Guilt tripping the “good” daughter

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a super common dynamic in elder care. The social worker at my parents' doctors' office told me this. I slaved away and my mom was irritable at me and then my siblings would swoop in for a day or two and she would rally and be nice. The theory is that it is hard for the old person to have someone doing something for them and with the out of town sibling they could be more like the old parent.

[Anonymous]

You need to think of your kid(s) and what this dynamic is doing to your household. Not sure if you have a spouse but why in the world are you spending three months out of your house? That is just ridiculous.

I realized after getting stuck with my mother with dementia that many seniors are incredibly selfish. They never had to take care of their parents or if they did it was briefly because they didn’t live long. They expect the world to revolve around them.

I gradually got sucked into doing more and more for three years. Then after that for two years I spent do many evenings with my mother instead of my husband and kids. It was never enough for her. Finally my sister in law and brother called me and said they went to visit and our mom did was complain about me. I was bossy, I didn't spend enough time there, etc.

She was in an assisted living apartment and they were eating in the restaurant with our Mon and one of her neighbors. Finally the neighbor interrupted and said she wasn’t being fair to me. That I was there almost every day. But ti my mother my siblings were so devoted and the golden kids.

I decided that was my limit. I pulled back and rarely visit now. I am never getting f back those two years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you have to learn to take the guilt trips less personally.

or, develop responses that satisfy you and stick with them.

Mom, I'm doing the best I can here. My child is sick; there is plenty for you to eat.

Mom, have you called [sister] lately? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Mom [distract with shiny object, do not respond to anything about food - such a sunny day! Have you thought about sitting in this chair by the window? / Who do you like for the superbowl? / why don't you draw up a shopping list for me? (whatever it says, it does'nt matter, just distrating her). ]

The issue of respite care for you, and your sister's role, is something else entirely. You need more respite care. Can you and your sister have an open and honest conversation about that?

Dear OP, I know what you mean. I am also the good daughter.... This response above is the best, you have to work on how you take this on. Your mother will not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to think of your kid(s) and what this dynamic is doing to your household. Not sure if you have a spouse but why in the world are you spending three months out of your house? That is just ridiculous.

I realized after getting stuck with my mother with dementia that many seniors are incredibly selfish. They never had to take care of their parents or if they did it was briefly because they didn’t live long. They expect the world to revolve around them.

I gradually got sucked into doing more and more for three years. Then after that for two years I spent do many evenings with my mother instead of my husband and kids. It was never enough for her. Finally my sister in law and brother called me and said they went to visit and our mom did was complain about me. I was bossy, I didn't spend enough time there, etc.

She was in an assisted living apartment and they were eating in the restaurant with our Mon and one of her neighbors. Finally the neighbor interrupted and said she wasn’t being fair to me. That I was there almost every day. But ti my mother my siblings were so devoted and the golden kids.

I decided that was my limit. I pulled back and rarely visit now. I am never getting f back those two years

Not op but thank you for this. Made me feel less alone about what I endured before I pulled back. So much of what you wrote resonates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother only guilt trips you because you're there. If you need to have her at your house for less time or stay at hers for less, do that.

She refuses outside help and will starve if I don’t do stuff for her. Or walk around unsafely and get hit by a car.

You can get her assessed maybe and get guardianship if she can’t make good decisions for herself.

[Anonymous]

She is six months at your house and three at hers. What does your mom do for the other three months of the year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a doormat, jealous of your sister for setting and enforcing boundaries. Honestly, good for her. Your mom sounds kind of awful, if you want to set different boundaries you are 100% welcome to.

This is smart.

You need boundaries, OP. Your mom has you trained pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She guilts you because it works. It doesn't work on your sister, so she learned not to even try. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and stop internalizing all criticism. If she is upset, shake it off and ignore it. Her feelings are her own to deal with.

This. You need to set your boundaries. I agree with a PP that you need to think about what this is doing to your own family and children. Something is not right if you are spending THREE MONTHS living at your mom's house. WTF. This goes beyond complaining about chicken soup. Get your butt into therapy so you can learn how to say no and walk away and stop living like a doormat. Do it for your children.

[Anonymous]

OP I say this as someone who has been there. Look at how you are even speaking. You are I assume a middle-aged woman announcing to a group of strangers that you are a "good girl." It's time to be a big girl and do what is best for the family you created by figuring out your boundaries.

Emotionally healthy elders can be part of an extended family and appreciate the help they get, but have empathy and reasonable expectations. Sometimes with dementia-good people because difficult, but often, difficult people just become more difficult and entitled.

Your job is to make sure she gets adequate care, not to make mommy think you are a good girl. Put your kids, marriage and self- first so that you don't end up making your own spouse and kids into caregivers as soon as your journey is over. You need to figure out the reasonable options she can afford and provide choices between say residential facilities and aging in place with a team. Get an outside aging care professional involved for guidance, but also to be a buffer. It's OK for mommy to be mad at you. Your goal is to make sure she has decent care, not to meet all her emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

It’s extremely common for non-caregivers to get the best of the elder during their infrequent visit; it may seem to them that things “aren’t so bad” when their loved one is on their best behavior.

But caregiving is always a choice. You are living by your own value system (and your sister is living by hers), not for points or favoritism by your mother. It has to be enough. You have to release yourself from any guilt; your north star can be “doing the best I can” but ALSO to prioritize your own health and the well-being of your family. That cannot go by the wayside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I say this as someone who has been there. Look at how you are even speaking. You are I assume a middle-aged woman announcing to a group of strangers that you are a "good girl." It's time to be a big girl and do what is best for the family you created by figuring out your boundaries.

Emotionally healthy elders can be part of an extended family and appreciate the help they get, but have empathy and reasonable expectations. Sometimes with dementia-good people because difficult, but often, difficult people just become more difficult and entitled.

Your job is to make sure she gets adequate care, not to make mommy think you are a good girl. Put your kids, marriage and self- first so that you don't end up making your own spouse and kids into caregivers as soon as your journey is over. You need to figure out the reasonable options she can afford and provide choices between say residential facilities and aging in place with a team. Get an outside aging care professional involved for guidance, but also to be a buffer. It's OK for mommy to be mad at you. Your goal is to make sure she has decent care, not to meet all her emotional needs.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.

You should be working, not making chicken soup from scratch. I hope you aren’t one of the feds saying how awful RTO is.

there you go OP: screw your family, just work work work yourself to the bone! America wants to see you hard at work, so just go ahead and put your mom and daughter into a home so you can work even harder!

Nagh, screw the PP and make your soup! Work can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom, I'm sorry but I keep hearing how I am disappointing you by not measuring up to your care expectations. I am one person, who is also working and a mother, not just your care provider. I agree with you that I am not pulling it all off well. It is time we look into a care home for you, where there are multiple people there focused on your care.

I mean….mom has dementia.

[Anonymous]

If she's not eating unless you are preparing/feeding her, she needs to go to AL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's not eating unless you are preparing/feeding her, she needs to go to AL.

This. The dynamic is not healthy for either of you.