Worried about my gender non-conforming cis daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like traditional gender norms are far more enrenched and visible now.

I grew up in the 70s/80s. Maybe it was because I lived out in the country and lots of kids were rural and farm kids but no one cared about gender really at all. There was no such thing as gender non conforming. Boys and girls had long hair or short hair, everyone just wore whatever they wanted. I was a tomboy, had short hair, wore boys clothes, played in the dirt, etc and no one ever said anything - no one cared at all.

There would have likely been a little more pushback if a boy had worn a dress or a skirt or something but we all just did what we wanted. Traditional gender norms and expectations now mean that any girl who sin't feminine and into pink and glitter is non binary or gender non conforming and any boy who isn't masculine is seen as the same. This isn't progressive, this is going backwards.

I agree
In the 80s if you wanted a flashlight you had a choice of red or blue.
Coats, blue, black, brown
Water bottle, blue red or silver..
You get the drift

Now we’ve made everything to gender specific, and for kids that don’t fit that box it’s confusing. Marketers and retailers did this. There is nothing wrong with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like traditional gender norms are far more enrenched and visible now.

I grew up in the 70s/80s. Maybe it was because I lived out in the country and lots of kids were rural and farm kids but no one cared about gender really at all. There was no such thing as gender non conforming. Boys and girls had long hair or short hair, everyone just wore whatever they wanted. I was a tomboy, had short hair, wore boys clothes, played in the dirt, etc and no one ever said anything - no one cared at all.

There would have likely been a little more pushback if a boy had worn a dress or a skirt or something but we all just did what we wanted. Traditional gender norms and expectations now mean that any girl who sin't feminine and into pink and glitter is non binary or gender non conforming and any boy who isn't masculine is seen as the same. This isn't progressive, this is going backwards.

Agree. We don't need the term "non-binary" unless there is a strongly divided binary. The binary should be more of a continuum, in which case non-binary is not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like traditional gender norms are far more enrenched and visible now.

I grew up in the 70s/80s. Maybe it was because I lived out in the country and lots of kids were rural and farm kids but no one cared about gender really at all. There was no such thing as gender non conforming. Boys and girls had long hair or short hair, everyone just wore whatever they wanted. I was a tomboy, had short hair, wore boys clothes, played in the dirt, etc and no one ever said anything - no one cared at all.

There would have likely been a little more pushback if a boy had worn a dress or a skirt or something but we all just did what we wanted. Traditional gender norms and expectations now mean that any girl who sin't feminine and into pink and glitter is non binary or gender non conforming and any boy who isn't masculine is seen as the same. This isn't progressive, this is going backwards.

Agree. I was a tomboy in the 80s/90s. It would never had occurred to me that I wasn’t a girl. But kids are now receiving some type of gender education starting in early elementary about not having to pick a gender, or it’s ok to switch, or be both, or be neither. It’s confusing and makes kids question what they are before they are old enough to truly grasp what it all means, especially to the kid that doesn’t fit stereotypes but are otherwise fine with their born gender.

[Anonymous]

I’m a GenX tomboy and I make no apologies for it. I’m happily married with 2 wonderful kids but I’m definitely not a girly-girl. I wear my hair short, usually wear jeans and t-shirts, and worked in a male dominated field. I’m definitely not gay or trans or whatever similar girls are labeled today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

This.

Also, you might want to teach her a couple of confident retorts when someone comments on her appearance. Like, "I am very happy with myself," or "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm good."

She doesn't need to respond confidently (or aggressively) to a comment from a random adult. She can smile in acknowledgement and move on. Not everything needs an attack.

Those responses are confident but not confrontational. She can say it and keep it moving. It doesn’t need to turn into some hallway showdown. You don’t have to say something mean about someone’s job or assign any intention. She can smile or not. But quickly and confidently shutting down a sh!tty comment about your appearance is a good life skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

This.

Also, you might want to teach her a couple of confident retorts when someone comments on her appearance. Like, "I am very happy with myself," or "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm good."

She doesn't need to respond confidently (or aggressively) to a comment from a random adult. She can smile in acknowledgement and move on. Not everything needs an attack.

Why should she smile??

Because she is a respectful child with good manners and he is an elder. Do you not teach your children to respect adults? Or only to correct them or ignore them?

Teach your children that they must always trust, respect, obey elders, then you make them into nice targets. Teach them to distinguish safe adults, appropriate behavior, and act accordingly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is indeed rough out there for females with short hair.

I'm not a tomboy, but I'm also not decked out in dresses each day (or ever).

My haircut is stylish. I always have my nails done. I wear makeup and jewelry daily. I've been accosted several times by people claiming I was trans and going to hell for using the women's restroom. This never happened to me until Trump's first term.

Literally, I've had short hair since I was 22. I can't stand hair touching my neck/shoulders and I woke in a profession where it is not seen as professional to wear updos or ponytails. A short cut was my compromise and has been my thing for 20 years.

I wish I could make my voice really deep so when someone comments I could use a deep voice and say something snarky back. I try but I just end up sounding like cookie monster. That's not intimidating.

I don't think blaming Trump's first term for people's heightened awareness of trans people in this time frame is 100 percent fair. Caitlyn Jenner came out in 2015. This was a huge moment in the culture and the first time transgender people and what they face become more mainstream and really discussed widely. (No I am not saying transgender people didn't exist before that.) It entered pop culture in a different way.

[Anonymous]

It’s the language OP uses that is silly.

“Gender non conforming” 🤣 that nonsense right there is why we have Trump and his ilk in the White House.

Just say TOMBOY. Jfc. I was a tomboy myself. Big deal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd make sure that she has a safe place to be herself with peers. Art, music and theatre groups tend to be accepting.

You can get through a lot of tough times if you know you have a safe place to go later.

This.

Also, you might want to teach her a couple of confident retorts when someone comments on her appearance. Like, "I am very happy with myself," or "Thanks for your opinion, but I'm good."

She doesn't need to respond confidently (or aggressively) to a comment from a random adult. She can smile in acknowledgement and move on. Not everything needs an attack.

Why should she smile??

Because she is a respectful child with good manners and he is an elder. Do you not teach your children to respect adults? Or only to correct them or ignore them?

Teach your children that they must always trust, respect, obey elders, then you make them into nice targets. Teach them to distinguish safe adults, appropriate behavior, and act accordingly

You don't work with children, do you?

They do not listen to or respect adults. Any adults. At all.

[Anonymous]

Transgenderism is based on the idea of stereotypical gender roles. It is to blame for the sad, recent reactivation of stereotypical gender roles. Acceptance of gender non-conformity and transgenderism cannot coexist.

Bring back tomboys and the reality of biological sex. How you dress shouldn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the custodian thing actually happened talked to the administration.

That person seems off. Probably shouldn’t be around kids.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a lot of labeling and language that don't seem relevant to me in this situation. As Gen X would say, she's a tomboy. Who cares. So many girls are like this. My own 5th grade daughter is. What does this have to with trans and cis gender at this point in her life?

Just follow her lead and stop looking for trouble. Let her wear her hair how she wants, dress how she wants, and coach her to tell the custodian she likes her hair how it is.

Yes, this. Another Gen X tomboy here. I can only imagine what people would say about me now if I was 10. No one needs to be commenting to a child about how their hair is or how they dress (within school dress codes).

I'm 53, still don't wear dresses or makeup, don't paint nails and typically wears sneakers. I work in a male dominated field and wear a uniform (yea, get paid to look stereotypically male LOL). I'm straight, married and had kids. Somehow I've managed to have a traditional life even though I didn't wear dresses and played little league with all boys (no girls league when I started!). People need to chill and relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like traditional gender norms are far more enrenched and visible now.

I grew up in the 70s/80s. Maybe it was because I lived out in the country and lots of kids were rural and farm kids but no one cared about gender really at all. There was no such thing as gender non conforming. Boys and girls had long hair or short hair, everyone just wore whatever they wanted. I was a tomboy, had short hair, wore boys clothes, played in the dirt, etc and no one ever said anything - no one cared at all.

There would have likely been a little more pushback if a boy had worn a dress or a skirt or something but we all just did what we wanted. Traditional gender norms and expectations now mean that any girl who sin't feminine and into pink and glitter is non binary or gender non conforming and any boy who isn't masculine is seen as the same. This isn't progressive, this is going backwards.

The people pushing “traditional gender norms” are the trad wives/MAGA crowd.

For the rest of us, it’s all way more fluid today, not traditional.

Anyone who refers to a child as gender non conforming is pushing traditional gender norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like traditional gender norms are far more enrenched and visible now.

I grew up in the 70s/80s. Maybe it was because I lived out in the country and lots of kids were rural and farm kids but no one cared about gender really at all. There was no such thing as gender non conforming. Boys and girls had long hair or short hair, everyone just wore whatever they wanted. I was a tomboy, had short hair, wore boys clothes, played in the dirt, etc and no one ever said anything - no one cared at all.

There would have likely been a little more pushback if a boy had worn a dress or a skirt or something but we all just did what we wanted. Traditional gender norms and expectations now mean that any girl who sin't feminine and into pink and glitter is non binary or gender non conforming and any boy who isn't masculine is seen as the same. This isn't progressive, this is going backwards.

I agree
In the 80s if you wanted a flashlight you had a choice of red or blue.
Coats, blue, black, brown
Water bottle, blue red or silver..
You get the drift

Now we’ve made everything to gender specific, and for kids that don’t fit that box it’s confusing. Marketers and retailers did this. There is nothing wrong with our kids.

Agreed, colours and options were far more unisex. I wore a lot of my brother's hand me downs. Nothing was pink and purple and marketed as girls or boys colours. We played with the same lego, rode the same bikes, used each other's jackets and school bags etc.

[Anonymous]

Move to a blue state. It’s only going to get worse.

We live in a deep blue part of MD, but I worry about my young adult daughters.
One is very femme, but drop dead, stopping people of both sexes on the street gorgeous. She’s already been sexually assaulted by a former coworker. I worry about what happens when young men realize being a known rapist is no impediment to anything they want to do in life.
The other is a cis lesbian who is beautiful but dresses masc most of the time. I worry she’ll be bashed, but also face discrimination.