Worried about my gender non-conforming cis daughter

[Anonymous]

We’re in Virginia and worried about anti-trans backlash.

Our daughter is a gender non-confirming but not trans. She’s tends to gravitate towards traditionally “boyish” things like short hair and clothes from the boy section. She’s a happy, healthy little girl and has lots of friends and enjoys school.

We’ve had a few odd incidences of adults making inappropriate comments about how my daughter chooses express herself (especially her short hair). Lots of assumptions she’s trans or that I should be forcing her to wear traditionally girl clothes.

She’s dressed like this for about 3-4 years and we had minimal issues and suddenly we’re hearing lots of opinions.

Apparently the school custodian worker told DD she should grow her hair out because “girls don’t need short hair.”

I don’t want to get a low wage worker in trouble but we noticed the climate around gender and gender expression has gotten super hostile.

I think the issue goes beyond transgender rights and we’re seeing an influx of rhetoric against kids who aren’t fitting in little boxes.

Do you worry about this as a parent? Anyone going through something similar?

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that sucks, but isn’t atypical. I was what they called a tomboy in grades 1-4 in the 80s and remember people chiding me to dress more like a girl, to not wear baseball hats all the time, change my hair, or they would ask me point blank if I was a boy even when they knew that I was not.

I think the world has become more hostile to tomboys, but this isn’t new.

[Anonymous]

I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

You're doing the right thing by letting your kid be who she is, as evidenced by the fact that she's doing well socially and in school. It sucks that not everyone recognizes that.

[Anonymous]

Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any time you look different, people will comment. It's up to you to not take everything negatively, because most of the comments aren't actually ill-intentioned. Kids in particular go right up to the line and beyond when they're ribbing each other. The line between bullying and banter can be really difficult to identify.

My daughter has a very boyish female best friend: very short hair cut, pants, never skirts or dresses, mostly grey, red or black colors, etc. Sometimes someone says "Oh, you look so much like a smaller version of your big brother", and she takes it good-naturedly, since it's perfectly true. When she debuted her new hair cut, of course kids at school made lesbian or trans jokes - but kids tease each other all the time, and it lasted a couple of days. People moved on.

Another example: when my son was little he chose green sneakers with pink and purple stripes. He received lots of compliments. One father on the playground was a little confused by his choice of footwear, but he never said anything to us: when his kid asked why my son was wearing "girl shoes" - he replied it was a little odd and that he didn't know. Oh well. We didn't mind!

I mean, there’s a difference between a child telling another child, “those are girl shoes” and an adult employee stopping a child to tell them they should grow out their hair because girls don’t wear short hair (which is historically false, most of my 50/60 year old something female friends have short hair).

[Anonymous]

Didn't Emma Stone just cut off all her hair and get a pixie cut? Kiernan Shipka and Dakota Fanning had very short hair (kind of a short bob) as a child.

[Anonymous]

This is how boys who show any inkling of dressing like a stereotypical girl start to get treated in preschool and early elementary. Immediate backlash and comments from peers and adults. It's always been this way. My son who had a lot of these leanings (non gender conforming)...it was fascinating and disturbing how it was just immediately beat out of him in kindergarten by his peers. He got the memo and I didn't give it to him. It sucks. He is now in college so this was way back when. The climate is way more accepting of girls who may want to dress/act more like a stereotypical boy.

And once you approach the cess pool of middle school, it's just reality. I don't think this is anything new though. It just is. I think adults want to tell themselves it is better and kids maybe went slightly more underground with it? But it's always been there.

All you can do is message to your own kid be who you are, we love you and support you. And if you get a kid who is comfortable and confident doing that you have a truly amazing human on your hands. It's hard to be different.

[Anonymous]

Different cultures have different norms and a school custodian should not be saying that but could also be from a different culture where she/he really doesn't get it at all. People in general need to learn to keep their mouths shut. That crosses all cultures.

[Anonymous]

If the custodian thing actually happened talked to the administration.

That person seems off. Probably shouldn’t be around kids.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. Most normal people agree that people should be able to dress and present themselves as they like. Unfortunately, the climate has changed. I think you should support your daughter to get through these times.

[Anonymous]

I'm a straight cis woman but I found this overwhelming in middle and high school too. I'm tall and skinny and so was teased a lot based on not looking feminine. Honestly, joining up with the theater kids made life better.

[Anonymous]

I'd be worried too and I would also be worried if my kid had any type of disability or learning challenge that required any type of special assistance to accommodate at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to say that sucks, but isn’t atypical. I was what they called a tomboy in grades 1-4 in the 80s and remember people chiding me to dress more like a girl, to not wear baseball hats all the time, change my hair, or they would ask me point blank if I was a boy even when they knew that I was not.

I think the world has become more hostile to tomboys, but this isn’t new.

Maybe in MAGAland where women are expected to dress like hookers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different cultures have different norms and a school custodian should not be saying that but could also be from a different culture where she/he really doesn't get it at all. People in general need to learn to keep their mouths shut. That crosses all cultures.

DP. You are saying that people who are not school custodians should have no culture or cultural norms and that, whether a custodian or non-custodian, no one should ever say anything ever.

This is not a world that we live in nor is it a world that some/most people desire.