Worried about my gender non-conforming cis daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She’s dressed like this for about 3-4 years and we had minimal issues and suddenly we’re hearing lots of opinions.

Your daughter is getting older; also, you are more anxious about things.

Anonymous wrote:
Our daughter is a gender non-confirming but not trans. She’s tends to gravitate towards traditionally “boyish” things like short hair and clothes from the boy section. She’s a happy, healthy little girl and has lots of friends and enjoys school.

The big problem my friends with older daughters like this have had has been friends and people in authority telling the girls that in fact they are boys, and that they should stop with the internalized transphobia and embrace their true boy self. This seems like an even greater demand for gender conformity.

[Anonymous]

This was me growing up. I preferred playing with boys and being outside. I had 4 older brothers so I was comfortable around boys. I hated Barbies, dress up, and playing with dolls. The things the girls seemed to be interested in sounded so boring to me. I wore my hair short and my brothers' hand-me-downs. People often mistook me for a boy.

I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I eventually grew out of it. I'm now married to a man and a mom to 3 kids.

I still love sports. I can throw a spiral football and know more about sports than many guys, including my husband. I still hate shopping, dressing up, and I wear my hair short. I've never been attracted to women or wanted to become a man. The world is big enough for all types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me growing up. I preferred playing with boys and being outside. I had 4 older brothers so I was comfortable around boys. I hated Barbies, dress up, and playing with dolls. The things the girls seemed to be interested in sounded so boring to me. I wore my hair short and my brothers' hand-me-downs. People often mistook me for a boy.

I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I eventually grew out of it. I'm now married to a man and a mom to 3 kids.

I still love sports. I can throw a spiral football and know more about sports than many guys, including my husband. I still hate shopping, dressing up, and I wear my hair short. I've never been attracted to women or wanted to become a man. The world is big enough for all types.

Sounds like you didn't grow out of it. Sounds like the message is all women don't have to look the same and like the same things and this can carry on their whole life. And don't assume a person is gay just because they don't like stereotypical things for their gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a real shame that trans this and non-conforming that has become such an issue. Just because a girl doesn't want to be a barbie doesn't mean there's anything "wrong." Most parents today can remember when "tomboys" were a completely normal part of the childhood experience. I'd simply support the kid as she does her thing and ignore those who are hyper-fixated on how boys and girls are supposed to conform to Victorian gender stereotypes. There is absolutely nothing troubling about girls who want to play sports and roughhouse and get dirty and not be bothered by long hair. It's normal.

Unless you’re MAGA and expect women to look like plastic hoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She’s dressed like this for about 3-4 years and we had minimal issues and suddenly we’re hearing lots of opinions.

Your daughter is getting older; also, you are more anxious about things.

Anonymous wrote:
Our daughter is a gender non-confirming but not trans. She’s tends to gravitate towards traditionally “boyish” things like short hair and clothes from the boy section. She’s a happy, healthy little girl and has lots of friends and enjoys school.

The big problem my friends with older daughters like this have had has been friends and people in authority telling the girls that in fact they are boys, and that they should stop with the internalized transphobia and embrace their true boy self. This seems like an even greater demand for gender conformity.

I have a friend in this exact position. Constant harassment that her daughter is trans and in denial. It's nuts.

[Anonymous]

Before I had kids, I would have said you need to teach her to have a thick skin, blah blah.

Now if my kid were at all gender nonconforming, I would move.

The reason is that you can live in places where it doesn’t have to define their life. I know so many kids now who are masculine girls or feminine boys or fully trans and they just get full acceptance and support from everyone around them, and they don’t have to be on any kind of mission to educate anyone or fight for their right to be who they are.

I would have a hard time not moving heaven and earth and our house and jobs to try to have that for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I had kids, I would have said you need to teach her to have a thick skin, blah blah.

Now if my kid were at all gender nonconforming, I would move.

The reason is that you can live in places where it doesn’t have to define their life. I know so many kids now who are masculine girls or feminine boys or fully trans and they just get full acceptance and support from everyone around them, and they don’t have to be on any kind of mission to educate anyone or fight for their right to be who they are.

I would have a hard time not moving heaven and earth and our house and jobs to try to have that for my kid.

I would prefer OP's locale to that of 13:54. We each should choose the place we feel is the best for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I had kids, I would have said you need to teach her to have a thick skin, blah blah.

Now if my kid were at all gender nonconforming, I would move.

The reason is that you can live in places where it doesn’t have to define their life. I know so many kids now who are masculine girls or feminine boys or fully trans and they just get full acceptance and support from everyone around them, and they don’t have to be on any kind of mission to educate anyone or fight for their right to be who they are.

I would have a hard time not moving heaven and earth and our house and jobs to try to have that for my kid.

Where are these places? My sibling lives in Seattle and don’t need to divulge details about his kid but it isn’t as magical as this.

[Anonymous]

I think my daughter dresses in an androgynous way intentionally - to make a statement that females don't have to fit the feminine stereotypes that society has imposed on them. She and many of her friends are saying no to the revealing fashions popularized by celebrities and refuse to accept feminine ideals. Women can dress and act any way they want and still be women.

[Anonymous]

The hostile ignorant comments in this thread tell you what you need to know, OP. The answer is move to a deep blue place. I live in one and my elementary student has class and schoolmates like your daughter, as well as trans class and schoolmates. No one cares. It isn’t part of curriculum, it isn’t a big deal. Everyone is treated with tolerance and respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I had kids, I would have said you need to teach her to have a thick skin, blah blah.

Now if my kid were at all gender nonconforming, I would move.

The reason is that you can live in places where it doesn’t have to define their life. I know so many kids now who are masculine girls or feminine boys or fully trans and they just get full acceptance and support from everyone around them, and they don’t have to be on any kind of mission to educate anyone or fight for their right to be who they are.

I would have a hard time not moving heaven and earth and our house and jobs to try to have that for my kid.

Where are these places? My sibling lives in Seattle and don’t need to divulge details about his kid but it isn’t as magical as this.

I live in Seattle and while I think it is a place that is generally more accepting and kind to kids who don’t fall into stereotypical gender norms or who are non-binary or trans, it’s definitely not magical. There are plenty of mean people everywhere who are perfectly happy to unleash their ugliness onto children. They’re just more careful about it here and they wait to get a read on their audience before barfing out their stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my daughter dresses in an androgynous way intentionally - to make a statement that females don't have to fit the feminine stereotypes that society has imposed on them. She and many of her friends are saying no to the revealing fashions popularized by celebrities and refuse to accept feminine ideals. Women can dress and act any way they want and still be women.

You’re acting like this is some new phenomenon. It’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

This.

Also, you might want to teach her a couple of confident retorts when someone comments on her appearance. Like, "I am very happy with myself," or "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm good."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

This.

Also, you might want to teach her a couple of confident retorts when someone comments on her appearance. Like, "I am very happy with myself," or "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm good."

She doesn't need to respond confidently (or aggressively) to a comment from a random adult. She can smile in acknowledgement and move on. Not everything needs an attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a real shame that trans this and non-conforming that has become such an issue. Just because a girl doesn't want to be a barbie doesn't mean there's anything "wrong." Most parents today can remember when "tomboys" were a completely normal part of the childhood experience. I'd simply support the kid as she does her thing and ignore those who are hyper-fixated on how boys and girls are supposed to conform to Victorian gender stereotypes. There is absolutely nothing troubling about girls who want to play sports and roughhouse and get dirty and not be bothered by long hair. It's normal.

Agree. And as others have pointed out, people have always been making rude comments about kids. This isn’t MAGA.
It just is. My DD had very short hair until about 8. People would sometimes call her a boy, we’d correct and move on. I even had a friend ask me if she got gum stuck in her hair because she just doesn’t understand why we’d cut it short. This was during first half Trump Presidency and Biden’s