Worried about my gender non-conforming cis daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

I think it's really up to people to learn to stop commenting on other people's appearance. That's always the answer. Tell your kids this early and often.

The idea that all of this is no big deal and people are just too sensitive and should get over it is pervasive and also just lacking empathy. I think it's a common perspective from average looking people who fit all the basic norms of the groups they are a part of. They just don't get it and never will. People going about their day don't want to be "othered". They know whatever it is that makes them different and it can be many things. You say it once and they've heard it 100x. And they are not obligated to respond well either to smooth things over. But they often feel this way, especially women and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different cultures have different norms and a school custodian should not be saying that but could also be from a different culture where she/he really doesn't get it at all. People in general need to learn to keep their mouths shut. That crosses all cultures.

DP. You are saying that people who are not school custodians should have no culture or cultural norms and that, whether a custodian or non-custodian, no one should ever say anything ever.

This is not a world that we live in nor is it a world that some/most people desire.

Was that what I was saying? Hmm. What I meant was don't tell other people how they should groom themselves or dress or behave to fit your idea of what is normal. Seems pretty simple to me and pretty far from no one should ever say anything ever.

[Anonymous]

It's a real shame that trans this and non-conforming that has become such an issue. Just because a girl doesn't want to be a barbie doesn't mean there's anything "wrong." Most parents today can remember when "tomboys" were a completely normal part of the childhood experience. I'd simply support the kid as she does her thing and ignore those who are hyper-fixated on how boys and girls are supposed to conform to Victorian gender stereotypes. There is absolutely nothing troubling about girls who want to play sports and roughhouse and get dirty and not be bothered by long hair. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

It's a lot of labeling and language that don't seem relevant to me in this situation. As Gen X would say, she's a tomboy. Who cares. So many girls are like this. My own 5th grade daughter is. What does this have to with trans and cis gender at this point in her life?

Just follow her lead and stop looking for trouble. Let her wear her hair how she wants, dress how she wants, and coach her to tell the custodian she likes her hair how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a lot of labeling and language that don't seem relevant to me in this situation. As Gen X would say, she's a tomboy. Who cares. So many girls are like this. My own 5th grade daughter is. What does this have to with trans and cis gender at this point in her life?

Just follow her lead and stop looking for trouble. Let her wear her hair how she wants, dress how she wants, and coach her to tell the custodian she likes her hair how it is.

That’s exactly what I’m doing.

And language is important (and it does evolve).

But anti-trans legislative does harm cis kids too.

And I, of course, do care about trans children. But my kid isn’t trans but is getting caught up in the rigid gender stereotypes.

(And yes, you don’t have to tell us you are Gen X it’s obvious).

[Anonymous]

I have a 14 yo in a similar situation. She's a kid with short hair and wears UA/Nike.

The bathroom situation gets harder as they get older EVEN for CIS kids. People are more emboldened now to question who is in the bathroom. We've had 1 recent incident "Why are you in here" "You're too old to be in the women's bathroom". It took everything I Had not to scream "She has a vagina you F'ing bigot". My DD is shy and wont speak up for herself, so its hard.

Also a heads up that in the past she got questioned at the airport b/c she looks male but the ticket said F. She also has a gender neutral name coincidently that lead to more questions as the person assumed it was a male name. It was very awkward and honestly upsetting for her.

[Anonymous]

People comment on everything. My 13 year old is tall and super skinny (but her pediatrician says its fine) and people are always making "jokes" about how skinny she is, that she should "eat more" "how do you even find pants to fit?" etc. It's obnoxious. People suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

I think it's really up to people to learn to stop commenting on other people's appearance. That's always the answer. Tell your kids this early and often.

The idea that all of this is no big deal and people are just too sensitive and should get over it is pervasive and also just lacking empathy. I think it's a common perspective from average looking people who fit all the basic norms of the groups they are a part of. They just don't get it and never will. People going about their day don't want to be "othered". They know whatever it is that makes them different and it can be many things. You say it once and they've heard it 100x. And they are not obligated to respond well either to smooth things over. But they often feel this way, especially women and kids.

PP you replied to. But you don't control what other people say, do you? You can only control how you feel about it. I am not white. I've been told to go back to my home country. Should I have beaten them up? Showered them with swear words? It's all very well to be a keyboard warrior, PP, but WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

What I'm saying comes from experience. If you value your sanity, there is a certain amount of letting go that you have to implement in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People comment on everything. My 13 year old is tall and super skinny (but her pediatrician says its fine) and people are always making "jokes" about how skinny she is, that she should "eat more" "how do you even find pants to fit?" etc. It's obnoxious. People suck.

Oh yes, I got this all the time. People making jokes that I wouldn't have breasts if I didn't eat more (I ate a ton, I just grew really fast at that age). People suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People comment on everything. My 13 year old is tall and super skinny (but her pediatrician says its fine) and people are always making "jokes" about how skinny she is, that she should "eat more" "how do you even find pants to fit?" etc. It's obnoxious. People suck.

Yes but its not the same when the current administration spent millions on anti trans advertising and propoganda. Telling the whole world how wrong it is to be LGBTQ. They are deny trans exists and have taken the T out of LGBTQ on all govt websites. So when a kid is just expressing themselves through their clothing or haircut and accused of being something that the accuser thinks is bad/evil/choose a word- its not the same as someone comment on them being skinny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have been making fun of tomboys longer than you’ve been alive. Tell your kid to grow a pair.

Please stop with the 'grow a pair' it is sexist and assumes women are not strong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

'We' didn't mibd but did you ask your son?

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised that you say you live in Virginia, OP. You sound more like someone who would live in Maryland. Maybe consider moving, might make you happier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

I think it's really up to people to learn to stop commenting on other people's appearance. That's always the answer. Tell your kids this early and often.

The idea that all of this is no big deal and people are just too sensitive and should get over it is pervasive and also just lacking empathy. I think it's a common perspective from average looking people who fit all the basic norms of the groups they are a part of. They just don't get it and never will. People going about their day don't want to be "othered". They know whatever it is that makes them different and it can be many things. You say it once and they've heard it 100x. And they are not obligated to respond well either to smooth things over. But they often feel this way, especially women and kids.

PP you replied to. But you don't control what other people say, do you? You can only control how you feel about it. I am not white. I've been told to go back to my home country. Should I have beaten them up? Showered them with swear words? It's all very well to be a keyboard warrior, PP, but WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

What I'm saying comes from experience. If you value your sanity, there is a certain amount of letting go that you have to implement in your life.

I can tell you what I do. I ignore people who try to engage with me. I don't owe anyone anything. And if it's someone who I will have to interact with more than once who does it, I speak up and nicely tell them it's not welcome and how it lands. I don't seethe about it or throw things around and feel pretty sane. But it does inform how I interact with others and how I've raised my kids and I think it's fine to agree to disagree. I'm not a fan of excusing the behavior as well-intentioned and something to just take in stride. I think it's super rude. I will say my perspective on this has changed as I've gotten older. I used to more share your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a lot of labeling and language that don't seem relevant to me in this situation. As Gen X would say, she's a tomboy. Who cares. So many girls are like this. My own 5th grade daughter is. What does this have to with trans and cis gender at this point in her life?

Just follow her lead and stop looking for trouble. Let her wear her hair how she wants, dress how she wants, and coach her to tell the custodian she likes her hair how it is.

That’s exactly what I’m doing.

And language is important (and it does evolve).

But anti-trans legislative does harm cis kids too.

And I, of course, do care about trans children. But my kid isn’t trans but is getting caught up in the rigid gender stereotypes.

(And yes, you don’t have to tell us you are Gen X it’s obvious).

Because a custodian commented on her hair? It's just such a self-absorbed view of the world and trying to fit your child's experiences into your current political narrative and make it about you. It's weird. As a PP pointed out, try being a boy who has long hair or wears more feminine clothing. This isn't new.