Guilt tripping the “good” daughter

Anonymous
Anyone experiencing this? I am the good daughter who takes care of her mom with dementia. She spends 6 months in my house, I spend 3 months at hers. My sister would have to take care for only 3 months but doesn’t care. Anyway, I do so much but my mom constantly guilt trips me. My sister who does nothing is left alone and only gets her good side.
Anonymous
Your mother only guilt trips you because you're there. If you need to have her at your house for less time or stay at hers for less, do that.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Your mother only guilt trips you because you're there. If you need to have her at your house for less time or stay at hers for less, do that.


She refuses outside help and will starve if I don’t do stuff for her. Or walk around unsafely and get hit by a car.
Anonymous
OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.
Anonymous
Your sister doesn’t “have to” care for her. You can’t sign other people up for elder care. It is a huge commitment and not something many people want to do…not least of which because old people complain and it’s really hard to care for anyone, much less someone who complains about it all the time.

You should probably take a break from her more often.
Anonymous
Yes. It's normal unfortunately. People who give more are expected to give more. I am super aware of this but even I catch myself asking my one daughter for help more as she'll say yes and my youngest as that's so much more effort to get her to do anything. They are little and I'm working on myself to change this dynamic.
Anonymous
She has dementia. don't take the guiit trips personally. Easier said than done.
Anonymous
Mom, I'm sorry but I keep hearing how I am disappointing you by not measuring up to your care expectations. I am one person, who is also working and a mother, not just your care provider. I agree with you that I am not pulling it all off well. It is time we look into a care home for you, where there are multiple people there focused on your care.
Anonymous
you have to learn to take the guilt trips less personally.

or, develop responses that satisfy you and stick with them.

Mom, I'm doing the best I can here. My child is sick; there is plenty for you to eat.

Mom, have you called [sister] lately? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Mom [distract with shiny object, do not respond to anything about food - such a sunny day! Have you thought about sitting in this chair by the window? / Who do you like for the superbowl? / why don't you draw up a shopping list for me? (whatever it says, it does'nt matter, just distrating her). ]

The issue of respite care for you, and your sister's role, is something else entirely. You need more respite care. Can you and your sister have an open and honest conversation about that?

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.


You should be working, not making chicken soup from scratch. I hope you aren’t one of the feds saying how awful RTO is.


there you go OP: screw your family, just work work work yourself to the bone! America wants to see you hard at work, so just go ahead and put your mom and daughter into a home so you can work even harder!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.


It wasn't about her guilting you. She was worried about what she would eat for lunch. You took it in a way she didn't mean it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mother only guilt trips you because you're there. If you need to have her at your house for less time or stay at hers for less, do that.


She refuses outside help and will starve if I don’t do stuff for her. Or walk around unsafely and get hit by a car.


Tell her, in one of her more lucid moments, that caring for another human being is a LOT of work and just like when new mothers hire babysitters for a break, you need to hire someone to take care of her so you can have a break sometimes. Or, can you hire outside help for YOU? Someone to meal prep all your mom's lunches and breakfasts and do a few loads of laundry? Something like that.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP: so today DC is sick and home from school and I made chicken soup from scratch (I work from home). My mom can’t eat it as she has a food intolerance to chicken. My mom guilted me that I only cooked for DC and not her. I cook every day for her but I cannot make 2 different lunches as I work. Mom could easily have something frozen. What’s the need to guilt me here? It’s very painful to be guilted.


You should be working, not making chicken soup from scratch. I hope you aren’t one of the feds saying how awful RTO is.


Dumb troll, I used my lunch break to make soup. Further, I am not petty with my time either and don’t adhere to a strict 40 hr work week. Get lost you loser.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:you have to learn to take the guilt trips less personally.

or, develop responses that satisfy you and stick with them.

Mom, I'm doing the best I can here. My child is sick; there is plenty for you to eat.

Mom, have you called [sister] lately? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.

Mom [distract with shiny object, do not respond to anything about food - such a sunny day! Have you thought about sitting in this chair by the window? / Who do you like for the superbowl? / why don't you draw up a shopping list for me? (whatever it says, it does'nt matter, just distrating her). ]

The issue of respite care for you, and your sister's role, is something else entirely. You need more respite care. Can you and your sister have an open and honest conversation about that?



These are good tips. The thing is, I like my mom and don’t mind the caretaking that much, but I don’t want to be guilt tripped for not giving her a gourmet meal every day. My sister doesn’t want anything to do with her care, and I respect that. I can’t force her anyway.
Anonymous
She guilts you because it works. It doesn't work on your sister, so she learned not to even try. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and stop internalizing all criticism. If she is upset, shake it off and ignore it. Her feelings are her own to deal with.
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