How important was knowing your partner's past when dating them?

[Anonymous]

It's important to me. It tells a story. If people hide their past, run.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like he's hid his past from OP. Pp said he gets annoyed that he keeps having to repeat himself. That makes me wonder if OP keeps asking for details over and over again to pick apart his past or to search for red flags. I would find that incredibly irritating.

You seem to know his past. Why do you need to know every detail and why do you need to keep revisiting it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If wanting to know this man's past is a priority and he's annoyed with sharing that information with you ..
He's not for you. Move on.

This. It doesn't matter what any of us think. If it's important to you and he's not spilling, then he's not the guy for you.

It sounds like he did spill. Op does know his past. She just keeps bringing it up and he told her he's tired of repeating it. There's a big difference in someone hiding his past and someone being annoyed that their significant other can't let their past go.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I guess I'll be the only one who thinks OP is a giant red flag. She DOES know he's past. He said he's tired of repeating himself which means she keeps bringing it up. Probably from a place of insecurity. This would be exhausting to deal with. OP sounds insecure and immature. So he's been in a lot of relationships and is divorced. Either you're ok with this or you're not. Stop hounding him for details on all his old relationships.

[Anonymous]

That you want to know, and want to ask is what is concerning Op. You don't need to know. He doesn't need to know. If you can't develop that mindset, you will have trouble dating almost everyone - who certainly will have had more lovers than you. I suggest you reevaluate your mindset.

[Anonymous]

I would be more concerned about him getting frustrated/annoyed. Emotionally mature people understand some level of curiosity from their partner and are willing to have those difficult conversations. That to me would be the red flag.

[Anonymous]

I also will say I wish I had paid more attention to the red flags in my partner's past. He has slept with over 100 women and I was conflicted as to whether I should break things off because of that. Now, I wish I had.

someone's past tells you a lot about them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to hear a number? What will you do differently in this relationship if it’s six people vs 10? As an adult just assume anyone you date, has been with people before you. If you want to ask them to get STD testing then ask.

That's easy. She'll find out one of them was amaaaaazing in bed and then she'll start asking about that ad nauseam and start a thread here comparing herself to her partners' past.

+1 on dialing it way back.

Fool. Do you always blindly let in any man in your bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's important to me. It tells a story. If people hide their past, run.

I knew the story; I just didn’t need to know the details.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I get it OP, because I’m also someone who loves to ask and hear about my partner’s past.

But I learned the hard way you really have to be careful what you wish for. I don’t think women are really prepared for a lot of the more extreme sexual behavior and fantasies of many men. They’ve had threesomes, used sex workers, and yes, they’d absolutely bang your sister.

A lot of men have had girlfriends/wives freak out after they admit these, so they don’t want to talk about it.

Even non-sexual stuff can mess you up. Once, during post-sex intimate pillow talk, we talked about our past marriages and H admitted to me he doesn’t feel the same connection with me that he did his first wife. Mostly because they were young and child-free, so their relationship revolved around each other and doing fun things as a couple (travel, seeing live music, art, etc). I came into the relationship with a kid and then we had our own child very quickly because of age, so we never got to do those things. It’s still something that hurts me a lot because who wants to hear that an ex is more special?

I think you should find different ways to build intimacy beyond discussing your past. A lot of people use discussing the past sort of as a free therapy, and an actual therapist may be better suited for this so you can have fun with your BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect to know a partner’s past completely and fully and this would be a deal breaker for me.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of us ever talked about our past as it related to relationships except in very general terms. Over many years of marriage a few things have come out but nothing that was terribly shocking. I did a couple of one time things in college that I’m not proud of and I know he’d be surprised and shocked by but it was so long ago it’s best just a memory.

When my husband met me I was a business professional with a pretty much girl next door personna and that was the real me. But in college I had a threesome plus a brief relationship with another woman. We've been married 26 years and that will always remain a secret.

Why?

[Anonymous]

I know my partner’s past generally, not in great detail. But he has only had a small number of sexual partners, was married for a decade, and then had a few relationships.

It really depends on how you’re asking and what level of detail you’re expecting. I had a guy I was dating who got extremely annoyed by basic questions - what was your childhood like, what’s your family like. He was from England so to me it would have been interesting. But he was an emotional avoidant so it was one of many red flags when I look back on it.

[Anonymous]

You need to move on. You want a level of detail this guy doesn't want to provide - nor should he be compelled to provide it. Neither of you are wrong, you're incompatible.

I know more about my DH's sexual past than he knows about mine. There's nothing shameful in my past. I can count the number of men I've had sex with on one hand (including DH) and while I enjoyed it a lot, there was nothing "wild" (not that there's anything wrong with that). DH doesn't know the names of any of my ex's. I know more about this past because we live in the area he grew up in and occassionally see some of his ex's.

If there were a chance DH would meet any of my ex's, I would let him know about it. But that's highly unlikely and, after nearly 30 years, I honestly can't remember many of the details.

[Anonymous]

New poster.

Someone said "why does the number matter" but I think that PP is missing the point. I want to address one part of what OP observed about this guy.

OP did note that he has moved from relationship to relationship since he was 18, with one divorce in the mix so far-- that's not about number of sexual partners (which should include one-night stands, brief "relationships" that really are just for sex, etc.).

Instead, if OP is saying he goes from "this is my Official Girlfriend now" to "THIS one's the real thing, she's Girlfriend for keeps" over and over, well, that's about a guy needing always to be In. A. Relationship. Always needing a "girlfriend" to be seen with and do things with, not just sex. And that is in itself a red flag about him. I know, this is just an anecdote, but take it for what it's worth, OP: I had a close relative (guy) who was like this from high school all the way until his death in his 60s, and it indicates a lot of potential issues: Seeing women as something to give him a role and possibly status (maybe his family expects him to be always attached and hopes he'll marry, or maybe friends all have girlfriends so he wants one too. And showing off that he "treats a woman well!" which was how my relative was.

A guy who has a few serious committed relationships? Fine. A guy who moves from girlfriend to girlfriend, not just sex partners but women he says he's officially with, especially if he's prone to announcing that each one is "The One"? Red flag.