Guilt tripping the “good” daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.

Then don't let her guilt you. You're allowing it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way." "Please feel free to heat up a frozen XX." "I"m working and could not make multiple meals so please help yourself to XX."

Then ignore.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a doormat, jealous of your sister for setting and enforcing boundaries. Honestly, good for her. Your mom sounds kind of awful, if you want to set different boundaries you are 100% welcome to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom, I'm sorry but I keep hearing how I am disappointing you by not measuring up to your care expectations. I am one person, who is also working and a mother, not just your care provider. I agree with you that I am not pulling it all off well. It is time we look into a care home for you, where there are multiple people there focused on your care.

+1
She wouldn’t be refusing care if you weren’t available. But since you roll over whenever she asks, not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you have to learn to take the guilt trips less personally.

or, develop responses that satisfy you and stick with them.

Mom, I'm doing the best I can here. My child is sick; there is plenty for you to eat.

Mom, have you called [sister] lately? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Mom [distract with shiny object, do not respond to anything about food - such a sunny day! Have you thought about sitting in this chair by the window? / Who do you like for the superbowl? / why don't you draw up a shopping list for me? (whatever it says, it does'nt matter, just distrating her). ]

The issue of respite care for you, and your sister's role, is something else entirely. You need more respite care. Can you and your sister have an open and honest conversation about that?

These are good tips. The thing is, I like my mom and don’t mind the caretaking that much, but I don’t want to be guilt tripped for not giving her a gourmet meal every day. My sister doesn’t want anything to do with her care, and I respect that. I can’t force her anyway.

The lie detector test determines: that is a lie!

Why would you make a post calling yourself the “good” daughter if you don’t think of her as the “bad” daughter? And saying that she’d only have to care for her for three months but “doesn’t care”. You clearly resent your sister and resent the caretaking. Lying to yourself and randos on the internet does you no good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother only guilt trips you because you're there. If you need to have her at your house for less time or stay at hers for less, do that.

She refuses outside help and will starve if I don’t do stuff for her. Or walk around unsafely and get hit by a car.

Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

[Anonymous]

OP You have a choice on whether or not to engage in this. My mother got into competition with one of my kids who has special needs and medical issues and I had to put a stop to it. It was awful and her behavior was atrocious. I no longer allowed guilt trips or any of that and I reminded myself I am a mother before I am a daughter. I had to set major boundaries because she got so nasty.

I would nip the guilt trip in the bud. You use a neutral tone and make it clear it is not acceptable and you will not respond to it anymore. I would model for her an appropriate way to make a polite request next time she guilt trips you and then only respond to appropriate.

I would also get therapy because these behaviors are ingrained and your boundaries are about you. You may not change her, but you can stop tolerating poor treatment. If it means she will starve or do something drastic I would get a geriatric social worker involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

Ok, that is hard. Do you want someone to tell you that it’s ok to stop caring for her? It seems like you are missing the key fact that she has a dementia. My father was terrible, this would be a very long comment if I listed 1/100th of the abuse and the damage it caused. But now he has dementia. He’s not responsible for his actions in the present and there isn’t going to be a resolution of the past, except the resolution I make for myself. You need to figure out what you are willing to do in spite of the past and knowing she isn’t able to change her behavior now. That isn’t the question you asked, but it seems to be the question you actually have.

It’s a difficult situation OP, I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

You have to stop caring, op. You do what you can do. When she complains that you cook for your son and not her, you smile and nod and agree and move on with your day. You control your emotions and your response. She only has the power you give her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

Ok, that is hard. Do you want someone to tell you that it’s ok to stop caring for her? It seems like you are missing the key fact that she has a dementia. My father was terrible, this would be a very long comment if I listed 1/100th of the abuse and the damage it caused. But now he has dementia. He’s not responsible for his actions in the present and there isn’t going to be a resolution of the past, except the resolution I make for myself. You need to figure out what you are willing to do in spite of the past and knowing she isn’t able to change her behavior now. That isn’t the question you asked, but it seems to be the question you actually have.

It’s a difficult situation OP, I feel for you.

Not OP, but you missed the part where she doesn't guilt-trip the sister, so this must early enough dementia that she has some responsibility for her behavior and ability to alter it based on who will put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

Eldest Daughter Syndrome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

Ok, that is hard. Do you want someone to tell you that it’s ok to stop caring for her? It seems like you are missing the key fact that she has a dementia. My father was terrible, this would be a very long comment if I listed 1/100th of the abuse and the damage it caused. But now he has dementia. He’s not responsible for his actions in the present and there isn’t going to be a resolution of the past, except the resolution I make for myself. You need to figure out what you are willing to do in spite of the past and knowing she isn’t able to change her behavior now. That isn’t the question you asked, but it seems to be the question you actually have.

It’s a difficult situation OP, I feel for you.

Not OP, but you missed the part where she doesn't guilt-trip the sister, so this must early enough dementia that she has some responsibility for her behavior and ability to alter it based on who will put up with it.

I didn’t miss it. Expecting a dementia patient to change ingrained behaviors is not realistic. It’s up to OP to decide what she can do for her mother, but if she expects her mother to change it’s just going to lead to more pain and stress for OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. You have to learn to reject the guilt and just respond matter-of-factly. Don’t let the comments penetrate and get to you. Be confident and comfortable that you are doing your best. You sound like a good daughter.

Also, it’s ok to push back a bit and stick up for yourself. Respond to her comments nicely but firmly. PPs gave you some suggestions. Your mom cannot consume all your resources. Moreover, you need to get help involved. Often after the first vehement resistance, people accept home sides and sometimes even like it because they can boss around hired help and there’s no complicated feeling of gratitude, guilt, resentment, etc. So definitely push that side to bring some help in.

If you do 6 months at your house and 3 months at your mom’s house, what happens for the other 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.

This is the answer OP, work on how you receive negative remarks. Every time your mom is critical remind yourself that it’s the dementia, and thank yourself. Think about who else you might be able to reach out to for support or a break.

These guilting was always there but it was more subtle. So I’ve been guilted for 40 years.

Eldest Daughter Syndrome?

So true. This was my case-helping mom move near me, arranging all medical needs, etc. while younger sister “visited” occasionally and second-guessed every decision I made. At least mom didn’t have dementia.