I vaguely remember when they were in upper elementary asking parents if it was ok to leave kids home alone while I pick up my daughter. They all said of course. For my two teen boys, parents are not even included barely when making plans. They prefer if we weren’t home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Absolutely do NOT just leave them alone for 15 mins while you run an errand. Yes, this mom is being crazy, but it’s her kid, it’s her call, and she’s been very upfront with you about her expectations. Additionally, talking to the mom or setting boundaries has some risk to the friendship, sure, but getting “caught” leaving the kids home alone guarantees ending the friendship immediately, it’ll be your fault, your kid will be pissed at you and she’ll be right. Do. Not. Do. This.

2) It seems really manageable, if annoying, to not leave the house during planned times when this girl is over. Run your errands at other times, and if an emergency or something urgent pops up, bring them. That really seems like a manageable thing to tolerate in exchange for this friendship for your daughter.

3) The late pickups are a different story. Once, sure, stuff happens, plans fall through. Annoying, but such is life. You miss your class or whatever and shrug your shoulders. However you say this has happened twice recently? So I’m assuming twice in, say, 5 visits or less? That’s a pattern, it’s super rude, and this would really bother me.

The truth is, this problem isn’t really the “no being home alone” rule. The problem is that she isn’t being picked up on time, and her tardiness is making you late. You’re fixating on the mom’s rule because to you, that seems like the obvious solution to the problem. But there are actually a ton of ways for the other mom to solve this problem without her daughter having to be unsupervised.

So what I would do is, anytimr she is coming over that you have plans after, make it very clear to the mom that you have to leave at a certain time. “Yes, we’d love to have Larla for the day. However, I need to leave the house by 6:15, so you’ll need to have her picked up before then.”

Then, if she cancels or is running late, you put the ball in HER court. “Oh, I’m so sorry her ride fell through! Unfortunately, I have to leave the house at 6:15. How would you like me to handle this? I’m happy to drop her somewhere on my way if you can send me an address?”

Let her solve the problem. If you’ve got a 14 year old who can’t be alone, you’re still operating the way the rest of us were when our kids were 7 - you’ve gotta figure out how to get there or how to get someone there. I would bet good money, since her being supervised is so important, she’ll figure something out.

If she responds with like a “oh gosh there is just no way I can get anyone there until 6:30” when you have WARNED her you had to leave at 6:15 in advance, then you say you’re so sorry, but the kids will not be supervised after you leave at 6:15. You do not have to make her lateness your problem when there is a perfectly legal solution as long as you are completely transparent and upfront about it from jump.

+1 my kids are much younger (so never unsupervised on a playdate or otherwise) and my first thought was to handle the same way. She needs to pick up on time if supervision is important to her but you need to be clear about end time / conflicts.

Another vote for being clear on end time AND on what happens if late- will you leave girl outside your house? At a Starbucks? Will you drive her somewhere out of your way if other mom is not there in time? Also be prepared to say no when the mom says it’s “okay” if the girl goes with you, etc. Beware the parents that take advantage and if allow 1 time, out stop to it or will never end.

I just posted that I had teens and an 8yo. When my older kids were younger, I have had late parents mess up my plans. Those were for kids younger than 10.

Since age 12, kids make plans on their own. There have been many times when I pick up my kid from a hang out and kids are waiting for a ride. No parents in sight.

This is really odd behavior. I would assume something traumatic has happened to either the mom or child. I once remember a mom being over the top protective of her child, the most I have ever seen. She later said she was sexually molested as a child so she never wants her daughter out of her sight.