Guilt tripping the “good” daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a super common dynamic in elder care. The social worker at my parents' doctors' office told me this. I slaved away and my mom was irritable at me and then my siblings would swoop in for a day or two and she would rally and be nice. The theory is that it is hard for the old person to have someone doing something for them and with the out of town sibling they could be more like the old parent.

Thank you for posting this! It unlocked a puzzle for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone experiencing this? I am the good daughter who takes care of her mom with dementia. She spends 6 months in my house, I spend 3 months at hers. My sister would have to take care for only 3 months but doesn’t care. Anyway, I do so much but my mom constantly guilt trips me. My sister who does nothing is left alone and only gets her good side.

I think you do what you are willing to do independent of what you expect others to do. If what you do, brings outcomes that you do not like it is up to you to change course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone experiencing this? I am the good daughter who takes care of her mom with dementia. She spends 6 months in my house, I spend 3 months at hers. My sister would have to take care for only 3 months but doesn’t care. Anyway, I do so much but my mom constantly guilt trips me. My sister who does nothing is left alone and only gets her good side.

I think you do what you are willing to do independent of what you expect others to do. If what you do, brings outcomes that you do not like it is up to you to change course.

Thanks Sis!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone experiencing this? I am the good daughter who takes care of her mom with dementia. She spends 6 months in my house, I spend 3 months at hers. My sister would have to take care for only 3 months but doesn’t care. Anyway, I do so much but my mom constantly guilt trips me. My sister who does nothing is left alone and only gets her good side.

I think you do what you are willing to do independent of what you expect others to do. If what you do, brings outcomes that you do not like it is up to you to change course.

Thanks Sis!!

Not the person you are responding to, but I have been there and this is good advice.You can only control you. You do the amount you can handle without resentment. If you are burned out it's time to change the situation and put mom in a more appropriate setting. It's not worth wasting time seething and venting. I was so much happier when I stepped back more and eventually mom stopped the dysfunctional dynamics with me because i was not around her so much. She spread out the guilt trips and manipulations so others got to see that side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone experiencing this? I am the good daughter who takes care of her mom with dementia. She spends 6 months in my house, I spend 3 months at hers. My sister would have to take care for only 3 months but doesn’t care. Anyway, I do so much but my mom constantly guilt trips me. My sister who does nothing is left alone and only gets her good side.

I think you do what you are willing to do independent of what you expect others to do. If what you do, brings outcomes that you do not like it is up to you to change course.

Thanks Sis!!

Not the person you are responding to, but I have been there and this is good advice.You can only control you. You do the amount you can handle without resentment. If you are burned out it's time to change the situation and put mom in a more appropriate setting. It's not worth wasting time seething and venting. I was so much happier when I stepped back more and eventually mom stopped the dysfunctional dynamics with me because i was not around her so much. She spread out the guilt trips and manipulations so others got to see that side.

exactly this. When you are seething and venting, no one suffers but you. Sometimes it is more brave to make changes and help yourself. Striving for what you think is the perfect solution that depends on others is unsustainable. Just do what you can without putting yourself over the edge!

[Anonymous]

15:58 posting again...

The issue is with your mom even more than with your siblings. I did far more for dad than my siblings, but he was appreciative and I enjoyed his company. It was not that emotionally draining, except when he had an emergency. I don't resent my siblings at all when it comes to dad (but boy did I when it came to mom). With dad, I think because I spent so much time with him, I was more at peace when he passed away. I knew he was ready and it was a relief he was no longer suffering.

With mom the resentment was overwhelming and she brought out the worst in us all. So many interactions with her left me emotionally exhausted-just a visit and the recovery took a long time. Manipulations/guilt trips/digs/gaslighting wear you down. She also sparked some toxic sibling dynamics. It was impacting my physical and mental health. The best thing I did was step back. It was healing. I could see more clearly how toxic the situation was and I do believe she can receive much better care from people paid to deal with her difficult behavior. It was important for my siblings to see just how much what I was doing for free is worth. They also see how many drivers/aides she goes through because of bad behavior and now she occasionally throws some toxic their way.

[Anonymous]

Just looking to vent. As a caregiver to aging dad who is experiencing hospital delirium, I got the full flood of accusations and insults when he couldn’t leave hospital when he wanted to. Of course my siblings don’t get insulted, ever. But they don’t take care of him, either.
I have to set boundaries about what I’m willing to put up with and what I’m not.
Anyone else experience this?

[Anonymous]

You're the scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

You can’t blame other people for what YOU are doing. No one is forcing you to do this. Your sibling isn’t a bad person because she does t want to live with your mother for 3+ mons of the year. Either you accept what you’re doing and stop b****ing or you change it. Put her in assisted living. Stop pretzeling yourself for someone else.

[Anonymous]

you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Do what makes things best for you.