Nurturing this friendship while honoring my time?

[Anonymous]

I would just be matter-of-fact. “I need to run out” and let the chips fall where they may. You’re not a babysitter and children this age absolutely don’t require 24 hr supervision. Her request is unreasonable as it does treat you like a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the mom if she isn’t picking her dd up by a certain time, you’ll be going to exercise class. Don’t waste money on her. The rest, I might try to be amenable. We had one mom who dragged kids around on errands at that age. Weird, but she was insisting on it, not me. DS thought it was odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in your shoes I would think through whose needs I was prioritising. If I felt like this friendship was really important to my DD and for whatever reason being accommodating helped to keep it going to be honest I’d probably just suck it up for a bit. They’re 14, this won’t go on much longer. But for sure, I would not prioritise the needs of an unreasonably anxious Mom just for the heck of it.

This.

[Anonymous]

In the thread about the mom coming home to find her 14 year old and his friends drinking, a bunch of people thought it was crazy to leave 14 year old's unsupervised. Or maybe it was this one mom (OP's DD's friend's mom) posting a whole lot.

Personally, I would not have much patience for this on a regular basis. Not being allowed to run out to do a 30 minute errand while two 14 year olds stay in your house is so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the thread about the mom coming home to find her 14 year old and his friends drinking, a bunch of people thought it was crazy to leave 14 year old's unsupervised. Or maybe it was this one mom (OP's DD's friend's mom) posting a whole lot.

Personally, I would not have much patience for this on a regular basis. Not being allowed to run out to do a 30 minute errand while two 14 year olds stay in your house is so ridiculous.

Interesting to think this through.

I wouldn't leave 14 year olds home alone all afternoon or all evening but would totally pop in and out and just be more generally present. I think teens this age need to feel like someone is around and might notice if they choose to get roaring drunk in the basement.

[Anonymous]

How did you manage it when she was 8 or 9 or 10 and you had friends over that you couldn’t leave?

Do that.

Or don’t, but don’t pretend like it’s some major impossibility. Does it limit your freedom? Sure. But you managed it for 10+ years, you can step back into the role if the friendship is important to your kid.

[Anonymous]

This isn't working.. This parent is outta' line and rude.

You need to gently push back on her visits in your home.

[Anonymous]

If mom is late, you leave. Tell her that. I will be here until 4 pm. After that, the kids will be on their own. It’s on her to get there on time.
And then stick to it.

[Anonymous]

The other mom is likely assuming that you are actually working all day and therefore not running out to exercise or do errands.

You need to make it clear that your work hours a flexible and you will not always be home all day. And you are not willing to give up this flexibility (which is ok). And be honest before the girl is dropped off - you have an exercise class at a certain time and will not be there. Perhaps the mom would be ok with the girls being dropped off at a local coffee shop ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an honest conversation with the other mom. She needs to know that her combination of strict rules plus inattention to time is causing a hardship — it either needs to be one or the other (or ideally neither).

“Can you tell me more about why you’re reluctant to allow Larla and Darla to be at my house without an adult home, even temporarily. The reason I ask is that our family’s schedule — and especially mine — isn’t really set up to guarantee 100% constant supervision the way we did when the girls were little. Sometimes I need to run out for a quick errand. And sometimes I have plans immediately following Larla’s planned pickup time. If that time comes and goes and she’s still here, I feel like I have to choose between upsetting you by leaving them alone, or having to cancel my appointment at the last minute. Which can be both frustrating and expensive.”

This is very firm while also being kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have an honest conversation with the other mom. She needs to know that her combination of strict rules plus inattention to time is causing a hardship — it either needs to be one or the other (or ideally neither).

“Can you tell me more about why you’re reluctant to allow Larla and Darla to be at my house without an adult home, even temporarily. The reason I ask is that our family’s schedule — and especially mine — isn’t really set up to guarantee 100% constant supervision the way we did when the girls were little. Sometimes I need to run out for a quick errand. And sometimes I have plans immediately following Larla’s planned pickup time. If that time comes and goes and she’s still here, I feel like I have to choose between upsetting you by leaving them alone, or having to cancel my appointment at the last minute. Which can be both frustrating and expensive.”

This is very firm while also being kind.

No, I would not ask her why she isn’t allowing her to be alone. That’s not your business and too personal. Just stick to the facts and tell her you can’t guarantee you will be home the entire time. It’s up to her if she allows her daughter to come over. They are too old to expect a parent home at all times.

The mom could have had something happen in her past that she doesn’t need to tell you. It is what we have always suspected with our DD’s friends mom and the only reason we can think for her overly protective rules. We comply when we can but don’t lie and say we are with the girls when we aren’t. We just stick to facts.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re being inconsiderate. When I drop my 15 year old son off at friend's homes, I absolutely expect an adult to be around. Alcohol. Random kids being invited over. Sex. Looking for prescription drugs. Online porn. There’s plenty kids can get into!

If you need to run an errand here and there I guess that’s fine, but how do I know your “errand” isn’t really 2 hours. And let’s be honest, it’s not really possible to run any errand in the DMV in 20 minutes.

If you’re hosting this girl you have a responsibility to be present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being inconsiderate. When I drop my 15 year old son off at friend's homes, I absolutely expect an adult to be around. Alcohol. Random kids being invited over. Sex. Looking for prescription drugs. Online porn. There’s plenty kids can get into!

If you need to run an errand here and there I guess that’s fine, but how do I know your “errand” isn’t really 2 hours. And let’s be honest, it’s not really possible to run any errand in the DMV in 20 minutes.

If you’re hosting this girl you have a responsibility to be present.

No she doesn’t have responsibility to be present at that age but should say if will or won’t be home and then the other parents can decide. To OP, stop hosting at house and start dropping at pools or movie theatre and be clear you cannot drive them to or from so it’s a meet there and the other parents can figure out pickup drop off and you will be leaving exactly at X time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re being inconsiderate. When I drop my 15 year old son off at friend's homes, I absolutely expect an adult to be around. Alcohol. Random kids being invited over. Sex. Looking for prescription drugs. Online porn. There’s plenty kids can get into!

If you need to run an errand here and there I guess that’s fine, but how do I know your “errand” isn’t really 2 hours. And let’s be honest, it’s not really possible to run any errand in the DMV in 20 minutes.

If you’re hosting this girl you have a responsibility to be present.

At 15? You are making a huge assumption. My kids came home and were unsupervised for a few hours when we were at work starting in 5th grade. In a year, a lot of those kids will be driving.

Change your expectations or stop dropping your kid off places. Parents aren’t staying home when they are there.

[Anonymous]

I am always home when DS (15) has friends over. I’ll leave him home alone while I run errands or whatever, but kids are exponentially stupider in groups.

I know not everyone feels this way, but as a HS teacher I hear stories all the time of the crap the “good” kids do when left unsupervised with friends, and I don’t want anything bad happening under my roof. Maybe if I had additional kids to snitch on their brother, but he’s an only.

But at the same time I have no issue picking up my son at the agreed upon time, because that boundary is important to me.